Not all who wonder are lost

I am exhausted. I feel like I've been in perpetual motion for the past month...oh wait! I have been. I started out the year watching Band of Brothers in my living room with Julia who was roped into driving me to the airport in the early a.m., so no alcohol for either of us. I landed in D.C. the night of the first, super glad to see my sister. I got upgraded to first class the whole way there! She lives in Rockville, MD for now but it was just 40 minutes or so on the red line into D.C. proper. I spent a few days walking around by myself visiting museums, college campuses, and freezing to death in general. I loved Georgetown, the school and the area, which brought up all kinds of wonderings and questions that I've been wrestling around in my brain ever since. I had alot of fun with my sister and her friend Carla, who enjoys stuffing the unsuspecting visitor with copious amounts of cookies and candy. I flew home for less than 24 hours...just enough time to mail some books I sold, check my own mail, and repack for my trip to Nashville to see my Mom. Mom and I painted and then painted some more. Her living room and bedroom now look phenomenal. We didn't do much but hang out, which was perfectly okay with me. We did venture into downtown Nashville one cold afternoon. I was surprised that it was so different from what I remember. This could be because it's been 10 years since I went to school there and because I was super lame when I did and never left campus. I returned home just in time to start school this week.
I've been really busy trying to figure out my schedule. I wanted to overload this semester to take Italian but after this morning I ditched those plans real fast. There's an advanced French class that I needed to take but wasn't supposed to yet as I'm still in elementary classes. I got the permission number to add it this morning. This IS a good thing if I want to graduate on time but I'm scared to death that I'm in over my head. I am a little, but that just means that I'll have to work harder. Actually I'm so used to floating in all my other classes that actually having to struggle with something will be nice. I didn't mean that to be as snotty as it sounded. I just mean that it'll be good for me to have to be proactive with something.
I have been pondering pondering pondering questions like 'what does it mean to make a difference in the world?', 'what could I do to actually make a difference?', 'Should that actually be my goal?', and on and on. Do I do graduate school, do I write, should I do graduate school and write, law school, no school, move to D.C., stay in L.A.? I know I don't have to decide NOW but I do need to decide something SOON. It was actually stressing me out because I just couldn't find an answer. These Ani DiFranco lyrics have been swimming around in my head:
and i wonder if everything i do
i do instead
of something i want to do more
the question fills my head

The people in history who prompted the biggest changes never set out to change the world. It seems to me that Rosa Parks, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King, and so on, set out to either right a wrong they saw around them or fix a problem in their immediate world or they simply made a choice to stand for something, never knowing how they would eventually be remembered as revolutionaries. I think about all the people who really make a difference in politics, culture, and world events...how many of their names does the general public know? Probably not many...instead we focus on the Britney Spears and Paris Hiltons of the world. So there is a difference between making an impact and being remembered. I had to really think about which I'd want more. I finally settled on the rough idea that in order to make a positive impact on the world, the only thing we can offer is the best of ourselves, whatever that might be. Whether it be painting, or writing, or dancing, or being a lawyer... I think about moving to India to work in an orphanage, or becoming a lawyer to fight for human rights, or a million other things. Which would be best? Which would be best for me? I have so many interests that quite alot of the time I have a hard time figuring out which interest me the most. Then there's the problem of needing a job or further schooling plans after I graduate. Do I want to live near my sister? Try a new place? So many questions. Rilke says "Live the questions now." Helpful.

