Don't care how, I want it NOW!

I was just thinking the other day how disconcerting it is that 'crazy' runs in my family. I was in a really good place yesterday, and I was most of today as well, but sometimes I slip. This is why I write. And when I slip I mean that I start panicking about life, love, the future, whatever happens to be on my mind really. What I think I'm finding is that I have trouble having unwavering faith. No one has unwavering faith in anything, but if I could slide back down the hill less often it would really save me the skinned knees. Faith in what you ask? Faith that God and life (same thing really) have a perfect plan if I'd just let go.

So I try.

I let go and watch what happens. Then I find something that I think I want more than anything and I have to metaphorically sit on myself to stop myself from trying to 'arrange' it. I slip back into the idea that in order to have anything worth having, or to get anyone or anything I want, that I need to make it happen myself or it will never come to me. This also applies to things that seem too fantastic to actually come to pass. For instance, the idea that I will ever be my appropriate weight seems like a pipe dream, but it's not, it's really happening. This is because I'm now ready to face the reason I was afraid to lose it in the first place. People keep themselves overweight for a reason, and those reasons are rarely physical. I realized that I use my weight as an excuse for not opening myself up to love, I use it as a barrier. I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't have that excuse anymore. It's easy now, I just think, "He would never fall for me because I don't look right." And even if they do show interest I shut it down because I don't look right to me. You have to love yourself first before you can let anyone else do it, and I do love me, just not all of me. Now I feel panicky because I'm shedding the pounds and the thought never occurred to me that, "Shit, what if I look perfect in every way and I still end up not being good enough for them or for me." Don't get me wrong, I honestly think I'm fabulous most of the time, but historically no man (and by this I mean the ones I feel are truly worthwhile) has ever loved me, not even my Dad. Who, in my opinion, is kind of contractually obligated to do so. Whether I like it or not, this lack of positive male reinforcement has really jacked me up.

Here's where the faith comes in.

I can see signs and wonders, evidence that the life God has planned for me is really and truly so much better than anything I had ever consciously wanted for myself. The minute I let go of trying to steer my life I gained some of the most beautiful things. I always hated the stories of the Israelites who continually saw God part the seas and send food from the skies and still managed to lose faith. I always thought, 'You guys are such douche bags to have physically seen so many things and still lose the path.' I never thought I would understand their weakness, but I do now. I have these truths, these gifts, right here and now. I can see them with my eyes and feel them with my hands. These gifts are in the form of my forthcoming degree, my great apartment and pets, my nearly finished screenplay and the backlog of creative ideas that I can barely contain, and my amazing friends. All of these things evolved by me letting go of the lesser, even when it hurt so bad I thought it would kill me. Yet I doubt and I fear and I continue to not trust in the plan.

The last thing I haven't sorted out is this whole love thing. I am happy with my single life, I mean that. I like my solitude and my freedom to do as I wish. But I have always known I wanted a home and family and I am impatient. I know I am not ready, but I hate 'waiting and seeing.' I am a stubborn, petulant child, and when things aren't moving fast enough I struggle to not jump in, roll up my sleeves and make it go. "You can't hurry love" blah blah. I was never a fan of that song. I have grown up enough and looked long enough to know in my heart every detail of the person I want to fall in love with. I see the outline of his heart, the shape and texture of his soul, and these details are carved on my insides so, ideally, when I happen upon this person I will know him on sight. The problem is that up until now, because I am impatient, I have been playing an emotional 'Let's Make a Deal.' I find someone I like and I start looking at the requirements. 'Well, I don't really NEED that it just would have been nice....Oh, and that can go too, I'll make do.' Luckily the universe has worked overtime to continually save me from myself up until this point. One thing I never considered was how I would feel or what would happen if my heart finally did recognize the one it had been looking for. I'm not saying I've necessarily met that person, but I feel I'm at least dangerously close to the whole shebang. I only completely lost my heart once. And people are liars if they say you forget how bad something hurts. Maybe they can, but I can still remember with the same excruciating ache of my insides, how badly it hurts when you give your heart to someone with no anchor or lifeline attached and then have to figure out how to get it back in your chest when it doesn't work out. I am almost 100% certain that I don't have it in me to recover from something like that again. And so now I have a brand new fear to fret about late at night when sleep won't come and the monsters I keep at bay during daylight escape their cages and run amok in my brain.

