You know you're watching too much Gossip Girl when you take a picture at Disneyland and something like this runs through your head.
"Gossip Girl here...Spotted - The Big M on Main Street looking all too friendly with an unidentified blonde fairy. He's looking scrumdiddlyuptious in a purple, 'Willy Wonka'-style suit. But we can't help but wonder if Miss M would find her man as attractive if she knew what was going on behind her ears while she's across the way in Toon Town greeting her adoring fans.
You know you love me,
XO XO,
Gossip Girl"
Yes I know, sometimes I even worry myself a little. I'm just going to say that I have an active imagination and I'm a writer...everyone knows writer's are a little crazy.
Lately I've been pondering a couple of things: happiness vs. joy, and change in regards to age.
I have quite a bit of time every week to think like during drives to school, classes I hate, etc. When I was living in Florida I remember having moments where I'd just bubble over with happiness for no particular reason and even at the worst times I was really happy. But is joy the same thing as happiness? I looked them up...turns out 'happy' can have some really not-so-good connotations as well...such as being 'trigger-happy,' 'a punch-happy boxer,' and so on, giving us a feeling of too much of a good thing. No matter what, this doesn't solve my problem for why, with all the great things going on in my life right now I don't feel that overwhelming happiness. Not that I'm unhappy, really most of the time, I'm just smack in the middle at just 'OK.'
Once a long time ago when I was going through a really bad break-up I was seeing a counselor. And for those who know me, you know it was bad because normally I'd rather saw my own arm off that go anywhere near a counselor. (This is due to my parents scarring me for life. Note to future parents - when in counseling for your marriage, leave your kids out of it. You need the counseling, they don't.) Anyway, this guy was exactly what I needed at the time. When I explained to him that I just couldn't find my way out of the darkness, that there was no part of the me left who normally bounced back from any disappointment, any hurt, after just a couple of hours. My elastic was broken and I didn't see how I was ever going to be okay again. I explained a little about the relationship and he summed it up in one sentence what the problem was. Through all of it I had somehow let them steal my joy. I stopped crying and rambling, and sat to ponder what that meant exactly, and then I had a breakthrough. He was exactly right. Somehow I had wrapped myself up so completely in this other person that I forgot to keep all of who I was and just share. Everything I said or did was tied to their mood or their happiness. I spent all of me building them up only to find myself depleted and empty at the end of it. He promised me that now that I was aware after some time, it would come back to me again.
I would like to say that it was a short road, that it happened, like magic, when I moved away but it took a couple of years and alot of work. Until one day, I realized I was through it and that my joy was once again my own. Joy, happiness, contentment...what do they mean for us? No eye rolls, but the Bible talks about how when Paul, one of the disciples, was in prison and still managed to be 'joyful in all things.' You're in prison, dude, how in the world do you remain joyful during that. After much pondering I realized that joy has very little to do with our circumstances or we'd have very few times of real joy in our life what with traffic, gas prices, Bush, and so on. Joy is a choice, a state of mind that we choose to exist in even when things kind of suck. Joy is choosing to believe that whatever it is that this too shall pass, and to be one of those people that remains greatly unaffected by the 'weather' of everyday life. I have faith that in having held onto my joy that happiness will tag along behind it like an annoying little brother. Hmmmm...am I boring you yet?
Second topic - Change in regards to age.
In three more semesters I will finally have graduated with my BA but in less than two I will need to decide whether to get a job or fill out grad school applications. Most of the best schools for the programs I am interested in happen to be in Washington D.C., and luckily for me, Shannon lives there now so that's a huge draw. The problem is that the older I get the less pliable I am. Like playdough that's started to harden, I have a harder and harder time wanting to find a new comfort zone. I have taken a survey and I am not the only one that this is happening to!!! I used to feel that if I started running into people at the local grocery store it was time to move onto a new place. I have been in LA for over 5 years now and the idea of leaving a place I truly love doesn't excite me at all. Who is this person that I've become? Where is the girl that used to leave for the sake of leaving? Of course I have friends here that I love but I have just as many friends that live elsewhere, and school is temporary, I'm not particularly tied to my apartment, and on and on. Who knows...maybe I'll finish my screenplay or novel sooner than later and that will decide for me...you never know. In the meantime I'm going to visit Shannon in January. Actually visiting the place to see whether I like it or not might be helpful in making a decision.
PS. Christmas tree came! I'll post pictures once it's up and decorated.
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