One is the Loneliest Number aka Insomnia - Episode 382

I seem to have some sort of mental block or something that refuses to let me actually fall asleep the night before classes. The other 5 nights a week I can pass out no problem, but come Monday or Wednesday night and I am wide awake wishing for sleep until it's practically time for me to get up and stumble to my car. It's hot tonight and I can't even sleep in my bedroom so I'm out here on the couch with the AC running. One of the dogs has taken over 75% of my pillow but it's so cute I don't mind sharing because it's not like I can actually sleep anyway!

Shannon's been gone for just a few days and is coming back Wednesday but it's been a disturbing glimpse into what life might be like once she leaves here for good. She's flying to DC for an interview next week, so she's leaving me to my own devices again. I suppose I should get used to it but let's just say it hasn't gone that well. Without adult supervision I have a tendency to wonder around the apartment, periodically checking my empty fridge, obsessively checking my email, watching random documentaries on TV, and generally feeling sorry for my poor lonely self. Not that when she's here much of that changes, since I have hit an extremely low point on the self-discipline/motivation chart, but it's the company part that counts. I have never lived alone with the exception of my last year in Florida when I went to school 18 hours a week and worked two jobs totaling 60 hours a week. When I was home it was to fall, exhausted, onto my mattress for the 2 to 4 hours of time I had between things. I do enjoy the no compromises factor of living alone, and when she's gone I'll have the entire closet to myself. But at this juncture that is no substitute for losing my bestest friend to the other side of the country.

Most of me knows that this is good for me...kind of like being well enough to be taken off the painkillers or released from the hospital, I am now well enough to lose my last crutch. She's held me up through all of the insanity of the last year and it is her time to move forward with what life holds for her. She's going to get this stupid job, I just know it, because I don't think it's any random coincidence that Amy and Joey moved out here and Julia is also moving back just at the time when she might go. I know it helps her out to know that her disgustingly pathetic sister won't be left without good friends around to keep her from going nuts. I apologize for the self-indulgent whining but right now I'm so sad and I can't help it. I know there are plenty of people who live alone and it doesn't kill them, but I don't care for it. I've always had a rotating door of roomates, friends, etc. It's no comfort to know that I need for it to be this way when most of my friends return home to boyfriends, girlfriends or roomates. Without someone to kick my butt into gear I have a bad tendancy to find any excuse not to leave my house, but maybe that's what I need. To be totally left to myself to find it in me to push myself into doing all the things I need to do such as exercise, write, and whatever else I push off because I have a distraction. I can only spend so much time reading the same news on Yahoo before I will settle down and get my crap together.

One of my friends told me recently that she thinks that out of everyone that I'm doing it right. That I left relationships that I knew weren't right for me and have been making choices to become the person I need to be to find the person that IS right. She may be correct but that doesn't make the process and the nights I sit by myself unable to sleep, crying (which luckily have become fewer and farther between, the crying ones anyway) any less painful. Blah, stupid crying, stupid headache. I took two blue-green Advil in the medicine cabinet that I hope represents the sleepy kind. Hurray for being up in 4 hours.

P.S. Just to disclaimer in case my sarcasm is missed - I am SO incredibly excited that she might actually have a job in the city she wants (and needs) to move to...but she knows that, so I get to revel in my selfishness unchecked.

Death makes me think too much

I was laughing on the phone with Jillian about nothing very consequential when Shannon interrupts me with the news that her best friend Melanie called to tell her that her Mom passed away suddenly. In a minute life turned very serious. There, on the right, is Shannon and Mels at Shan's graduation in April. Mels is a 3rd year law student, her mom was barely 50 and there were no signs before the massive heart attack occured. They were Shannon's second family while she was in undergrad since she was so far from home. It was sobering, as death always is. My Mom has had her parents around for 60 years. Mels is 24. Death is a necessity as everything has it's opposite, but the manner and timing are all so weird and funky. Needed there ASAP, Shannon found a great ticket on priceline.com yesterday for $330 bucks and flew out to Atlanta this morning.

