I have been wanting to write for awhile now but have been very tentative to do so...mainly because how I'm feeling has been changing day to day and hour to hour. To say that it has been a rough couple of months would be an understatement. I am now a week away from being here on an expired visa. Lucky for me immigration has a clearly stated 28 day grace period where I can still be here and apply for an extension should I get a job. Every possibility has been denied up until now and Shan and I have one more application in, each. Both of which have a closing date of November 25th...the day my visa expires. Talk about coming down to the wire. If we get rejections and/or don't hear anything by December 1st then we will be facing booking flights home. No idea how that's actually going to happen since we have very little money and two dogs to fly home as well. Not to mention no place to go as Mom is off in Colorado dealing with the death of my grandma. An exercise in faith is what this has been, and when I say exercise I don't mean a low impact Richard Simmons kind of workout. I mean an army-style, run you til your dead, kind of boot camp for the soul. There have been hours and hours of conversation with each other and with God...with no holds barred on both sides at times. I can't say I'm 100% even now. Faith is hard, so much harder when you see all of your future before you and feel so strongly that everything in your life up until now has led you to where you are at, but you just don't see how it can work to continue. There has been no leading to go back to the states, but no route forward here as of yet. In every other turning point in my life I have always had a sense for what is right, even if it hurt me to do it. The only sense I have is that here is where we were meant to be, that hasn't changed. I could accept going back to the states if it made sense, or if God had changed our hearts about it. We have been praying for anything, for everything...for patience, for acceptance, for peace, for an answer...and we're still here waiting. We both feel we have been given potentials for future spouses, for careers, and for other dreams, and if they were not to be then we've really been struggling with the question of "What was the point?" Is the fact that we haven't gotten an answer yet our answer?
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God wants what is best for us, and dreams bigger than we can even dream for ourselves...which is kind of how we ended up in London anyway. I am still scared for moments at a time, so very scared that leaving will mean hurt that I can't even imagine having to bear. The idea is inconceivable and feels so very wrong. Shannon has blossomed since we moved here and so have I. We have made such an amazing life in such a short amount of time, with friends who are closer than family. I have faith that His plan is always the right one, and our struggle has been that we know sometimes His plan isn't ours. But then we argue that our hearts ARE His heart and He has always guided them in the right way. And then round and round we go with the circular arguments until we're both just about half insane. We are still hoping for a miracle ...still certain it will come.
I think it's appropriate that my favorite Bible story has always been the one of Abraham and Isaac when God gives Abraham his deepest heart's desire and then tells him to sacrifice it. It is the most beautifully poignant story in the Bible and has always resonated with me because at the very least it tells us that you can never put God in a box and that he will do the unexpected always. It has come to mean more to me now because I feel exactly like Abraham must have on the way up the mountain, the whole time he built the alter to sacrifice his kid on....how he didn't throw up from nerves on the way I don't know. Not to be bratty but whoever wrote the Bible version had no sense of drama. How much more comforting would it be to have known the struggle inside Abraham's head, or maybe there wasn't one. He had faith that even if he killed Isaac that God would raise him from the dead because God had promised he would be the father of nations. I am not that strong and in all fairness God hasn't told me directly in a loud voice what I can hope to have in my future...but I admittedly feel like I'm failing in the faith department for all the times I have been so miserable from fear that I could hardly function the last couple of months. Can I willingly give to God the future I feel he has put in front of me - of a future business, husband, and family - certain that he will give it back to me? Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am strong enough, because I know that I have to, and that I want to give it all to Him. I have faith and so does Shan, that even if we are sent back to the States, even if our time here was to be limited and we can't see how it works together now, that someday it will and someday God will give us more than what we asked for.
One of the most beautiful things to experience, even through all of the fear and misery, has been the unwavering support of everyone around us. There has not even been one day that two or three of my friends have not called, texted, or met up with me to chat and encourage me...even when I have not had the strength to keep up the contact myself. Even perfect strangers, or people I have only known a short time at my new job have been brainstorming, or praying, or doing anything they can think of to be helpful. I got a job at another pub by the way. A saving grace for income for the last 5 weeks...even that was a major blessing that I couldn't have worked out myself. Shannon's church family has been sustaining her and us both, really, with all the prayer and support they can muster. When I look back I know that I will see this time as an amazing time of community and growth.
