I am exhausted. I feel like I've been in perpetual motion for the past month...oh wait! I have been. I started out the year watching Band of Brothers in my living room with Julia who was roped into driving me to the airport in the early a.m., so no alcohol for either of us. I landed in D.C. the night of the first, super glad to see my sister. I got upgraded to first class the whole way there! She lives in Rockville, MD for now but it was just 40 minutes or so on the red line into D.C. proper. I spent a few days walking around by myself visiting museums, college campuses, and freezing to death in general. I loved Georgetown, the school and the area, which brought up all kinds of wonderings and questions that I've been wrestling around in my brain ever since. I had alot of fun with my sister and her friend Carla, who enjoys stuffing the unsuspecting visitor with copious amounts of cookies and candy. I flew home for less than 24 hours...just enough time to mail some books I sold, check my own mail, and repack for my trip to Nashville to see my Mom. Mom and I painted and then painted some more. Her living room and bedroom now look phenomenal. We didn't do much but hang out, which was perfectly okay with me. We did venture into downtown Nashville one cold afternoon. I was surprised that it was so different from what I remember. This could be because it's been 10 years since I went to school there and because I was super lame when I did and never left campus. I returned home just in time to start school this week.
I've been really busy trying to figure out my schedule. I wanted to overload this semester to take Italian but after this morning I ditched those plans real fast. There's an advanced French class that I needed to take but wasn't supposed to yet as I'm still in elementary classes. I got the permission number to add it this morning. This IS a good thing if I want to graduate on time but I'm scared to death that I'm in over my head. I am a little, but that just means that I'll have to work harder. Actually I'm so used to floating in all my other classes that actually having to struggle with something will be nice. I didn't mean that to be as snotty as it sounded. I just mean that it'll be good for me to have to be proactive with something.
I have been pondering pondering pondering questions like 'what does it mean to make a difference in the world?', 'what could I do to actually make a difference?', 'Should that actually be my goal?', and on and on. Do I do graduate school, do I write, should I do graduate school and write, law school, no school, move to D.C., stay in L.A.? I know I don't have to decide NOW but I do need to decide something SOON. It was actually stressing me out because I just couldn't find an answer. These Ani DiFranco lyrics have been swimming around in my head:
and i wonder if everything i do
i do instead
of something i want to do more
the question fills my head
The people in history who prompted the biggest changes never set out to change the world. It seems to me that Rosa Parks, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King, and so on, set out to either right a wrong they saw around them or fix a problem in their immediate world or they simply made a choice to stand for something, never knowing how they would eventually be remembered as revolutionaries. I think about all the people who really make a difference in politics, culture, and world events...how many of their names does the general public know? Probably not many...instead we focus on the Britney Spears and Paris Hiltons of the world. So there is a difference between making an impact and being remembered. I had to really think about which I'd want more. I finally settled on the rough idea that in order to make a positive impact on the world, the only thing we can offer is the best of ourselves, whatever that might be. Whether it be painting, or writing, or dancing, or being a lawyer... I think about moving to India to work in an orphanage, or becoming a lawyer to fight for human rights, or a million other things. Which would be best? Which would be best for me? I have so many interests that quite alot of the time I have a hard time figuring out which interest me the most. Then there's the problem of needing a job or further schooling plans after I graduate. Do I want to live near my sister? Try a new place? So many questions. Rilke says "Live the questions now." Helpful.
Strangely enough it took me finally returning home before it all became perfectly clear. Well mostly clear anyway. My first afternoon back on Monday and all it took was a conversation with Joey, a little research on the USC website, and a drive through Toluca Lake the answers to materialize, like magic, deep down inside where I find all my answers...
L.A. is where I belong...
I've always said, Shan is D.C., I'm L.A. It's so true. If I decided on law school and the east coast I'd be good at that, I know it, but in reading student profiles and whatnot on different sites I just realized I need to save the 'Academic' in me for another lifetime. My heart is in writing and creating. It's taken me so long to realize that its what I'm best at and more importantly it's where the center of my heart is. I prayed for an answer, and I suppose it came to me...like I knew it would. Part of me is a little sad to start letting go of possibilities. Why that makes me sad and not relieved when I so envy my sister's single mindedness sometimes, is beyond me. I think it's the same anxiety I feel when I think of staying in L.A., or marrying, or doing anything that closes off options. I love L.A. I kind of knew in my heart when I moved here that it was a sort of 'last stop' for me. Something in me compels me not to get too comfortable, that comfortable is the enemy. This same monster battles with the other one who yearns to be comfortable and stable. Makes for some fun internal battles.
So the verdict is that I want desperately to live near my sister someday but for now I feel like staying in L.A. where I have friends, and a life, and where I truly love the city I live in, is the right thing for me. USC has a Masters of Professional Writing that seems almost perfect for me. Regardless, I have no definite plans as you never know what's coming for you but it's nice to have options. And I guess I always will have choices to make and that instead of losing options I can look at it as just having more information to narrow them down.
Alright, I'm about to drop. I'm glad I'll be busier this semester. Even a little motion, like having to get up for school every morning leads to momentum. I need that momentum to be more productive than I have been.