I like how I try and figure out all the mysteries of my life at 2am. I'm also glad that when an ex calls with news of a new girl I no longer feel the need to vomit or have a panic attack. Sorry, that really has nothing to do with anything but sheer relief at feeling okay again. It could also be a reason for the NOT wanting to ever feel that way again. Am I making less and less sense?

Anyway, my point is that I cannot arrange for the love of my life. No matter how hard I may try to look or screen, how many checks and balances I've put in my heart to run potential people past...even if I find someone who comes through it all...there's nothing I can do to bring them to me. I can open the door to my heart and call to theirs by being my most authentically beautiful, complete self, but I cannot make them come even one step closer. I'm slowly realizing that the love that works, the love that lasts and weathers the storms, is the one that was created by two people moving towards each other at the exact same pace, meeting exactly in the middle of the distance between. These two people are perfectly whole, with no dead weight from the past dragging along, slowing them down. As much as I might want to, I can't run over and drag or carry them to where I want them and they can't pull me along either. And if I'm still incomplete and I try to skip growing all of my emotional limbs by scooting myself along the ground on my hands, I will delay the completion of the whole beautiful design that is being woven together at just the right pace, in just the right way to guarantee that one tug doesn't unravel the whole thing. This limb-growing business hurts, and it's disgustingly slow, but absolutely necessary. I just have to remind myself that in this waiting that I don't need to be afraid of losing, because the other person is still growing too. I must have CONFIDENCE that I deserve love, that I deserve the most amazing person, because I myself am the most amazing person. I tattooed 'I am not afraid' on myself for a reason. Maybe I should tattoo 'patience' on the other side.

P.S. (Interestingly enough the word 'confidence' comes from the French words 'con' and 'fiance' meaning 'with faith.') To have confidence in something means you have faith in it. Cool huh? Well it is to me, but I'm a linguistics geek.

When Spring Break is everything but a break

It's been almost a month since I last posted. I'm trying to remember what in the world I was doing that prevented me from writing or was so boring that I felt no need to write about it. I can barely remember the last week so we might be at an impass here. I was focused completely on school after Jillian left and I was SOOOOOO looking forward to Spring Break. Spring Break is officially over today and I can't be more relieved. I had intended to spend this week writing and finishing my screenplay for its submission into a very important competition May 1st, maybe going out with friends, and getting ahead on my homework. A big 'Thank You' (and I say that with every ounce of sarcasm I have left in my poor tired self) to my douchebag boss for scheduling me for 9 days straight. She magnanimously let me off on Monday, and I called in on Thursday. Every other day was spent slugging it out with the monkeys. I was livid. I also felt horrible for most of the week so that didn't help either. I did actually get alot added to the screenplay by sheer determination alone. I also managed to fit in quite a bit of fun, although granny paid for it every single time.

The week in question started on Saturday when a good friend told me that her engagement was off and she was officially single. We all started partying it up on Thursday at the wrap party for 'The Unit.' I have been to quite a few before but this one was the most fun by far. I spent Thursday resting from a long night of writing and not feeling well, and then I ran out to get an appropriate party outfit. I was dismayed that I had no girly friends to take shopping. It was rather depressing. I did manage to find something perfect. By 8pm we stopped to pick up Rob and his roommate Ian, and were on our way to a place in Hollywood called Sugar. Open bar, as always, but I was designated driver so I limited myself and watched the other three get hammered. I also got to take a photo with Scott Foley, who is totally nice and totally cute.

Friday night we managed to round up the usual suspects (me, Tam, John) and finally added a couple of new additions (Aimee, Rob) for 'Game Night.' A drinking, card playing extravaganza. The night was meant to end early, and it did, just early in the a.m. not the p.m. It was a fabulous time.

