Now that I'm back to school hopefully these blogs will become more funny and informative and less introspective again. I suppose introspection is to be expected when one has alot of alone time.
I'm halfway through my first week and have experienced all of my classes except for Armenian Culture which is once a week on Fridays. My first day back was an okay start with Conversation French but I started to panic as our first assignment was an oral autobiography. I HATE speaking French in front of any sort of class. This sounds stupid coming from someone who is a French major. I don't mind one-on-one conversation where I can take my time and find the words, still sounding like a retard, but at least its only in front of one. In all of my classes it feels like I'm the worst one, although I'm sure quite a few others feel the same. Tuesday came and my next two classes were also French but upper-level this time. These are classes I shouldn't be in, but have to be in order to finish my major and graduate on time. I am only catching about 50% of the lecture in both classes, which is problematic since one of them is a lecture course on French Civilization. By the time I left school at 7pm after being there since 11am, I was ready to throw in the towel. My Pop Culture class is nearly 3 hours long and with the first class always being incredibly boring with administrative stuff I was bored into a headache. I don't mean to be snotty but if you can't figure out how to log onto a website per written instructions I suggest you ditch college because you're beyond help. I don't like to be bored, I don't like to go slow, and I don't like to be hand-fed simple information. It's always been hard for me to step back and realize that not everyone thinks like me. This is half the reason I picked a foreign language major, everything else arts, English, or humanities related would have been a cakewalk and I need to be challenged. This knowledge doesn't, however, stop me from being a baby about having to work harder.
Surprisingly enough today has been the most fantastic day. Not for any reason in particular, which is the best part. I got some sleep, did most of my ridiculously long to-do list, and after checking out the syllabii from my classes I readjusted my attitude. I may not get the grades I want necessarily but I will be fine. I even stopped being anxious and silly about the autobiography presentation, which I didn't even have to give this morning. I bought some new music on iTunes the other night and one song in particular was my anthem the entire time I was in the car....Bonfire by Third Eye Blind, off their new album. Also check out Ingrid Michaelson.
There's been some sort of shift in me about everything that I've been pondering this summer and now I know I've surpassed so many of my stumbling blocks. I was literally laughing in the car to myself...just happy. I think I've finally reached a new level of confidence and concreteness in myself. I wish I could articulate why but I just can't. Maybe it's simply because being absolutely concrete in who I am obliterates all worries and doubts when it comes to my relationships. It's been amazing to watch alot of my friends realize their lessons and come into their own. These are usually things I pinpointed ages ago as simple guesses with my perceptiveness. I think it's building my confidence in my intuition to finally be proven right over and over. My point is...I know what's going on!! Life is crazy, and weird, and always surprising, but if you can pay attention to the signs, the details, you can start to see the pattern. Shannon always says I read too much into things. Maybe that's true but practicing being aware makes perfect.
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