In other news I still haven't started working yet, which is totally fine with me. I finally got a very non-specific message that orientation will probably be sometime next week. Great. I got all my student loan funding and so I am set until next September. Life is slowly shifting into another 'era.' My friend Julia got laid off this week from her failing company and it was just another kick in the pants, courtesy of life, sending her in the correct direction. Luckily for me that direction is L.A....not that Santa Barbara is far, but it's certainly not convenient for going out to dinner on a whim. Los Feliz is much closer and that's where she's looking to move. I'm trying to reign in the excitement to be a good friend as she's not as 100% excited to be leaving her fabulous apartment and what was her life for the last 4 years. This I understand all too well. But... *whispering loudly* I'M STILL SO EXCITED. Jillian is about to murder someone out of sheer loneliness and I told her that if she didn't live in BOCA that maybe we would drift in that direction. I keep holding out that our presence will pull on her like a magnetic force and she'll eventually move out here too.

Fat little Mii

We finally got a Wii Fit because Tam 'knew a guy.' Luckily it wasn't as shady as it sounded. It is SO much fun but also one of the harshest pieces of electronics out there. You start out with your choice of Mii figure that you've probably already designed to look like you. Once your Mii is chosen you go through a few balance tests and they weigh you and calculate your BMI. As your weight goes up your skinny Mii body balloons up to match your weight. See pink figure above. It's mortifying for us overweight folks.*L I guess its good for motivation though. You can weigh yourself whenever and they give you a little weight loss plan if necessary. There are fun games (see Mii as penguin above) that disguise activity for good fun. It's pretty easy to get an hour a day in and in addition to games there are aerobic, strength training, and yoga exercises. Everyone should get one. I need to get my fat little Mii shrunk down to a normal size.

In other news I did actually get the job at the zoo. One of the gorillas got sick and they needed a replacement...just kidding, although there have been plenty of unmerciful jokes made by my friends. Jerks. I was supposed to hear by Monday if I got the job but apparently there had been some sort of personal emergency and she couldn't call anyone until 4 days later. So, yay, and they do have an elephant so that'll suffice for no penguins. I figure that I can use the extra money towards a summer study abroad program in France. Besides the obvious bonus of being in the south of France it'll be very good for my floundering listening skills in French.

Run little hamster, run

To the left you'll see my friend Bethany in Santa Monica. I was particularly proud of the photo so I'm sharing it.

I have had a headache for days. When I say headache I mean that it feels like I could have a 1lb brain tumor pushing on my skull. It's possible that the hamster in the wheel in my head is trying to make a break for it through my ear...hmmmm...that could be a problem. At any rate, I'm dropping smoking and these diet pill things I've been on. I need to do both of those anyway so keep your fingers crossed. It's hard to jog when you're gasping for breath.

Things have quieted down at my house, sort of. I've been keeping busy with visiting friends and I've started working for my two friends Kerstin and Tami to construct their website. They've got a fabulous business selling unique baby gifts and once I'm done with the website I'll post the link here so you can go look. I'm trying not to be totally annoyed that I did not get the job with the zoo. I'm not entirely sure why I didn't get a call but it didn't bode well when she said, "I wanted to give a wide range of people a chance but after looking at your resume, well, I just couldn't help but wonder why you'd want to work here?" I thought I made it very clear that I needed something very part-time, something VERY simple. It reminded me of that scene from American Beauty:

Mr. Smiley's Manager: I don't think you'd fit in here.
Lester: I have fast food experience.
Mr. Smiley's Manager: Yeah, like twenty years ago!
Lester: Well, I'm sure there have been amazing technological advances in the industry, but surely you must have some sort of training program. It seems unfair to presume I won't be able to learn.

She also made comments about how I've always moved up to management and I certainly hope she wasn't in fear for her job. I couldn't even begin to guess. Julia was mistaken and they don't have penguins there anyway, so whatever. It must be God's way of telling me to get my butt in gear and write my book, that I have actually started, by the way. Maybe by telling everyone I'll be pressured into finishing it. Speaking of which, I got a compliment on my writing from an unexpected source today. And considering that this person does not hand out compliments like candy, especially to a former foe, I took it very seriously.

