The stone cottage I have always dreamed about having will be the first thing I see in heaven. I will go through the garden gate, noticing the perfectly untidy sprays of purple roses and hydrangeas that fill every corner of the low-walled garden. Opening the door to the home my heart recognizes as mine, my sweet Angel and Dodger will be doing their 5,000th excited dance that once again I am home. Their antics make me laugh and I take stock of the cozy items that fill the room. The most wonderful piece of it all is knowing that I am truly home. No more leases, no more moving, no decay, death, or depression. I don't have to choose between following my dreams and missing those whom I love, disappointing whomever I don't get on that plane to go see because there is never enough money or time. I am ecstatic knowing that no matter who I want to visit with or share exciting news they are always just 'right next door' in their own little piece of beauty. Most importantly there is time, or rather no time. I don't have to choose to spend an afternoon reading OR walking the dogs OR seeing a friend. There is no longer any or - only and.
There is always my mother's jello salad, cold and fresh, ready to eat, while the smell of Tami's Macaroni and Cheese is flowing out of the oven, always perfectly golden brown at my wish. No matter what song comes on the radio in the house or in my car it is always my favorite one. Yes, there are cars! Yes, there are radios! Anyone who knows how wonderful it is to sail down the freeway with the stereo blasting, singing at the top of your lungs, with a foot on the dash knows this to be true. As it is on earth, so it shall be in heaven. All of the joys, wonders, and delights of this life will be replicated and perfected. And then there will be more! There will be new worlds to discover for all of the explorers disappointed not to be Columbus or Indiana Jones, to go to the edge of the map and beyond. Always the chance to GO, to go, and Come Back. There will be treasures to uncover, secrets to learn, journeys to take via horseback, pirate ship, train or hot air balloon. There will be sunny days, lazy rainy afternoons better spent indoors with a book and a cup of something warm to drink, crisp, snowy nights gazing up past the crystaline trees at the Northern Lights, which are really just night lights now, every night. Purple, blue, green, dance across the sky, a background to shooting stars, so many that every wish we could wish will have its own diamond streaking across the sky.
There will be naps for the sake of naps and when awake, enough energy to feel the exhilaration of sprinting down the country road canopied with giant trees that's always right outside your door. Beaches full of sand that never sticks to you or gets all over your towel. Mountains to reach the top of so you can wonder at the view at beauty that inflates like a balloon. Jungles full of the most amazing creatures never seen before by man but waiting for you to catch a glimpse and revel in the discovery. Paris is just so Paris! with the dirty streets and urine smell gone. London is so London with thousands of streets to explore, and a beautiful blue Thames flowing through it.
There will be tears for there is joy in the release, but they will not be from anguish or pain. I believe we will remember all that is past, the tragedy and the ecstasy that was our lives here, but we will face it with understanding and wisdom, and it will not bind us or tie us to it. We will not be afraid of strangers but look at each chance meeting as a connection with another tiny universe, like the one inside of us. Most importantly it will be life, but life without fear, without loss, without excess, with purity, joy, love, and each other.
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A couple of weeks ago I lost my sweet little Angel dog to cancer. All things considered it happened quickly, with a relatively small amount of suffering and knowing after she had one of the most aggressive forms of cancer a dog can get it is a small comfort. She was her peppy, funny little self up until the day she got sick. I am so thankful that my wonderful friends and family grieved with me, knowing how much she meant to me. People can be somewhat easier to lose if there are reasons you can rationalize why death was expected, weighing who they were and how influential they were in your life as my rational brain can manage to do. Angel was the first loss of someone I had in my life almost everyday for 10 years and the devastation to my world was abrupt and profound. It launched me into so many deep and existential-type questions, depression, fear, and unsettling. At 33 I know she will not be the last time life blind-sides with a loss I feel is too soon or just generally unfair.