So I'm writing this blog because within a couple of weeks things will be decided either way - the States or here, the place that has become home. No matter which way things go I want there to be a record of the struggle, a record of the journey....so when all of this tiredness, pain, and misery is just a distant memory...that I can remember it the next time a rough patch hits. To remember to be faith-filled and joyful in any circumstance, and to remember to trust. I'll let you all know the verdict as soon as I know...
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
The Whole Story...well some of it anyway
I decided it was very much past time to update everybody who has been asking what in the world is going on over here. I did have most of a post written out when my computer decided to freeze...so sad. Anyway, maybe it was for the best now that I've had a few additional days to reflect.
When last I posted I was just starting the management job at my pub. Since you haven't heard anything from me since you can guess how busy and hectic it became with the end of school looming as well. The last five months have been crazy, busy, tiring, wonderful, fun, and so many other words I don't feel like typing. Most of you know I was meant to be sponsored by the company, which meant I could stay in England, and really launch myself into this business for the long-term. Fortunately, and I really do mean that, things don't always turn out the way you think they're going to. My bosses had made all sorts of promises when I was offered the job, and as time went on I went from being a wonderful, trusted employee who managed them through their busiest months on record, to being a total imbecile who was lucky to be able to tie her own shoelaces. Meanwhile, in reality, my work never changed, actually that's not true, I got so much better but I've really learned with this that when someone dislikes you, there's nothing you can do to change that. My boss became more and more mentally and verbally abusive which made me try harder and harder to play a game whose rules changed every minute....after already having run myself into the ground all summer to make sure things ran smoothly while they were away opening a new pub. Finally when I only had three months left on my visa and nothing had been done towards the sponsorship I confronted them with the dire situation my immigration status would soon be in and to see if they were still planning on sponsoring me. It turns out that they had made promises they weren't willing to keep and even then I was alright with that. I understood that things change, I just needed to know so I could begin to look elsewhere. I took the news calmly and gracefully and offered to stay on through Christmas part time in order to help during the busy season. Somehow though that conversation spelled the beginning of the end for me. The boss who was normally a pleasant man 75% of the time and a tyrant for the other 25% switched those percentages and all of a sudden nothing I did was right. I was verbally berated and told I was 'shit' at my job the one day out of the month I forgot to light candles in the bathroom and so many other ridiculous little incidents. Other employees were leaving because any sane person would not allow themselves to be spoken to in such a manner but I still loved the place and the people I worked with. However, his dislike turned into all out hatred of the very sight of me and he decided that letting me go was the best option. I wish I had a real reason that I was let go. He had already removed me as bar manager stating that now that he was back at the pub he didn't really need one, so as a regular bar staff member I was doing perfectly. Even now as I write this I'm trying to make sense of a situation that makes no sense. They used me all summer, 7 days a week, 12 hours or more a day and a chunk of that was unpaid because I felt I was just contributing to the business, the sponsorship, and my future and doing what I always do when I love something, which is throw myself in 100%. I was working so much I almost chose not to finish my Master's program because I couldn't find the time to finish my dissertation...luckily I finished it. But I am not the first they have done this to and I was naive to think things would be different with me. More than anything I am heartbroken how it ended because it will be a very long time before I can set foot inside the place that I pretty much considered home the last 7 months. I work so hard on my relationships with those around me that to have someone hate me for no discernable reason, someone who I have only ever treated pleasantly and respectfully, is beyond my ability to comprehend. I apologize if some of this doesn't make sense. I am choosing to tell the story as best I can without getting myself into trouble and honestly, to tell the short version of a very long frustrating story.
HOWEVER, all that aside, I believe everything happens for a reason. I am glad not to be sponsored by people who consider those that love them to be so disposable, for I am far from the only casualty. I do wish for justice but it will be had in its own time because hospitality is a people business and they do not care about anyone around them, customers or staff, and that will be their ruin in the end.One thing I refuse to do is to let the seeds of anger and hatred take root and they have certainly been doing their best. It has been a struggle not to hate them for hurting me more than anyone has ever hurt me in my life. But I don't hate them. In fact I do still love my two bosses as people and understand that they are just broken and hurting, and I want to publicly say that I forgive them for what they have done, both to me and to others that I love.
So what now...
