Well I had a blog post all written out in one of my last classes but it's been two weeks since then and it just feels irrelevant somehow. It has been somewhat of an intense week. I couldn't even say why exactly. I'm going to chalk it up to necessary personal growth.
I've been working alot, which I love, finishing up papers, which I don't love and now I think I'm catching something considering how scratchy my throat feels. The weather has been gorgeous but now has turned cold again. Such a tease. Forgive me if I'm a little off, I woke up this morning at 5am still upset, after coming home upset last night and not going to bed until long after 1am. WIDE awake though and obsessing over the many little mistakes I made at work last night. Everyone is allowed to have a bad night and I can, if I try, remember some of the mistakes made by my co-workers but I, of course, don't focus on those. I forgive those and move past them right away. I give myself no such amnesty....EVER. Growing increasingly more frustrated as the sun started to rise, I started focusing on all of the things I'm worried about. The fact that my stupid visa won't let me work more than 20 hours a week and how that makes integrating myself at work so much harder and how there's a new person coming in who can work more and what if they like her more than me? What if I'm not supposed to be focusing on this job and focusing somewhere else? What if I love it too much and it gets taken away? What happens if I can't find a sponsor so I can stay here? What if, what if, what if...and at this point you're starting to mouth the word 'psycho' to yourself. You would not be wrong. I have been disturbingly calm and faithful that things will work out and I know tomorrow I'll probably be back to that. No, let's be more optimistic, I know that in just an hour or two from now I'll be back to that, but this morning...not so much. So I did what I always do when I get to the point where the crazy starts to take over - I prayed. And then I thought, maybe I should pop on a Mosaic podcast (my home church in LA). I laid on the couch, miserably tired and miserable, and promptly proceeded to cry for the better part of an hour while I listened. Sometimes the message He sends is seriously loud and clear and for anyone with iTunes I highly recommend the Proof of Life: The Love Test talk from Erwin McManus at Mosaic. It's free, it's not even an hour. Anyway, I had about 18 realizations while listening that have changed the face of the game for me.
First of all I've been trying to squelch the love I've been feeling for a few things. Somehow I felt I had to manage that love because maybe it hasn't been asked for yet or because I don't want to look crazy to others. But I LOVE, it's just who I am, and its who God is, and it makes me a better friend, a better worker, a better everything when I give my whole heart to something. When it comes to people and places I shouldn't be afraid to love because I'm afraid of how it might hurt if I don't get it back or if that love is rejected. I'm pretty sure I've said this in a previous blog post, but learning is practice and practice is everyday working on the things you want to make concrete in your life. Life is a process. I feel so much better just having made it through realization number one, however, by this time I've had a second, more important one.
It was made more clear to me than ever how little I truly love myself unconditionally. I do love myself, don't get me wrong, but I love me with conditions. I love me when I behave in a manner that I deem acceptable, when I'm as close to perfect as I can humanly try to be. I love me when I have good days, when I'm feeling positive and I can do my best, when I've gone to the gym, managed not to fight with my sister, been able to give good advice or listen to someone in need. The standard is impossibly high and inevitably I fall short and then the drill sergeant comes out and I beat the crap out of myself. Oddly in writing that, that sounds exactly like how I grew up. I just didn't realize that even not being in that environment anymore I've managed to maintain the regime exactly and without supervision. Why do I have one standard for myself, and one for everyone else? If my co-worker forgot to correct the till by 2.05 and I had to correct it in the morning would I yell at her, wake her up in the middle of the night demanding an apology, and keep reminding her of the mistake at the beginning of every shift to make sure not to do the same thing again? Surely not, I'd be insane, and she'd probably quit because who wants to work for a psycho. I take my psychosis to the extreme. I just want to treat myself like I treat everyone else. I don't care how fat they are, how thin they are, if they're too loud or too quiet, or if they always say or do the right things because many times they don't. I could go on and on but mainly I just let them be themselves, whoever that might be. I deserve that too, from me.
Now that I'm feeling better, at least internally, although still exhausted from a serious lack of sleep, maybe now I can be a bit more newsy. Shannon and I just did a quick trip to Dublin since she had never been. We had an amazing time! The first night we ate at a lovely restaurant in Temple Bar that served Murphy's and Irish food. I was on a mission for corned beef and cabbage. I was unprepared for the delicious find of something called parsley cream sauce that goes with the corned beef and cabbage. It's so good you could practically drink it, probably to the detriment of your arteries. We took in the Cliffs of Moher on a day trip and I highly recommend it if you have only one day to be outside of Dublin. The Sisters Snotty-McGee were impressed. You can walk for ages along the top of the cliffs, watching the waves crash into coves. From far away we had seen quite a few daredevils much too close to the edge and though, "You're an idiot." Finally, though, we came to the end of the walled path and like the anarchists we are, we climbed right over the warning signs to join all of the other idiots on the path beyond. It was so worth it.
The drive to and from took us past fairy circles, crumbling castles, stone tables Aslan-style, and other things mystical and magical. Maybe it was the driver's stories or just the over-all feeling of the place, or quite possibly the fact that I am extremely susceptable to the fantastical - but there's just something about Ireland that makes leprechauns appearing from the fairy kingdom, or mermaids on the shore feel extremely likely.
After a very lovely day we got back into Dublin very late for a very delayed meet up with one of Beth's friends. SO GLAD WE DID THOUGH. He's amazing. We became new BFFs immediately and spent the whole night drinking Guinness and making fun of each other. We are meeting up in Edinburgh in a couple of weeks and I can't wait.