My hometown, Bitches!

It's been bizarre to watch this whole circus with Sarah Palin and I'm a little sad not to be in AK to watch the fray. Sarah is from my hometown, went to Wasilla High that I attended my freshman year, went to the church that I grew up in, her aunt was my mom's boss for years...it's all just weird. It's not normal to know the person who is running for such an important office...2nd in command of the free world. That's big. We all know the same people, ran in the same circles, because the community in the Mat-su Valley is small and it's weird to think that people actually know where it is on the map now.
Frankly, all of this Alaska talk makes me very very homesick and I know I'm going to get crap for this but I have to say I really like her. And when McCain kicks the bucket I'm not even that nervous about her being president simply because the woman has a brain and hasn't been tainted by being the Old-White-Boys-Club. For that reason I'm pretty okay with Obama too. Either way, it will be an interesting race and I'm okay saying she's my hometown girl and I'm kind of rooting for her. But then again I'm rooting for anyone that will actually be able to string together words that form complete sentences. I'm tired of being embarassed by the person who represents us on the world stage.

With this ring, I thee shed...

So a few times a month I get a boy or two who contacts me on Myspace with usually a nice compliment to which I say thank you and leave it at that. Occasionally they'll continue the conversation and this time I got a nice note from a decent looking guy named Daron. It was a compliment about my eyes, to which I said thanks. I checked out his profile and noted how he went on about really wanting someone who was classy and the quote by his picture said, "They say chivalry is dead...or is it?" His next message to me? "So, how big are those tits?" Well, let me see, they're definitely bigger than your brain and smaller than the balls it took to ask the question. I also think you answered the chivalry question all on your own buster. I mean GEEZ. I don't keep my profile private because I do hold out the hope that someone normal might see my profile and think, "Hmm, this girl is pretty cool..." but I think it's an impossible dream.

Also this week Shannon shared the story of a professor of hers who was dragged to a divorce ceremony where you do actual vows that go something like, "With this ring, I thee shed..." I laughed...and then laughed some more.

Shamefully enough this is being written in my FLIT class during an exhilarating video on the 12th century. I can do two things at once so we're golden. I'm happy to report I got a job interview for Saturday. It's for the international marketplace at the Los Angeles Zoo. Retail...simple, normal, low-key, and hopefully on my breaks I'll allowed to go walk around and look at the animals. I hear they have penguins and that excites me. I already went on one interview for a receptionist position at a day spa-type place. Because nothing in LA is ever just normal, they mentioned that the pilot for a reality show was in the works. I'm a little relieved that I haven't gotten a second interview. I'm a huge reality fan but whats the point of being on a show where you don't win anything?

This weekend was super busy. My friends Amy and Joey ended their long trek from Florida saturday night at my front door and are now officially moved here. This also excites me. It's so nice to have part of my 'family' here and they live about one mile from me. Their new place is nice and they got a great deal. Their neighbor is totally cute and has an adorable little boy so needless to say I will be visiting often...obviously not for that reason alone...they are very calm and have good energy.
Also my friend Bethany came in from Chicago on short notice for a short visit. We are all old friends from Florida so it was like a little reunion which has been very good for the soul. We tried some totally LA things like breakfast at The Griddle, which, I have to say, is HIGHLY recommended. The wait was like 45 minutes but so worth it. The food is delicious with menu items ranging from raspberry lemon pancakes to pumpkin pancakes to an egg white scramble. We all shared the nutella french toast and got our own egg dishes that were so big we're fairly certain they scrambled up a dozen eggs or so per plate. Also, every single guy waiter was stunning. Baby Brad Pitt was my favorite but they were all spectacularly beautiful...this is LA I guess, but still. The group visit culminated in Amy, Joey, Shannon, Bethany, Julia and I all having an outstanding meal at There's No Place Like Home in Los Feliz. Also, highly recommended as the outdoor seating is expansive and cozy and the menu is superb. There was alot of laughter and alot of old story-telling.

Now it's back to school this week and I'm already exhausted, and Bethany is leaving me tomorrow. Damn her.