Strangely enough it took me finally returning home before it all became perfectly clear. Well mostly clear anyway. My first afternoon back on Monday and all it took was a conversation with Joey, a little research on the USC website, and a drive through Toluca Lake the answers to materialize, like magic, deep down inside where I find all my answers...
L.A. is where I belong...
I've always said, Shan is D.C., I'm L.A. It's so true. If I decided on law school and the east coast I'd be good at that, I know it, but in reading student profiles and whatnot on different sites I just realized I need to save the 'Academic' in me for another lifetime. My heart is in writing and creating. It's taken me so long to realize that its what I'm best at and more importantly it's where the center of my heart is. I prayed for an answer, and I suppose it came to me...like I knew it would. Part of me is a little sad to start letting go of possibilities. Why that makes me sad and not relieved when I so envy my sister's single mindedness sometimes, is beyond me. I think it's the same anxiety I feel when I think of staying in L.A., or marrying, or doing anything that closes off options. I love L.A. I kind of knew in my heart when I moved here that it was a sort of 'last stop' for me. Something in me compels me not to get too comfortable, that comfortable is the enemy. This same monster battles with the other one who yearns to be comfortable and stable. Makes for some fun internal battles.
So the verdict is that I want desperately to live near my sister someday but for now I feel like staying in L.A. where I have friends, and a life, and where I truly love the city I live in, is the right thing for me. USC has a Masters of Professional Writing that seems almost perfect for me. Regardless, I have no definite plans as you never know what's coming for you but it's nice to have options. And I guess I always will have choices to make and that instead of losing options I can look at it as just having more information to narrow them down.
Alright, I'm about to drop. I'm glad I'll be busier this semester. Even a little motion, like having to get up for school every morning leads to momentum. I need that momentum to be more productive than I have been.

Shoe drama

It's late, considering that I have to work another 8 hour shift in retail hell in about just as many hours. I haven't written in awhile though and I feel I must. I just got off the phone with zappos.com, from whom I bought a lovely pair of shoes for my next few trips. I checked the status because they upgraded my shipping for free and I wanted to know when to expect them. According to the site they were delivered, per UPS, this morning! Yay! No yay. I checked all 8 of my apartment building doors and no box. I then realize that they've shipped it to my old address because of a billing address snafu and an auto-check box mishap. SO IRRITATING! So it being only a mile away and all I get into my car and do a drive-by of my old house...the whole time praying that the new people are out of town. No such luck. Yes, I have no problem hopping in my car at midnight to stalk a pair of shoes at my old house. It's all been worked out but what a pain.

I leave for DC on Thursday morning. I'm looking forward to visiting Shannon. I've been rushed with all the holiday activities and now a solid work schedule. I was part of the Brown family Christmas activities this year since I couldn't go see my family. Julia and I went down for their Hanukkah celebration on Saturday. They moved it to that day just for me. I was disappointed that there were no bacon-wrapped little smokies this time. Yes, you read that right, Hanukkah and bacon-wrapped sausages...they're not very traditional. We did have latkes and brisket. After about my 25th latke I was near death...but I had...to...have...just...one...more. The argument over whether they were better with sour cream or apple sauce was fierce, but I was outvoted and the applesauce won. I graduated from child to adult and am now allowed to call Mr. Brown, Richard, but that freaks me out so I might just stick with Sir. I also spent Christmas down in the OC with them and we ate a lovely dinner at TGI Friday's with the worst server ever, and went to see the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It was a little long but I think that it is worth another viewing or two. It was beautifully dont but it made me panicky about the brevity of life, as if I needed any help with that. I was always the child who dreamed about it being the last day of camp on the first day of camp. My anxiety about my youth or beautiful moments being over never gives me much rest. I also have some sort of odd disbelief that I will ever be old. I somehow felt that if I simply will it to be so, I will never get old and wrinkly. This all changed when I started examining my hands and thought, "Wait, were those...those weren't there before!?!" Age spots! Light brown, hardly noticeable but age spots all the same. I've now started putting sunscreen on my exposed arms and hands. Sadly it's a battle I'll inevitably lose. Maybe by the time I'm old they'll have a treatment for excessive wrinkles that is a little less barbaric and disgusting than face lifts and botox. Or maybe we should spend less money on research for such shallow things and put all the time and energy towards a cure for childhood cancer, or asthma or whatever. I have asthma and nothing else matters when you can't breathe. Hmm, I think there's a commercial that used to say that. Either way, it's very true. And for those of you who have no concept of what having asthma is like. Try the demonstration I used for a speech I did once. Go fetch yourself a couple of those teeny tiny coffee straws. Now try to breathe strictly on the air that you can suck through them. Picture it even worse if you've walked fast or been jogging and your heart rate is up. No fun.