I had church this morning for Easter and my last horrible shift. I never thought I'd actually be relieved to be back to school in the morning. I had more time when I wasn't on vacation. I'm also trying to remain calm because I leave in about 5 weeks for my trips and it feels too short. I don't really have anything to do but get passport photos taken for my Sorbonne ID, and pack, but it's still stressing me out. It's strange, but for a few reasons I can't mention and just the fact that I really love my life here, I'm almost feeling sad to be gone for so long. Then I remember where I'm going and I mentally slap myself and call me crazy. My life will be here when I get back. It's just six weeks again...but I will miss my puppies.

It's funny how once you stop trying to meddle with the inner workings of life by switching around cogs, or trying to make it turn faster or slower, you can stand back and see how perfectly it moves itself. It's been nice to relinquish control, not that I had any anyway. Sometimes we just forget that if we let go of our little pieces of brass that we think are so very precious, God can replace it with something priceless.

The Wrath of Grapes

My loathed Italian Culture professor made us all laugh when he mispronounced the title of 'The Grapes of Wrath," hence my title. That little word switch makes the plot a whole nother ball game. I picture the California Raisins brandishing pitchforks and baseball bats. Then again I entertain myself in my head alot, probably best not to share.

It has been a LONG while since I last posted. I have been busy, too busy, for reals this time! My very dear friend Jillian came the week before last and stayed through last Wednesday. It was a fantastic visit. The first night we had a little shindig with all the Florida people who now live in LA.We actually went out on Friday night. One of my first nights out in L.A. We hauled our butts downtown to where Julia lives and walked down to The Golden Gopher. It was a really cool little place with golden gopher lamps. We were having a great time until these bitchy L.A. nobodies had the bartender commandeer our table away from us. We decided to leave when some chick upchucked all over the bench near our table. I've only thrown up in public once and that was the weekend after my 21st birthday. Moderation is key...wish I'd remembered that on Wednesday. Anyway, we then walked down to 7 Grand and by this time Jillian's cousin-in-law had joined the party. The 7 Grand is a weirdo whiskey bar with ALOT of taxidermy and ALOT of people. Thanks to Felix I now have a brand new drink....Campari and oj. Round about midnight we were all very over it and starving. Luckily there's a 24 hour iHop right by Julia's and we ate our fill of breakfast. It was a really good time, but it's expensive and this is why I don't go out often. Monday Jillian and I ended up at Burke Williams for massages. I happened to have a couple of gift certificates that I had never used. It was really quite fabulous. I could use one every single day. Jillian topped off the week with really delicious facials for me, Amy, and Joey.
The rest of the week was busy and fun and intense and much needed. Now I have school to catch up on. Which, I don't really have anything due, but yet I feel terribly behind all the same.

Yo, ho, ho, and a mini bottle of rum

Every single month I hit a point where I'm eating everything in sight and crying for no reason and then it dawns on me...oh....pms. Every month the same story....psychosis sets in and it takes forever for me to figure out there's a good reason for it. Not to be stereotypical but I have some of the worst symptoms. I turn into a lunatic. Tonight I had a rough time at work and felt like a horribly nasty bitch in general, and my two friends Joey and Amy somehow magically got me a teeny bottle of rum and a coke that was waiting for me when I got home from watching a movie. I pretty much cried. I'd just been saying before I left how much I wanted a rum and coke and then like magic...it appears! That's true friendship for you. Speaking of the movie. We went to see Coraline 3D. It was fabulous! There were terrier dogs that were both flying around in angel sweater-suits and ones that looked like bats. It was truly terrifying at some moments and shame on all the parents who not only had their kids at such a movie but at a 9:25 showing to boot. Um, when I was young my bedtime was 7pm on a school night, no exceptions.
I'm SO annoyed. The Amazing Racers are in Switzerland, where I've been before, paragliding (or whatever its called) off a mountain, that is something I totally wanted to do while I was there but couldn't. I need to marry a bazillionaire or become one myself. Preferably the latter, I'd feel really uncomfortable being reliant on someone else's money. And now they're going to Salzburg. Oh Salzburg...it's SO gorgeous. I spent my birthday there last year. I really need to move to Europe. See...crazy only gets crazier with the rum that's slowly being ingested.