Well I am trying my best to begin healing. In spite of it all and how it still hurts so much that sometimes it takes my breath away, I am moving forward. I have been surrounded by the people that being at that job gave me, my London family, and that has been incredibly healing. I will not see them everyday, but as is the nature of things their lives will move forward eventually as well and most of those I was closest to have transitioned out already. I wouldn't trade one minute of the last 7 months because of who I met through work. There was an insane amount of laughter, unforgettable days and nights, comraderie, friendship, and love. One insane man can't take all of that away. In fact I have new and bigger dreams, dreams of opening my own place one day with some of the amazingly talented friends I have made here. A place built and run on love, not on fear, one that fosters community and friendship...what the pub system here was meant to do. But first things first, my visa! I have been applying strategically to places that will sponsor and praying like I never have before. Both Shannon and I are in the same situation. My visa runs out November 25th so time is short but amazingly enough we have both had our moments but are existing in perfect faith that God will work things out perfectly. We have both grown in our faith exponentially since moving to London. It seems He prefers to take away all illusions of stability in order to create complete dependence on him. What is most beautiful though is how stable we feel because of the network of people around us both here and back home. I will not worry about where I will be in two months because I know it will only be the perfect job/home/situation/city that He has planned for me....and for Shan. Our hearts still tell us it's London, and I know if that changes he'll change our hearts. I am sad the old course of my life has fallen away but a new and brighter one has opened up and so I release the old. I know if I'm meant to leave London that it will happen in just that way as well, but for now I'm just waiting with hopefulness.
Thank you to all those who have supported me throughout. I'm sorry I have been wretched at returning emails, skyping, and keeping in touch in general. I will hopefully have alot more time now that I have a bit of a break from dissertation and work. Will keep you all posted as things develop!
When last I posted I was just starting the management job at my pub. Since you haven't heard anything from me since you can guess how busy and hectic it became with the end of school looming as well. The last five months have been crazy, busy, tiring, wonderful, fun, and so many other words I don't feel like typing. Most of you know I was meant to be sponsored by the company, which meant I could stay in England, and really launch myself into this business for the long-term. Fortunately, and I really do mean that, things don't always turn out the way you think they're going to. My bosses had made all sorts of promises when I was offered the job, and as time went on I went from being a wonderful, trusted employee who managed them through their busiest months on record, to being a total imbecile who was lucky to be able to tie her own shoelaces. Meanwhile, in reality, my work never changed, actually that's not true, I got so much better but I've really learned with this that when someone dislikes you, there's nothing you can do to change that. My boss became more and more mentally and verbally abusive which made me try harder and harder to play a game whose rules changed every minute....after already having run myself into the ground all summer to make sure things ran smoothly while they were away opening a new pub. Finally when I only had three months left on my visa and nothing had been done towards the sponsorship I confronted them with the dire situation my immigration status would soon be in and to see if they were still planning on sponsoring me. It turns out that they had made promises they weren't willing to keep and even then I was alright with that. I understood that things change, I just needed to know so I could begin to look elsewhere. I took the news calmly and gracefully and offered to stay on through Christmas part time in order to help during the busy season. Somehow though that conversation spelled the beginning of the end for me. The boss who was normally a pleasant man 75% of the time and a tyrant for the other 25% switched those percentages and all of a sudden nothing I did was right. I was verbally berated and told I was 'shit' at my job the one day out of the month I forgot to light candles in the bathroom and so many other ridiculous little incidents. Other employees were leaving because any sane person would not allow themselves to be spoken to in such a manner but I still loved the place and the people I worked with. However, his dislike turned into all out hatred of the very sight of me and he decided that letting me go was the best option. I wish I had a real reason that I was let go. He had already removed me as bar manager stating that now that he was back at the pub he didn't really need one, so as a regular bar staff member I was doing perfectly. Even now as I write this I'm trying to make sense of a situation that makes no sense. They used me all summer, 7 days a week, 12 hours or more a day and a chunk of that was unpaid because I felt I was just contributing to the business, the sponsorship, and my future and doing what I always do when I love something, which is throw myself in 100%. I was working so much I almost chose not to finish my Master's program because I couldn't find the time to finish my dissertation...luckily I finished it. But I am not the first they have done this to and I was naive to think things would be different with me. More than anything I am heartbroken how it ended because it will be a very long time before I can set foot inside the place that I pretty much considered home the last 7 months. I work so hard on my relationships with those around me that to have someone hate me for no discernable reason, someone who I have only ever treated pleasantly and respectfully, is beyond my ability to comprehend. I apologize if some of this doesn't make sense. I am choosing to tell the story as best I can without getting myself into trouble and honestly, to tell the short version of a very long frustrating story.