Anyway I am pms-y so everything is a little more dramatic and worse than it would be normally. In reality everything is fine, shoes and work aside. I didn't get financial aid for study abroad. But the amazing part is that after saying a few prayers of thanks for giving me what I needed not what I wanted (the financial aid lady was super helpful getting me lower cost loans), it wasn't one hour later that my friend Lauren called to tell me that a certain other bit of money was available for me and it will more than cover my study abroad and some debts that I have....for free. I was trying to get God to help me get a 6,000 dollar loan approved and 9,000 dollars was provided instead. It seems the older I get or the more in tune I am with myself and/or the universe, the easier it is to have faith and watch the pieces of life fall into place. This is of course when you're headed in the right direction. It's almost as if I can feel the cogs turns slowly into place so that not only what I need but also the things I most desire shift towards me and fall into my lap. I am incredibly grateful for how everything has been provided and not just my basic needs but the most amazing wishes are coming my way. I've always dreamed of living in Paris and now I get to for over a month. Time to wander by myself, to visit markets...I didn't NEED to go really. I could have somehow managed getting into graduate school without it, but it happened.
I doubt I will have time to write again before the New Year, so to anyone reading this I hope you make resolutions and remain resolute in fulfilling them. Your main resolution should be to live your most amazing life and I hope that everyone I love fulfills their greatest potential. Shannon and I are sending to each other a list of 'I wills.' It can be as long or as short as you want but I truly believe that words have power. Speak what you want, speak it often, write it down, doodle it on a notebook...just put it out into the universe because you will never get what you want without asking for it. My church has podcasts and I was listening to a story I'd heard plenty of times before from the Bible but Erwin's take on it was really interesting. It's the story of Jesus healing the blind man. In it the blind man comes up to Jesus and Jesus asks him, "What do you want?" Well, Him being God and all shouldn't he have already known? And God or not it's kind of obvious that the blind man isn't going to ask a known healer for a new cane or better hearing to make up for his lack of eyesight. NO! He's going to ask to see. The purpose of Jesus asking him what he wanted was because there is power in asking for what you desire. Because nothing can be given to you without you asking for it first. This is why we must be careful what we ask for and also not ask for so little that we shortchange ourselves. What if God wanted to make us an Olympic champion but we only pray, "God, it'd be really nice if I could get good enough to win the state championship." Dream big, ask big. My 'I will' list includes things that may or may not be in my control but that I want to see happen. 'I will' has more power than 'I wish' or 'I would like.' So go ahead, make your 'I will' list and share it with somebody. Go crazy.

I love Africa/Paris/Ireland in the Springtime...

Greetings from a rainy, freezing Los Angeles. It got really cold really fast and of course I procrastinated until it was impossible to get an appt to get my pilot light lit. Forget the gas company. My mamma didn't raise an idiot so I decided to do it myself. I had a healthy fear of blowing myself up but if I went at least it'd be quick right? So I did some research online, thank goodness for the internet, and I found complete instructions on quite a few different pages. Unfortunately it wasn't working so I looked some more. Some genius of a girl had filmed the gas guy turning hers on and her heater was exactly like mine! In a matter of 30 seconds I had mine lit and I'm now toasty and warm in my apartment. This is an improvement over sleeping in a hoodie with the hood up and tied tight, two pairs of socks, sweatpants, under three heavy blankets like I did last night.

I have fun news. I'm crazy (and no, that's not the news, you knew that already) but my goal has been to see all 6 (ice sheets don't count) continents by the time I was 30. I had mentioned visiting my Aunt and Uncle in Swaziland a few years back but it never seemed right. Shannon was due to come out to Los Angeles in May so I had a brainstorm and decided to check on airline tickets. They were super reasonable so after careful thought and planning we decided to go and booked tickets. Hurray for Africa! This means I only have South America, which is planned for early 2010, and Australia/New Zealand, which are yet to be scheduled. I will be going for a week and a half and then I tentatively ditch my flight in London, take the chunnel to Paris, and do 4 weeks there for study abroad. I'm crossing my fingers that I get into the program I'm applying to.