Blog roll: Evidence that too much coffee is harmful

**Note: So I'm a little delayed in posting this. My apologies...it was last Thursday. The picture is the label from a bakery in Virginia. Hi-larious.

I am writing this while at school since I have a large break in between classes today. I just moved outside because the dungeon-esque interior of the cafeteria was not only dark but noisy as well. It's cold but it is a stunning day. The sky is incredibly blue and the smattering of cotton ball clouds seem to the take the shape of leviathan sea creatures frolicking around in a giant aquarium above our heads. I wore a skirt out of shear boredom with my jeans and if the sun weren't out I'd have frozen to my chair by now. It's the season for those snowy blossomed trees to bloom and being so high up I can see the circle of mountains that surround and they are so beautiful. People who hate L.A. are seriously disturbed. I'm sipping on two different coffees, one hot and one cold. I'll probably regret both of them midway through my 2hr and 25min class.

There is a great organization that my school called my attention to called Volunteers for Peace (vfp.org) It's for anyone who wants to go anywhere (almost) for 2 to 3 weeks to volunteer. The key selling point is how cheap it is. $300 covers almost everything, you just have to get yourself there. The best part about it is that there is something for everyone. If you want to work with orphans in India, handicapped people in Turkey, at a monastery in Switzerland, or at an archaeological dig in France...you can! I am seriously contemplating one of the India gigs. I'm not sure when I'll be able to make time for it but I feel compelled to go do something that involves more of me than just my checkbook. I don't grow or learn anything about myself by giving money. Worse even is that it's deducted from my checking account every month so I don't even have to do the act of making an effort every month. Oh, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, I support 2 kids in India through Compassion.com, as do a few of my friends. Just because it's not hands-on doesn't mean its not doing good, I just want to do more. Mostly because it scares me to death. It's my general philosophy that if something scares me (barring anything truly asinine) I should probably jump into it. If we only did things we were comfortable doing we'd never do anything because it's our nature to create the most comfortable environment possible. Our culture is so strange. We require kids to learn learn learn. Then once adulthood is reached its sort of taboo to not know what you're doing. Since when did it become a source of shame to say 'I don't know.' It's the 'I don't know' regions that become our unexplored territory. The place where the heart of the adventurer in all of us longs to go. If we know everything then whats the point? One of my professors asked us if we thought that all of the great discoveries had been made. I say no, but there is less obvious unexplored territory so many of us just accept how things are and try to fit ourselves in between all of the bits of life that have already been defined. one example is the interior of the earth. I had no idea, before I had to suffer through Geography, that we have no real concrete proof of what we are all walking around on. The genius method of constructing what we think we know is from recorded shock waves that get sent back to us whenever there's an earthquake. Different soundings supposedly represent different densities. Those waves could be bouncing off mountain-sized dinosaurs for all we know. Unlikely, but there was a point where people seriously believed the world was flat....it's all about historical perspective really.

One of my classes has been making me ponder how much our sight handicaps us. We rely heavily on our ability to see, to the detriment of our other senses. All of our issues with race pretty much come from our deficiency in looking past someones skin or hair color, etc. If we couldn't see then all that would exist is touch, smell, taste, and hearing. We'd be grouped into beings by those who can speak, how well we speak, what language....I suppose we'd find someway to discriminate sight or no sight. However we really need to start looking past our vision to see things a little more deeply. Even if we get past our pre-fab ideas about how someone looks will we really hear them because we're already too busy categorizing them somehow. Sight also hinders the idea of faith. We cannot see someone's energy, or God, or whatever. If we can't see it we can't believe it...it makes no sense. We rely so much on instinct or sensing energy without even realizing it. What makes us know when we're in danger, or being stared at, or when someone is interested in us, or the idea of 'gay-dar.' I'm not joking. Sometimes there's something almost tangible that you sense from another person. I feel you can get more and more attuned to these things if you just stop seeing so much with your eyes and start 'seeing' in other ways.