HOWEVER, all that aside, I believe everything happens for a reason. I am glad not to be sponsored by people who consider those that love them to be so disposable, for I am far from the only casualty. I do wish for justice but it will be had in its own time because hospitality is a people business and they do not care about anyone around them, customers or staff, and that will be their ruin in the end.One thing I refuse to do is to let the seeds of anger and hatred take root and they have certainly been doing their best. It has been a struggle not to hate them for hurting me more than anyone has ever hurt me in my life. But I don't hate them. In fact I do still love my two bosses as people and understand that they are just broken and hurting, and I want to publicly say that I forgive them for what they have done, both to me and to others that I love.
So what now...
Well I am trying my best to begin healing. In spite of it all and how it still hurts so much that sometimes it takes my breath away, I am moving forward. I have been surrounded by the people that being at that job gave me, my London family, and that has been incredibly healing. I will not see them everyday, but as is the nature of things their lives will move forward eventually as well and most of those I was closest to have transitioned out already. I wouldn't trade one minute of the last 7 months because of who I met through work. There was an insane amount of laughter, unforgettable days and nights, comraderie, friendship, and love. One insane man can't take all of that away. In fact I have new and bigger dreams, dreams of opening my own place one day with some of the amazingly talented friends I have made here. A place built and run on love, not on fear, one that fosters community and friendship...what the pub system here was meant to do. But first things first, my visa! I have been applying strategically to places that will sponsor and praying like I never have before. Both Shannon and I are in the same situation. My visa runs out November 25th so time is short but amazingly enough we have both had our moments but are existing in perfect faith that God will work things out perfectly. We have both grown in our faith exponentially since moving to London. It seems He prefers to take away all illusions of stability in order to create complete dependence on him. What is most beautiful though is how stable we feel because of the network of people around us both here and back home. I will not worry about where I will be in two months because I know it will only be the perfect job/home/situation/city that He has planned for me....and for Shan. Our hearts still tell us it's London, and I know if that changes he'll change our hearts. I am sad the old course of my life has fallen away but a new and brighter one has opened up and so I release the old. I know if I'm meant to leave London that it will happen in just that way as well, but for now I'm just waiting with hopefulness.
Thank you to all those who have supported me throughout. I'm sorry I have been wretched at returning emails, skyping, and keeping in touch in general. I will hopefully have alot more time now that I have a bit of a break from dissertation and work. Will keep you all posted as things develop!
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Happy 31st to me!!!
Well, alot can happen in a very short time. Since we last spoke there have been so many changes and life has been extremely busy. School is finally finished and that seemed very much like it happened by the skin of my teeth. Between work and papers I haven't had much time to even breathe. Dissertation proposals finished on Wednesday and in celebration of that and my birthday we all went out last night and had an amazing crazy night in the W6 (post code). So much love to everyone that made it one of the best birthdays ever and I can't help but marvel at how quickly I have found friends and a life here. 31 is shaping up to be a pretty good year.
In further news...I should know by now that life just happens and the most amazing things come when you least expect them. A principle I should probably try to remember in EVERY aspect of my life although that's harder in practice.
In a strange turn of events the current trial manager of the pub turned down the job and recommended me! Crazily enough the owners agreed and offered me the job. As of last week I am the new acting Manager of the coziest pub in London! They will also sponsor me to stay in England if all goes well and I am beyond grateful and happy and relieved. I'm not sure what it means or where it will take me, but then again I always have lived my life like that and it has always turned out for the best. It has been a stressful first week as I seem to be getting initiated in my new responsibilities pretty hard and fast but I know it's nothing I can't handle and I have plenty of help and support to do so. So yay!!!
Last week we managed to squeeze in a couple of days in Edinburgh with our friend Paraic and we had the most fun time...when I wasn't writing my paper that is. We have now made further plans to meet for a quick trip to Paris in June for a really crazed two days of Fete de la Musique and Disneyland Paris. Looking forward to quick jaunts all over Europe this summer. Speaking of summer, I wish it would come already. It's been what you typically picture of the UK the last few weeks. Rain, drizzle, rain....blah. I broke down and bought some cute rain boots after having wet feet too many days in a row.
In further news...I should know by now that life just happens and the most amazing things come when you least expect them. A principle I should probably try to remember in EVERY aspect of my life although that's harder in practice.
In a strange turn of events the current trial manager of the pub turned down the job and recommended me! Crazily enough the owners agreed and offered me the job. As of last week I am the new acting Manager of the coziest pub in London! They will also sponsor me to stay in England if all goes well and I am beyond grateful and happy and relieved. I'm not sure what it means or where it will take me, but then again I always have lived my life like that and it has always turned out for the best. It has been a stressful first week as I seem to be getting initiated in my new responsibilities pretty hard and fast but I know it's nothing I can't handle and I have plenty of help and support to do so. So yay!!!
