FAITH

I have been wanting to write for awhile now but have been very tentative to do so...mainly because how I'm feeling has been changing day to day and hour to hour. To say that it has been a rough couple of months would be an understatement. I am now a week away from being here on an expired visa. Lucky for me immigration has a clearly stated 28 day grace period where I can still be here and apply for an extension should I get a job. Every possibility has been denied up until now and Shan and I have one more application in, each. Both of which have a closing date of November 25th...the day my visa expires. Talk about coming down to the wire. If we get rejections and/or don't hear anything by December 1st then we will be facing booking flights home. No idea how that's actually going to happen since we have very little money and two dogs to fly home as well. Not to mention no place to go as Mom is off in Colorado dealing with the death of my grandma. An exercise in faith is what this has been, and when I say exercise I don't mean a low impact Richard Simmons kind of workout. I mean an army-style, run you til your dead, kind of boot camp for the soul. There have been hours and hours of conversation with each other and with God...with no holds barred on both sides at times. I can't say I'm 100% even now. Faith is hard, so much harder when you see all of your future before you and feel so strongly that everything in your life up until now has led you to where you are at, but you just don't see how it can work to continue. There has been no leading to go back to the states, but no route forward here as of yet. In every other turning point in my life I have always had a sense for what is right, even if it hurt me to do it. The only sense I have is that here is where we were meant to be, that hasn't changed. I could accept going back to the states if it made sense, or if God had changed our hearts about it. We have been praying for anything, for everything...for patience, for acceptance, for peace, for an answer...and we're still here waiting. We both feel we have been given potentials for future spouses, for careers, and for other dreams, and if they were not to be then we've really been struggling with the question of "What was the point?" Is the fact that we haven't gotten an answer yet our answer?
 
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God wants what is best for us, and dreams bigger than we can even dream for ourselves...which is kind of how we ended up in London anyway. I am still scared for moments at a time, so very scared that leaving will mean hurt that I can't even imagine having to bear. The idea is inconceivable and feels so very wrong. Shannon has blossomed since we moved here and so have I. We have made such an amazing life in such a short amount of time, with friends who are closer than family. I have faith that His plan is always the right one, and our struggle has been that we know sometimes His plan isn't ours. But then we argue that our hearts ARE His heart and He has always guided them in the right way. And then round and round we go with the circular arguments until we're both just about half insane. We are still hoping for a miracle ...still certain it will come.

I think it's appropriate that my favorite Bible story has always been the one of Abraham and Isaac when God gives Abraham his deepest heart's desire and then tells him to sacrifice it. It is the most beautifully poignant story in the Bible and has always resonated with me because at the very least it tells us that you can never put God in a box and that he will do the unexpected always. It has come to mean more to me now because I feel exactly like Abraham must have on the way up the mountain, the whole time he built the alter to sacrifice his kid on....how he didn't throw up from nerves on the way I don't know. Not to be bratty but whoever wrote the Bible version had no sense of drama. How much more comforting would it be to have known the struggle inside Abraham's head, or maybe there wasn't one. He had faith that even if he killed Isaac that God would raise him from the dead because God had promised he would be the father of nations. I am not that strong and in all fairness God hasn't told me directly in a loud voice what I can hope to have in my future...but I admittedly feel like I'm failing in the faith department for all the times I have been so miserable from fear that I could hardly function the last couple of months. Can I willingly give to God the future I feel he has put in front of me - of a future business, husband, and family - certain that he will give it back to me? Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am strong enough, because I know that I have to, and that I want to give it all to Him. I have faith and so does Shan, that even if we are sent back to the States, even if our time here was to be limited and we can't see how it works together now, that someday it will and someday God will give us more than what we asked for.
One of the most beautiful things to experience, even through all of the fear and misery, has been the unwavering support of everyone around us. There has not even been one day that two or three of my friends have not called, texted, or met up with me to chat and encourage me...even when I have not had the strength to keep up the contact myself. Even perfect strangers, or people I have only known a short time at my new job have been brainstorming, or praying, or doing anything they can think of to be helpful. I got a job at another pub by the way. A saving grace for income for the last 5 weeks...even that was a major blessing that I couldn't have worked out myself. Shannon's church family has been sustaining her and us both, really, with all the prayer and support they can muster. When I look back I know that I will see this time as an amazing time of community and growth.
So I'm writing this blog because within a couple of weeks things will be decided either way - the States or here, the place that has become home. No matter which way things go I want there to be a record of the struggle, a record of the journey....so when all of this tiredness, pain, and misery is just a distant memory...that I can remember it the next time a rough patch hits. To remember to be faith-filled and joyful in any circumstance, and to remember to trust. I'll let you all know the verdict as soon as I know...