So, as you can see...I was on a roll, a blog roll, if you will. I actually had to work this weekend so it's now the next week already and 1am Tuesday to boot. Where does the time go? I have had writers block in regards to anything important. Maybe all my writing energy is being taken up by the masses of writing I have to do for my classes each week. It's annoying. That just means I need to step it up a bit. Focus. That is so hard to do. I dare not even whisper it but...I think tv is standing in my way. Which is dumb considering I have a DVR. I think if I forbid myself tv for the week I'd be amazed at all I'd get done. When I read this tomorrow I'll probably declare myself insane but it's late.

Oh the weather outside is frightful

I'm sitting here at 1:30am looking like a giant octopus because I got the fabulous idea to highlight my hair while I was at the grocery store earlier and I just now got to it. I finally sat down and went through my screenwriting book (Save the Cat by Blake Snyder...highly recommended) and followed its instructions. Without some sort of road map a script can end up trying to go from point A to point B and end up at Point U instead. I think we've all seen those movies that just go on and on and have seem to have no point. Anyway, I couldn't write anything else until I knew what I was missing.

It seems I have an endless supply of things to do. 19 credit hours is ending up to be a little more work intensive than I expected. I am busy for most of my waking minutes and when I'm not busy I probably should be doing something but am not.

I came to a realization the past couple of weeks. I don't want to date. I've been unconsciously looking for the next someone and it took being asked out by someone I might have actually dated for me to realize I'm not ready. I have no time, first of all. Anytime I have I need for everything I have going on, and distractions of that magnitude are unacceptable. I just feel like the next time I date someone I'll be closer to the person I want to become. Speaking of which...

The person I want to become is coming closer and closer to me. I'm trying a new thing where I cut out almost all refined sugar and breads/pastas/etc. It's working so fast! The weeks are flying by so before i know it its the weekend and I can have a cheat day. I also joined a co-op thing where you get fruits and veggies from a local farm once a week. It's all organic and an excellent way to support local farmers as well as eat a steady amount of fruits and veggies every week. The cost isn't alot in my opinion if you eat all your meals at home like I do. I got my first ration on Tuesday. It was fabulous. As I was munching on a raw carrot I realized I was fulfilling something I had always wanted to do. When I'm in Europe its a normal thing to get a bunch of fresh stuff from the grocery store and have a picnic, or just have a carton of berries for lunch. I always swear I'm going to do those kinds of things when I'm home and then I usually end up just stopping at Taco Bell. I just want to live the kind of life I want to live now, not someday.

PS. It's been raining non-stop until today. My poor puppies do not like to be wet. Oh, the pictures are me in DC and the Larchmont Farmers Market.

