I was reminded by Amy that I haven't been blogging lately. Things have been just busy and off for the last 6 weeks or so. Sort of a snowball effect of family visits, sickness, and just being off my normal routine in general. The universe has been pushing me into overdrive with this whole 'fixing myself' thing. Sometimes I'm honestly unsure if I will survive all of this becoming. I feel unstable and crazy one minute just to feel more solid and sure than I have ever been the next minute. I'm like one of those springy doorstops we had in our house when I was a kid. We'd flick them and they'd jerk back and forth like crazy until eventually they became still right in the middle. I'm hoping once the shaking stops that is where I find myself.
Shannon was here for a visit which was fantastic. It went way too fast. Mom came a couple weeks after that and that also went incredibly quick. Tam's Mom and Aunt are here now and this is how it's October 4th and I have no idea where the last two months have gone. Shannon is coming back on Thursday so it continues. I have kind of calmed down about school. It is what it is and however it ends up I'm sure it will be fine. I'm surprisingly calm about graduation looming and the giant black question marks that sit on the following months in my mind like unlocked levels in a video game. That's really the lesson though isn't it? Even the next moment has one of those giant question marks as we really only have moments to walk through. Anything can happen. The scariest and most wonderful part about life... I really must stop taking so long to update because all I can think of are broad life themes to write about when there have been plenty of laughs too.
One thing that's been popping up lately have been discussions of motivation, interpretation, and how that all ties in with acceptance of one's self. Accepting myself in all of my imperfection. It's the last piece of the puzzle, the master key that will open all of the other doors, fix all the other parts of myself I don't like, the coup d'etat or whatever. It sounds so simple, yet it has taken me 28 years, 5 months, and 20 hours to figure out it's the one thing holding me back from waking up one morning to find that the person in the mirror is everything I have ever wanted her to be. As someone who is completely emotional in how they interpret the people and world around them I spend alot of time doing my best to never ever ever make any mistakes in my interactions with others. This is of course inevitable in spite of my best intentions and when it happens it devastates me. I am the first person to punish myself harshly and endlessly for any careless word that hurts someone else, or to worry endlessly if someone misinterprets something I have said with the best of intentions. Forget the times I've really messed up! I can't seem to find a way to get over it and let myself off the hook. I can't let myself have a bad day, a crazy moment, a slip of the tongue, a judgemental thought, any sort of weakness...none of this is acceptable. The truly hilarious part is that I would never even think of judging anyone else for the same things.
My friends say stupid hurtful things from time to time, they get drunk and act like complete idiots, they do amazingly thoughtful things, they have great successes and great failures, we are always friends and no matter what kind of day it is I love them anyway. I am terrified of not being perfect because what if people figure it out and choose to walk away? News flash! They already know that I'm not perfect! (insert gasp of horror here) Apparently I'm the only one who was unaware that my 'imperfect' was showing. When I was more overweight I'd always keep my stomach sucked in so I was constantly tense. I couldn't allow myself to relax, and I always wondered how it would be to stop holding my breathe all the time. I finally stopped doing that, but I haven't quite figured out how to do the same thing with my soul. To release and just let myself be and not be afraid. I see other friendships and relationships where one or more people have some serious neurosis or lash out or do any number of annoying things and someone still loves them, someone deals with it and puts up with it anyway because they love them for who they are. And lets face it all of us have issues and neurosis. I love others unconditionally but yet I cannot do that for myself or truly believe that someone else will too. But that was yesterday you see, today is a new day. I hear everyone complain about everyone else as is inevitable with any group of friends but we are all still invited to the next get-together, we still can laugh together, love each other... I have to have faith in myself and in the people I've chosen to have in my life that we mean the best for each other, even when we jack it up. I have to accept that I too am talked about, that I will sometimes be in need of forgiveness, that sometimes I will sound snotty, that sometimes I will go too far, that I am flawed but not fatally so, and that people will love me anyway in spite of these flaws, or better yet, because of them.
PS. My friend Felix sent me pictures of himself in Istanbul and Rome and said that I inspired him. It made my week and I'm so happy for him. Go Fe!
PS.2 It's finally getting cold and I bought boots today. Whoohoo!! Sweater time.
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