I bought a Ped Egg tonight! What is a Ped Egg you say? It's this egg shaped thing that's essentially a cheese-grater for your hooves. It magically turns them back into feet by shaving off all the nasty dead skin. I tried it the minute I got home because my feet get gross, I don't know why, and I haven't had a real pedicure in awhile. I didn't think it took off much until I opened it up and exclaimed, "Yuck!!" in horror at the half inch of dead skin inside. Ugh I'm still grossed out. My point though, is that it works, and it's fabulous, and for $10 everyone should get one. It could be your Christmas present from me this year so watch out!

Amy, Joey, and I got alcohol and pizza tonight for a No More School Party. I haven't had a night of drinking and Phase 10 in awhile. Keep in mine I'm now a total lightweight and three drinks was my max. So sad, in a good way.

Bad spellers of the world, untie!

Here's a sneak preview of the Christmas photo cards I'm sending out. Obviously the pictures on it will be different as this is a castoff. If you want one and haven't sent me your address yet, please do so. Thanks to Joey and myself for the fabulous photography. I forgot to post fun Thanksgiving photos, but I'll do that next time since they aren't uploaded yet.

I just recently heard someone say that guilt is a useless emotion. That is so true. I skipped classes today because I got sick last night and only slept for like 2 hours. I missed my alarm so I missed the one class I needed to be at. After that I just decided to stay home. Thank goodness my first class doesn't start until 12:30 next semester. Someone had left the E! channel on (Joey!) and I ended up watching episode after episode of E! True Hollywood Story. Luckily they were on Ellen and Reese Witherspoon. I was typing up pages of my screenplay while I watched so all was not lost. Oh, my point was that I feel so guilty about skipping. It's MY education and MY grades after all. I've got tentative A's in all my classes, or at worst, 2 are borderline B's. My guilt is why I never called into work or missed a day of high school. I only have one official day of classes left. I have alot to do for finals but I keep pushing it off. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get the bulk of reading out of the way. But seriously, say 'no' to guilt.

I had a 'come-to-Jesus' with myself yesterday...technically Wednesday, as it's now late. If you'll remember, my mood was in a terrible slump. I knew that the only cure for that was what I've been talking about doing since Shannon left...you know...actually getting off my ass and doing some activity that does not involve wearing a groove in the floor between the couch and the kitchen. Anyway, I woke up later than I'd set my alarm for and I kept going back and forth in my head about going to Laurel Canyon for a hike. I washed the dishes, I showered, I shaved my legs, I texted Amy to see if she wanted to go, I walked the dogs. Finally I got dressed in my tennis shoes and workout clothes and went. I thought the initial hill would kill me since it's been months since I've been active. My breathing has also been bad because I've run out of my normal inhalers. I was happily surprised that I only had to stop once to take my inhaler. It took me a bit longer than normal to go up and back but I did it. All by myself, for the first time ever. I felt amazing all day, and I was really productive. Of course today Granny needs two new hips and possibly a new shin or two but that will pass. I have never once kept up an exercise routine all on my own. I always had someone else wake me up and make me go for the most part. It's just once and my goal is 4 to 5 times a week, but it's a start.