Last week we managed to squeeze in a couple of days in Edinburgh with our friend Paraic and we had the most fun time...when I wasn't writing my paper that is. We have now made further plans to meet for a quick trip to Paris in June for a really crazed two days of Fete de la Musique and Disneyland Paris. Looking forward to quick jaunts all over Europe this summer. Speaking of summer, I wish it would come already. It's been what you typically picture of the UK the last few weeks. Rain, drizzle, rain....blah. I broke down and bought some cute rain boots after having wet feet too many days in a row.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
I love myself, I think I'm grand, and when I sleep I hold my hand
Well I had a blog post all written out in one of my last classes but it's been two weeks since then and it just feels irrelevant somehow. It has been somewhat of an intense week. I couldn't even say why exactly. I'm going to chalk it up to necessary personal growth.
I've been working alot, which I love, finishing up papers, which I don't love and now I think I'm catching something considering how scratchy my throat feels. The weather has been gorgeous but now has turned cold again. Such a tease. Forgive me if I'm a little off, I woke up this morning at 5am still upset, after coming home upset last night and not going to bed until long after 1am. WIDE awake though and obsessing over the many little mistakes I made at work last night. Everyone is allowed to have a bad night and I can, if I try, remember some of the mistakes made by my co-workers but I, of course, don't focus on those. I forgive those and move past them right away. I give myself no such amnesty....EVER. Growing increasingly more frustrated as the sun started to rise, I started focusing on all of the things I'm worried about. The fact that my stupid visa won't let me work more than 20 hours a week and how that makes integrating myself at work so much harder and how there's a new person coming in who can work more and what if they like her more than me? What if I'm not supposed to be focusing on this job and focusing somewhere else? What if I love it too much and it gets taken away? What happens if I can't find a sponsor so I can stay here? What if, what if, what if...and at this point you're starting to mouth the word 'psycho' to yourself. You would not be wrong. I have been disturbingly calm and faithful that things will work out and I know tomorrow I'll probably be back to that. No, let's be more optimistic, I know that in just an hour or two from now I'll be back to that, but this morning...not so much. So I did what I always do when I get to the point where the crazy starts to take over - I prayed. And then I thought, maybe I should pop on a Mosaic podcast (my home church in LA). I laid on the couch, miserably tired and miserable, and promptly proceeded to cry for the better part of an hour while I listened. Sometimes the message He sends is seriously loud and clear and for anyone with iTunes I highly recommend the Proof of Life: The Love Test talk from Erwin McManus at Mosaic. It's free, it's not even an hour. Anyway, I had about 18 realizations while listening that have changed the face of the game for me.
First of all I've been trying to squelch the love I've been feeling for a few things. Somehow I felt I had to manage that love because maybe it hasn't been asked for yet or because I don't want to look crazy to others. But I LOVE, it's just who I am, and its who God is, and it makes me a better friend, a better worker, a better everything when I give my whole heart to something. When it comes to people and places I shouldn't be afraid to love because I'm afraid of how it might hurt if I don't get it back or if that love is rejected. I'm pretty sure I've said this in a previous blog post, but learning is practice and practice is everyday working on the things you want to make concrete in your life. Life is a process. I feel so much better just having made it through realization number one, however, by this time I've had a second, more important one.
It was made more clear to me than ever how little I truly love myself unconditionally. I do love myself, don't get me wrong, but I love me with conditions. I love me when I behave in a manner that I deem acceptable, when I'm as close to perfect as I can humanly try to be. I love me when I have good days, when I'm feeling positive and I can do my best, when I've gone to the gym, managed not to fight with my sister, been able to give good advice or listen to someone in need. The standard is impossibly high and inevitably I fall short and then the drill sergeant comes out and I beat the crap out of myself. Oddly in writing that, that sounds exactly like how I grew up. I just didn't realize that even not being in that environment anymore I've managed to maintain the regime exactly and without supervision. Why do I have one standard for myself, and one for everyone else? If my co-worker forgot to correct the till by 2.05 and I had to correct it in the morning would I yell at her, wake her up in the middle of the night demanding an apology, and keep reminding her of the mistake at the beginning of every shift to make sure not to do the same thing again? Surely not, I'd be insane, and she'd probably quit because who wants to work for a psycho. I take my psychosis to the extreme. I just want to treat myself like I treat everyone else. I don't care how fat they are, how thin they are, if they're too loud or too quiet, or if they always say or do the right things because many times they don't. I could go on and on but mainly I just let them be themselves, whoever that might be. I deserve that too, from me.
