I decided it was very much past time to update everybody who has been asking what in the world is going on over here. I did have most of a post written out when my computer decided to freeze...so sad. Anyway, maybe it was for the best now that I've had a few additional days to reflect.
When last I posted I was just starting the management job at my pub. Since you haven't heard anything from me since you can guess how busy and hectic it became with the end of school looming as well. The last five months have been crazy, busy, tiring, wonderful, fun, and so many other words I don't feel like typing. Most of you know I was meant to be sponsored by the company, which meant I could stay in England, and really launch myself into this business for the long-term. Fortunately, and I really do mean that, things don't always turn out the way you think they're going to. My bosses had made all sorts of promises when I was offered the job, and as time went on I went from being a wonderful, trusted employee who managed them through their busiest months on record, to being a total imbecile who was lucky to be able to tie her own shoelaces. Meanwhile, in reality, my work never changed, actually that's not true, I got so much better but I've really learned with this that when someone dislikes you, there's nothing you can do to change that. My boss became more and more mentally and verbally abusive which made me try harder and harder to play a game whose rules changed every minute....after already having run myself into the ground all summer to make sure things ran smoothly while they were away opening a new pub. Finally when I only had three months left on my visa and nothing had been done towards the sponsorship I confronted them with the dire situation my immigration status would soon be in and to see if they were still planning on sponsoring me. It turns out that they had made promises they weren't willing to keep and even then I was alright with that. I understood that things change, I just needed to know so I could begin to look elsewhere. I took the news calmly and gracefully and offered to stay on through Christmas part time in order to help during the busy season. Somehow though that conversation spelled the beginning of the end for me. The boss who was normally a pleasant man 75% of the time and a tyrant for the other 25% switched those percentages and all of a sudden nothing I did was right. I was verbally berated and told I was 'shit' at my job the one day out of the month I forgot to light candles in the bathroom and so many other ridiculous little incidents. Other employees were leaving because any sane person would not allow themselves to be spoken to in such a manner but I still loved the place and the people I worked with. However, his dislike turned into all out hatred of the very sight of me and he decided that letting me go was the best option. I wish I had a real reason that I was let go. He had already removed me as bar manager stating that now that he was back at the pub he didn't really need one, so as a regular bar staff member I was doing perfectly. Even now as I write this I'm trying to make sense of a situation that makes no sense. They used me all summer, 7 days a week, 12 hours or more a day and a chunk of that was unpaid because I felt I was just contributing to the business, the sponsorship, and my future and doing what I always do when I love something, which is throw myself in 100%. I was working so much I almost chose not to finish my Master's program because I couldn't find the time to finish my dissertation...luckily I finished it. But I am not the first they have done this to and I was naive to think things would be different with me. More than anything I am heartbroken how it ended because it will be a very long time before I can set foot inside the place that I pretty much considered home the last 7 months. I work so hard on my relationships with those around me that to have someone hate me for no discernable reason, someone who I have only ever treated pleasantly and respectfully, is beyond my ability to comprehend. I apologize if some of this doesn't make sense. I am choosing to tell the story as best I can without getting myself into trouble and honestly, to tell the short version of a very long frustrating story.
HOWEVER, all that aside, I believe everything happens for a reason. I am glad not to be sponsored by people who consider those that love them to be so disposable, for I am far from the only casualty. I do wish for justice but it will be had in its own time because hospitality is a people business and they do not care about anyone around them, customers or staff, and that will be their ruin in the end.One thing I refuse to do is to let the seeds of anger and hatred take root and they have certainly been doing their best. It has been a struggle not to hate them for hurting me more than anyone has ever hurt me in my life. But I don't hate them. In fact I do still love my two bosses as people and understand that they are just broken and hurting, and I want to publicly say that I forgive them for what they have done, both to me and to others that I love.
So what now...
Well I am trying my best to begin healing. In spite of it all and how it still hurts so much that sometimes it takes my breath away, I am moving forward. I have been surrounded by the people that being at that job gave me, my London family, and that has been incredibly healing. I will not see them everyday, but as is the nature of things their lives will move forward eventually as well and most of those I was closest to have transitioned out already. I wouldn't trade one minute of the last 7 months because of who I met through work. There was an insane amount of laughter, unforgettable days and nights, comraderie, friendship, and love. One insane man can't take all of that away. In fact I have new and bigger dreams, dreams of opening my own place one day with some of the amazingly talented friends I have made here. A place built and run on love, not on fear, one that fosters community and friendship...what the pub system here was meant to do. But first things first, my visa! I have been applying strategically to places that will sponsor and praying like I never have before. Both Shannon and I are in the same situation. My visa runs out November 25th so time is short but amazingly enough we have both had our moments but are existing in perfect faith that God will work things out perfectly. We have both grown in our faith exponentially since moving to London. It seems He prefers to take away all illusions of stability in order to create complete dependence on him. What is most beautiful though is how stable we feel because of the network of people around us both here and back home. I will not worry about where I will be in two months because I know it will only be the perfect job/home/situation/city that He has planned for me....and for Shan. Our hearts still tell us it's London, and I know if that changes he'll change our hearts. I am sad the old course of my life has fallen away but a new and brighter one has opened up and so I release the old. I know if I'm meant to leave London that it will happen in just that way as well, but for now I'm just waiting with hopefulness.
Thank you to all those who have supported me throughout. I'm sorry I have been wretched at returning emails, skyping, and keeping in touch in general. I will hopefully have alot more time now that I have a bit of a break from dissertation and work. Will keep you all posted as things develop!
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