I had a really great talk with Joey today. She stopped by unexpectedly and I was home unexpectedly but it was perfect. I've been stressing out about my writing because the story, although in fiction form, has very detailed conversations and events that actually happened. The story is very personal, as it's my own story, and I'm nervous to have people read it. She had alot of good things to say about being brave. I should be glad that it scares me, we don't grow by doing things that make us feel comfortable. We also discussed the topic of dreams/goals. Tam got a fortune cookie one time that said, "What if you COULD get everything you ever wanted?" or something like that. It's definitely something to think about. Which is more scary: getting all your wildest dreams or not getting them? I remember when I first moved to L.A. and I went on an interview to be Christina Aguilera's personal assistant on her tour. I was driving home when it hit me that all it would take is one 'yes' from the person hiring and all of a sudden I would be on the doorstep to everything I had ever wanted. I remember having to pull over because I was crying so hard. The funny part is, I wasn't crying out of happiness, or sadness that I might not get it, but out of sheer terror that it might actually happen. We all get so used to wanting, whatever it might be that we want, that the wanting almost becomes like a drug. If someone wanted to hand us all of our hearts desires would we turn and walk away? I don't want wanting to be enough. I want to get there and then see what's beyond. There are certain things I've wanted so long, such as being a healthy weight, having an amazing boyfriend, writing a book, finishing college, etc, etc, that they all feel almost so unattainable they're of mythic proportions. I know that they COULD happen but my faith that they will happen is more up there with the idea that Prince William will fall madly in love with me and I become a princess. Sure it's something you think about (at least I used to before Harry became the hot one), but what are the odds. Those things shouldn't be in that category. Most of those are up to me and how much self-discipline I have. Well...everything but the boyfriend, and I am actually in college finishing. However, I don't want to turn 28 this next year and still be self-medicating myself into complacency with TV, computer games, and everything else I let myself get distracted by because it's easier.
PS. Went to see Twilight finally. Julia and I giggled insanely through the whole mess as did the other 4 people in the theatre with us. Twilight is the least interesting of all four books so in a way I'm glad they're doing the other ones. I tell you, if I had to see one more tortured, struggling look from Edward or another awkward roll in the grass with both of them I might have poked my own eyes out. It WAS pretty funny because both Edward and Jasper looked less like they were struggling not to kill somone and more like they were trying desperately not to vomit. It didn't help that evertime it happened Julia kept whispering, "I'm going to be sick, I'm going to be SICK!" I think it would be awesome to have a silent showing where the audience just yells out their own dialogue. It would be high-larious!

Death of a Bicycleman

Finally, the Christmas tree picture. Happy after-Thanksgiving! I hope everyone had as nice a one as we did here. Julia hosted our dinner for 10 in her swanky new downtown loft. The table was large enough for all of us AND all the food we cooked. We started the morning out with the usual Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf tradition courtesy of Amy and Joey. I got a 19lb turkey to cook, my biggest one ever. I was, of course, in my element acting as master of the kitchen. It's a delicious sort of symphony, putting dishes in the oven, pulling dishes out, while making gravy from scratch. I loved every minute. Not that I did everything, we had some great contributions from everybody that really rounded out the day. We also had some unexpected guests that I was so happy to see. It was a really great day.

Naturally my semi bi-polar self, after having such a lovely day, had to drop back down to the depths. The last two days have been shamefully sad and hopeless for no discernible reason. To top off the general angst, I have a traumatizing story to tell. Today as I was driving to work I had an incident with a bicycler. It had to happen someday, what with all the retards of L.A. either riding a bicycle or stepping without looking into a barely marked crosswalk. Those people must think they have some sort of force field surrounding them that makes them impervious to 2,000lb vehicles driving 50 miles an hour....they can stop them with sheer will power you see. Normally I take this into account and watch so carefully, but you can't see whats behind you. I don't really know what happened. All I heard was a bunch of cursing and shouting. I thought I'd run over a cone or something and the parking guy was yelling at me. Turns out there was a man down on a bicycle. He must have hit me or, I him, when I was turning right into the parking lot. And just in case the LAPD runs across this blog, I stopped, checked with him to make sure he was ok, offered to call someone, and he just continued to yell at me and then walked away. The last person I should call when something like this happens is my mother. Who, bless her heart (that was for you Shan), has the best of intentions towards helping me out, but usually just ends up making me more upset. I called Shannon first, and the douche didn't answer, of course. I was freaked out and upset so I called mom. By the time I got off the phone I fully expected that there was a Sheriff's Posse, air support, and most of LAPD out in force looking for the rogue bicycle maimer that left the scene of the crime. I stopped by our security office, they let me know that there was nothing to be done. However, by the time I got to my bosses office they simply had to ask me if I was okay before I proceeded to burst into hysterical tears. They were really nice about it but I hate crying at work. It's such a girl thing to do. Anyway, by the time I left tonight I was ready to crawl into a hole and never emerge again. Luckily today is Julia's birthday so I was required by the People-who-have-been-friends-for Over-10-Years Codebook to suck it up and go out. I'm very glad that I did because I feel moderately more sane. It's always good to be the one who's friends are almost all older than her.