Now that I'm feeling better, at least internally, although still exhausted from a serious lack of sleep, maybe now I can be a bit more newsy. Shannon and I just did a quick trip to Dublin since she had never been. We had an amazing time! The first night we ate at a lovely restaurant in Temple Bar that served Murphy's and Irish food. I was on a mission for corned beef and cabbage. I was unprepared for the delicious find of something called parsley cream sauce that goes with the corned beef and cabbage. It's so good you could practically drink it, probably to the detriment of your arteries. We took in the Cliffs of Moher on a day trip and I highly recommend it if you have only one day to be outside of Dublin. The Sisters Snotty-McGee were impressed. You can walk for ages along the top of the cliffs, watching the waves crash into coves. From far away we had seen quite a few daredevils much too close to the edge and though, "You're an idiot." Finally, though, we came to the end of the walled path and like the anarchists we are, we climbed right over the warning signs to join all of the other idiots on the path beyond. It was so worth it.
The drive to and from took us past fairy circles, crumbling castles, stone tables Aslan-style, and other things mystical and magical. Maybe it was the driver's stories or just the over-all feeling of the place, or quite possibly the fact that I am extremely susceptable to the fantastical - but there's just something about Ireland that makes leprechauns appearing from the fairy kingdom, or mermaids on the shore feel extremely likely.
After a very lovely day we got back into Dublin very late for a very delayed meet up with one of Beth's friends. SO GLAD WE DID THOUGH. He's amazing. We became new BFFs immediately and spent the whole night drinking Guinness and making fun of each other. We are meeting up in Edinburgh in a couple of weeks and I can't wait.
I've been working alot, which I love, finishing up papers, which I don't love and now I think I'm catching something considering how scratchy my throat feels. The weather has been gorgeous but now has turned cold again. Such a tease. Forgive me if I'm a little off, I woke up this morning at 5am still upset, after coming home upset last night and not going to bed until long after 1am. WIDE awake though and obsessing over the many little mistakes I made at work last night. Everyone is allowed to have a bad night and I can, if I try, remember some of the mistakes made by my co-workers but I, of course, don't focus on those. I forgive those and move past them right away. I give myself no such amnesty....EVER. Growing increasingly more frustrated as the sun started to rise, I started focusing on all of the things I'm worried about. The fact that my stupid visa won't let me work more than 20 hours a week and how that makes integrating myself at work so much harder and how there's a new person coming in who can work more and what if they like her more than me? What if I'm not supposed to be focusing on this job and focusing somewhere else? What if I love it too much and it gets taken away? What happens if I can't find a sponsor so I can stay here? What if, what if, what if...and at this point you're starting to mouth the word 'psycho' to yourself. You would not be wrong. I have been disturbingly calm and faithful that things will work out and I know tomorrow I'll probably be back to that. No, let's be more optimistic, I know that in just an hour or two from now I'll be back to that, but this morning...not so much. So I did what I always do when I get to the point where the crazy starts to take over - I prayed. And then I thought, maybe I should pop on a Mosaic podcast (my home church in LA). I laid on the couch, miserably tired and miserable, and promptly proceeded to cry for the better part of an hour while I listened. Sometimes the message He sends is seriously loud and clear and for anyone with iTunes I highly recommend the Proof of Life: The Love Test talk from Erwin McManus at Mosaic. It's free, it's not even an hour. Anyway, I had about 18 realizations while listening that have changed the face of the game for me.
First of all I've been trying to squelch the love I've been feeling for a few things. Somehow I felt I had to manage that love because maybe it hasn't been asked for yet or because I don't want to look crazy to others. But I LOVE, it's just who I am, and its who God is, and it makes me a better friend, a better worker, a better everything when I give my whole heart to something. When it comes to people and places I shouldn't be afraid to love because I'm afraid of how it might hurt if I don't get it back or if that love is rejected. I'm pretty sure I've said this in a previous blog post, but learning is practice and practice is everyday working on the things you want to make concrete in your life. Life is a process. I feel so much better just having made it through realization number one, however, by this time I've had a second, more important one.