Not all who wonder are lost

I am exhausted. I feel like I've been in perpetual motion for the past month...oh wait! I have been. I started out the year watching Band of Brothers in my living room with Julia who was roped into driving me to the airport in the early a.m., so no alcohol for either of us. I landed in D.C. the night of the first, super glad to see my sister. I got upgraded to first class the whole way there! She lives in Rockville, MD for now but it was just 40 minutes or so on the red line into D.C. proper. I spent a few days walking around by myself visiting museums, college campuses, and freezing to death in general. I loved Georgetown, the school and the area, which brought up all kinds of wonderings and questions that I've been wrestling around in my brain ever since. I had alot of fun with my sister and her friend Carla, who enjoys stuffing the unsuspecting visitor with copious amounts of cookies and candy. I flew home for less than 24 hours...just enough time to mail some books I sold, check my own mail, and repack for my trip to Nashville to see my Mom. Mom and I painted and then painted some more. Her living room and bedroom now look phenomenal. We didn't do much but hang out, which was perfectly okay with me. We did venture into downtown Nashville one cold afternoon. I was surprised that it was so different from what I remember. This could be because it's been 10 years since I went to school there and because I was super lame when I did and never left campus. I returned home just in time to start school this week.
I've been really busy trying to figure out my schedule. I wanted to overload this semester to take Italian but after this morning I ditched those plans real fast. There's an advanced French class that I needed to take but wasn't supposed to yet as I'm still in elementary classes. I got the permission number to add it this morning. This IS a good thing if I want to graduate on time but I'm scared to death that I'm in over my head. I am a little, but that just means that I'll have to work harder. Actually I'm so used to floating in all my other classes that actually having to struggle with something will be nice. I didn't mean that to be as snotty as it sounded. I just mean that it'll be good for me to have to be proactive with something.
I have been pondering pondering pondering questions like 'what does it mean to make a difference in the world?', 'what could I do to actually make a difference?', 'Should that actually be my goal?', and on and on. Do I do graduate school, do I write, should I do graduate school and write, law school, no school, move to D.C., stay in L.A.? I know I don't have to decide NOW but I do need to decide something SOON. It was actually stressing me out because I just couldn't find an answer. These Ani DiFranco lyrics have been swimming around in my head:
and i wonder if everything i do
i do instead
of something i want to do more
the question fills my head

The people in history who prompted the biggest changes never set out to change the world. It seems to me that Rosa Parks, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King, and so on, set out to either right a wrong they saw around them or fix a problem in their immediate world or they simply made a choice to stand for something, never knowing how they would eventually be remembered as revolutionaries. I think about all the people who really make a difference in politics, culture, and world events...how many of their names does the general public know? Probably not many...instead we focus on the Britney Spears and Paris Hiltons of the world. So there is a difference between making an impact and being remembered. I had to really think about which I'd want more. I finally settled on the rough idea that in order to make a positive impact on the world, the only thing we can offer is the best of ourselves, whatever that might be. Whether it be painting, or writing, or dancing, or being a lawyer... I think about moving to India to work in an orphanage, or becoming a lawyer to fight for human rights, or a million other things. Which would be best? Which would be best for me? I have so many interests that quite alot of the time I have a hard time figuring out which interest me the most. Then there's the problem of needing a job or further schooling plans after I graduate. Do I want to live near my sister? Try a new place? So many questions. Rilke says "Live the questions now." Helpful.

Strangely enough it took me finally returning home before it all became perfectly clear. Well mostly clear anyway. My first afternoon back on Monday and all it took was a conversation with Joey, a little research on the USC website, and a drive through Toluca Lake the answers to materialize, like magic, deep down inside where I find all my answers...
L.A. is where I belong...
I've always said, Shan is D.C., I'm L.A. It's so true. If I decided on law school and the east coast I'd be good at that, I know it, but in reading student profiles and whatnot on different sites I just realized I need to save the 'Academic' in me for another lifetime. My heart is in writing and creating. It's taken me so long to realize that its what I'm best at and more importantly it's where the center of my heart is. I prayed for an answer, and I suppose it came to me...like I knew it would. Part of me is a little sad to start letting go of possibilities. Why that makes me sad and not relieved when I so envy my sister's single mindedness sometimes, is beyond me. I think it's the same anxiety I feel when I think of staying in L.A., or marrying, or doing anything that closes off options. I love L.A. I kind of knew in my heart when I moved here that it was a sort of 'last stop' for me. Something in me compels me not to get too comfortable, that comfortable is the enemy. This same monster battles with the other one who yearns to be comfortable and stable. Makes for some fun internal battles.
So the verdict is that I want desperately to live near my sister someday but for now I feel like staying in L.A. where I have friends, and a life, and where I truly love the city I live in, is the right thing for me. USC has a Masters of Professional Writing that seems almost perfect for me. Regardless, I have no definite plans as you never know what's coming for you but it's nice to have options. And I guess I always will have choices to make and that instead of losing options I can look at it as just having more information to narrow them down.
Alright, I'm about to drop. I'm glad I'll be busier this semester. Even a little motion, like having to get up for school every morning leads to momentum. I need that momentum to be more productive than I have been.