''What is the point of this life?" was one of the biggest questions when I consider all of the anxiety, disappointment, and horrors life can bring your way. Depression set in, and a tiredness that seems to come straight from my bones. Her death seemed like another disruption, another loss of foundation in a life that has been one giant upheaval after another. Do not think I don't have a firm grasp on how blessed my life has been in general. I have seen so many wonderful places, formed so many deeply meaningful friendships, and seen dreams I have run after unfold right in front of me. But life is full of pain, probably less so for me in my first world life - there are plenty of people who know suffering on a level I hope to never experience. I, however, have struggled with bouts of depression my entire life and I was struggling before it happened, the loss pushing me over into the abyss once again. Luckily the foundations of my life have been built on sturdier stuff - an ever-growing relationship with God, friends who call or stay with me through the night while I cry it out, and my sister who is the most precious partner anyone could have in life. That foundation has made this battle through the darkness shorter and easier to manage than ever before.
The point of this life is that it is the testing ground for everything that comes after, the fire that refines, the opportunity to make choices to become who we should be and will be in the 'ever after' that God has planned for us after this brief moment. We are meant to connect with everything around us, to form lasting ties to others, to walk hand in hand, helping each other to grow and to learn about each other, ourselves, and about our Creator. More than ever these musings have brought me back to the gut knowledge that if you take God out of the equation the whole thing falls flat. The smartest people would be those who just check out ASAP because for a good majority of people life is misery, a struggle not to drown that always seems one tiny step above futile. There are plenty of people doing amazing things, living happy lives with relatively little trouble, but I would say they are the minority having seen the world from the bottom up. I would also say they are most in danger of missing the message. The world isn't getting better, it's getting worse, with more people in slavery in the world today than ever in history. Technology has made the surface shinier, along with modern plumbing, but it has by no means improved the general state of man or should be taken as evidence that we are improving as a species to something better. I think when hurtful things happen there is something inside of us that screams out each time, ''This isn't right!!!!!" And we are absolutely right, it isn't, it wasn't the intention that we hurt. But if there's only one option, God, there isn't much of a choice and love is only valid when it's freely given. We must choose the good and the beautiful above the wrong and ugly and to have the ability to choose, God placed us here, with the opposing sides, and a choice. We must choose love, we must choose Him. BUT if you don't want to, that's okay, that's what true and unconditional love does, the giver frees the receiver from having to love them back... but you would be missing out.
I am not advocating suicide or 'checking out' by any means, that would be missing the point that this life does matter because of the after. If there is no after, there is no point, because no matter who we lift up, who we fail, who we love, or who we hurt we all die in the end and how we lived is mostly forgotten. I have been searching for earthly immortality in some regards, some way to leave a mark in a famous career, or something to that effect. But it's impossible to create a life here that lasts into the future. And what would be the point of learning if the languages I've struggled to learn, the books I've read, the knowledge I've gained about the world and myself dies with me. Frankly, it's tough, I'd rather just spend my limited time here eating cartons of ice cream and drinking a nice sauvignon blanc. I don't want to be nice or love all the time, certainly not to the guy who pushes me off the crowded train or takes my parking spot when I'm late for school or who takes my heart and throws it away. I don't want to put up with people's crap on the bad days, I don't want to do alot of good things, and if there's no after then why should I? If I hit the guy with my car or pushed him in front of a train I'd just be doing him a favor right? Save him from more misery and satify my sense of justice. I think you know what I'm trying to say here...it matters! Being our best self, striving to be the person God intended us to be should be the driving force of a life. Accepting His unconditional love can make us that person. A loved person shines and radiates, but human love is limited and flawed. People can hurt us, intentionally or not, because they are broken too. But God's love is perfect, and through him we learn to love beyond ourselves because we no longer need to demand their love back to fulfill us. We love those who have hurt us, those we have hurt, those who haven't, we learn that love is not to be limited by how much someone has earned it but because we must. We love because we are so so loved. As ugly as life can be that sentence gives me such a sense of beauty and I see a glimpse of heaven just like I see when I look at the photo above. It keeps me going when the tired sets in and the struggle of life gets to be too much in spite of all I have.
I'm happy I finally wrote all this out. Writing is usually my saving grace....get's it all out so I can begin again. And most importantly, let go, so I can keep moving forward until I get to my Mangey-girl and ever after.