It was made more clear to me than ever how little I truly love myself unconditionally. I do love myself, don't get me wrong, but I love me with conditions. I love me when I behave in a manner that I deem acceptable, when I'm as close to perfect as I can humanly try to be. I love me when I have good days, when I'm feeling positive and I can do my best, when I've gone to the gym, managed not to fight with my sister, been able to give good advice or listen to someone in need. The standard is impossibly high and inevitably I fall short and then the drill sergeant comes out and I beat the crap out of myself. Oddly in writing that, that sounds exactly like how I grew up. I just didn't realize that even not being in that environment anymore I've managed to maintain the regime exactly and without supervision. Why do I have one standard for myself, and one for everyone else? If my co-worker forgot to correct the till by 2.05 and I had to correct it in the morning would I yell at her, wake her up in the middle of the night demanding an apology, and keep reminding her of the mistake at the beginning of every shift to make sure not to do the same thing again? Surely not, I'd be insane, and she'd probably quit because who wants to work for a psycho. I take my psychosis to the extreme. I just want to treat myself like I treat everyone else. I don't care how fat they are, how thin they are, if they're too loud or too quiet, or if they always say or do the right things because many times they don't. I could go on and on but mainly I just let them be themselves, whoever that might be. I deserve that too, from me.
Now that I'm feeling better, at least internally, although still exhausted from a serious lack of sleep, maybe now I can be a bit more newsy. Shannon and I just did a quick trip to Dublin since she had never been. We had an amazing time! The first night we ate at a lovely restaurant in Temple Bar that served Murphy's and Irish food. I was on a mission for corned beef and cabbage. I was unprepared for the delicious find of something called parsley cream sauce that goes with the corned beef and cabbage. It's so good you could practically drink it, probably to the detriment of your arteries. We took in the Cliffs of Moher on a day trip and I highly recommend it if you have only one day to be outside of Dublin. The Sisters Snotty-McGee were impressed. You can walk for ages along the top of the cliffs, watching the waves crash into coves. From far away we had seen quite a few daredevils much too close to the edge and though, "You're an idiot." Finally, though, we came to the end of the walled path and like the anarchists we are, we climbed right over the warning signs to join all of the other idiots on the path beyond. It was so worth it.
The drive to and from took us past fairy circles, crumbling castles, stone tables Aslan-style, and other things mystical and magical. Maybe it was the driver's stories or just the over-all feeling of the place, or quite possibly the fact that I am extremely susceptable to the fantastical - but there's just something about Ireland that makes leprechauns appearing from the fairy kingdom, or mermaids on the shore feel extremely likely.
After a very lovely day we got back into Dublin very late for a very delayed meet up with one of Beth's friends. SO GLAD WE DID THOUGH. He's amazing. We became new BFFs immediately and spent the whole night drinking Guinness and making fun of each other. We are meeting up in Edinburgh in a couple of weeks and I can't wait.
Friday, February 24, 2012
And a partridge in a...
It feels like spring outside and that alone is exciting after an admittedly brief cold period. It's amazing how much your mood can pick up with a change in the weather. In spite of all the frustrations of the past few months, I am in very good spirits. Frustrations from what? Well I have decided to pursue my PhD, that is, providing I get into a program here at UCL. It has been a learning experience to say the least. After multiple meetings with various professors, completely conflicting advice, and 95 changes of heart on a possible PhD topic, I have succeeded with completing my first application. It's for the kind of lamely named UCL SECReT program, a security studies 4 year program. I'd complete another Masters in the first year and the rest would be PhD and internship. Kind of a non-traditional program as it were. It's very competitive and I received both guidance that I need to have my project and research methodology very well thought out, while also being told that it might be best if I DON'T have a specific idea of what I want to research considering how much new information about the field would be thrown at us in the first term. GREAT! Thanks for the clarification. At any rate, if I don't get into this program I will have to define an actual project for a different program, but that can wait until I get the verdict. Who would have thought? I went into this Masters with the sole intention of doing it to get a job right after. I had no interest in academia. It's funny how much difference a few months and quite a few hours of classes can make. I think I'd really like to teach eventually...college, not younger. I have learned an incredible amount of stuff in my time at UCL and alot of that is thanks to the professors, bah, they're called 'lecturers' here but whatever. I'm supposed to be writing my current dissertation proposal as we speak. I have a pretty clear idea of what I'm doing so it shouldn't be too much of a problem. Hurray for more school!
In further news, I got a job! I am pretty glad that I haven't had one up until now, things have been pretty busy. And as with everything in life, this was kind of random in how it happened. There's a pub we frequent on some Sunday nights called The Pear Tree, mainly because of its very exciting pub quiz. It also has excellent food and a staff that looks like they're having the time of their lives. We weren't the only ones to notice because I overheard other people talking about it as well when I was standing outside one night. I kept thinking that I'd love to work there too. It has been a very long time since I've had a job like that but I loved it when I did. There was a reason I left office work after three months to go back to working at Starbucks and at House of Blues. So last Sunday Shannon and my friend Elin and I were headed to the pub quiz. When we got there it turned out that there was no pub quiz. However, because it was less hectic I had time to notice the sign that 'friendly bar staff was required.' I talked to the girls at the counter and had an interview set up before I left. School will be over in four weeks, classes anyway, and I know that if I just have to sit at home all day with nowhere to go I will be MUCH less productive than I would be if I had to be on a schedule. I interviewed yesterday. I shouldn't be surprised at how different things are here in the UK but I kind of was. Normally when you go in for an interview there is some sort of application to fill out, identification to be checked, discussion of hours, pay, etc. That did not happen here. After about fifteen minutes of chatting she asked if I wanted to do the required trial shift now. Apparently you do a trial run to see if you can handle it, fit in the with the other staff, you like it, they like you... This is actually a really great idea I think. It costs way too much to hire people who end up sucking, and then it takes months to get rid of them. It also works if you know what you're looking for in someone and realize what is important for them to have beforehand (people skills, friendliness, a brain) and what can be taught after (how to run the till, pour a pint, where to find the extra condiments).
Admittedly I wanted to cry my eyes out the first 45 minutes or so. It got busy quickly and after approximately 10 whole minutes of training I had to jump in at full steam. Before too long though, the majority of me remembered what I used to know and it was much better. I forgot how nice it was to chat with people and be so busy you don't notice 3 hours passing. I think I got really scarred from working in customer service in Beverly Hills. I forgot that most people are delightful. After I was done with the shift I got to sit down with a drink and relax. At the end of it I was sure I'd cry but only if they didn't offer me the job. They called today with my scheduled shifts so I guess I did alright. Now if I only knew what the pay was...
PS. Posting delayed pictures of our day trip to Hampton Court Palace to pay our regard to Henry the 8th!
Monday, January 16, 2012
New Year, brings new....well, not really, it's the same
I have no idea how I'm already smack in the middle of January. Christmas break was great, but very fast. I found myself back in Dallas right as classes were ending and had an amazing time with my little Robert-Roo and Tami and Marion. It was a busy trip and the only thing wrong with it was that it was too short. I cried pretty much the entire time I was there I think....exaggeration of course but I'm finding it so hard to have my heart in so many places. But it was good, I was with part of the people who I call my family and it was lovely. I got back the morning after Christmas and my friend Emily from LA was already hear running all around London with my sister. We took off for Cardiff, Wales the very next morning.
I love Wales! The people were so extremely nice and in some ways the city reminded me of Anchorage, AK. But we didn't have a castle there and Cardiff does...unfortunately for Alaskans. The castle itself was pretty cool. They used to be the air raid shelter for the area and they have an exhibit in the tunnels that lets you walk through what it was like during the war. I wasn't aware that sound would be motion activated and I rushed on in only to be given a heart attack by my friend Winston Churchill as he announced England was at war. With all the sirens and whatnot pumped in it was almost a bit too real. Having to be up and around really helped me deal with the inevitable jet lag better than normal.
Anyway, after two days in Cardiff we got on the train and headed to Hereford for our bus to a little town called Hay-on-Wye. It's "A Town of Books" and has literally, 31 used book stores in this teeny quaint little town. Anyone who knows me knows you are lucky to be reading this right now as there was a good possibility I was never going to leave - the town was made just for me I swear, it even has an old ruined castle. I found some amazing things and dream of the day when I can go back. Maybe in the summer, and then I will book myself a country horse trip as well. Books and horses...Best. Town. Ever.
We spent the rest of her time here going to exhibits and football games. It was great until I realized it was 5 days before my essays were all due and I had barely begun. I got them done, however, and am trying to get a huge jump on this next semester since I have the additional stress of getting in my dissertation proposal. There are a ton of things to do and plan for and my quantitative research class is already shaping up to be a bear. I am happy though. I am trying to make plans to live in Paris for a month this summer for my dissertation research and possibly to intern....at least those are the excuses I'm using. Nothing beats Paris in the summer and the Olympics will be clogging up London and making it unbearable to do anything touristy that I'd want to do anyway. My genius plan is unfolding.
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