In other news, I've been watching Alias non-stop. I HIGHLY recommend the show, against my wishes I totally love it. Amy has 4 seasons on DVD and I'm up to Season 3. And, if I haven't mentioned it yet. GO SEE ROCKNROLLA! I'm not kidding. It's been out awhile so it might be out of theatres near you but you can put it on your Netflix now. As for me, it's purchase-worthy, which says alot. FYI, 60 pages in on the screenplay. It's not like I haven't been doing stuff, like school, work, and writing, yet I still feel like a lazy-ass. Maybe I'm too hard on myself.

Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fuuuuuuuuur

I have a complaint. And since I'm not stick thin, I feel I have a right to say something. The current issue: skinny jeans. Regardless of the fact that they are a horrible fashion trend, it's made even worse by the people who choose to wear them and shouldn't: Namely guys and overweight girls. I couldn't help but notice the bombardment of pudgy females sporting skinny jeans that were at least 2 sizes smaller than they should have been even for jeans labeled 'skinny.' So I can't help but wonder if those girls were mislead into thinking that skinny jeans make your size 16 ass look like a size 6. Au contrare, mes amis. Skinny jeans mean 'for skinny people only.' You know, kind of like Apple Bottom jeans shouldn't be worn by the white chick in Adam Sandler's song 'I like small butts.' There is nothing sexy about handfuls of flab flowering out from over you waistband and below your too short shirt. Plus, they all look like some horrifying human version of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. I'm plenty aware that I'm not nice, but someone should tell them. Do they not have any friends? I'll also choose to not even mention that guys should never EVER put them on. Alright, I've had my say.

Good news. I'm hacking away at my screenplay. I have now run out of sample pages on the demo version of Final Draft. and I'm wishing that there was anyway around paying $150 or so for the full version. This is a great segway into my next topic. My friend Joey just joined SAG and they have these great seminars and 'conversations' that members and a guest can attend for free. For instance they just had the cast of ER. I believe you sign up, get to be in the audience while they are asked questions by the audience or by some sort of moderator. I'm not quite sure so don't sue me if I'm wrong. Anyway, she invited me to go to the 'Business Plan for Actors' seminar on Monday night. I agreed to go thinking that it might be nice to do something out of the ordinary and also that Joey's just fun to hang out with in general. We made it down to the SAG building on Wilshire right on time and grabbed a couple seats. It was a packed house. I had so many interesting thoughts. First of all I was surprised at how not intimidated I was. I thought it would be packed with gorgeous people who were impossibly thin and talented. This was not the case. They were all very...normal. The talk was led by a working actor who also has an MBA and teaches at UCLA extension. He had alot of really good things to say about being of service and how that should be the main goal of your life. I have thought this for years. It was very interesting to hear how he incorporated it into achieving your goals as an actor. I don't feel like boring anyone further but if you're interested in specifics just give me a heads up. Anyway, the business plan was also very useful for getting anything done, including writing and marketing my screenplay.
Somehow the motivation to write has also led to motivation for other things. I got homework done, correspondence written, Netflix watched, and tons of other stuff. Shoot, I promised Christmas tree pictures. I'll get them, I swear.

Currently watching - Into the Mouth of Madness - sort of recommended if you have low standards
Currently reading - Moliere plays for FLIT - Highly recommended

Speed-dating with a Highway Patrolman

I hope everyone had a lovely Veteran's Day. I myself spent most of the weekend working but on Sunday night I left for Arizona. My cousin Kim lives in Phoenix, as do my grandparents and Aunt and Uncle part time. She just had her second baby so I thought I'd go visit while she was still on maternity leave. Her kids are very cute and we had a good, although short, visit. I wasn't expecting to see them but my grandparents got into AZ the same day I did so we got to have a visit. My Grammy seems to be failing a little more every time I see her and it makes me so sad. She gets so upset when we go. I stayed until Tuesday night and then headed back home. Fun little incident on the way back...
I stopped in Quartzsite which is right before the Cali border, to get gas and food. As I was pulling back onto the highway I noticed a State Trooper just chilling by the side of the road. As I glance in my rear view mirror he turns on his lights and gets on the road. I glance around and think, "Oh crap, I'm the only one out here." Seeing that I wasn't speeding I figured it had to be a light out or something. The trooper comes up to the drivers window, asks for my license, insurance, and registration, and then tells me my license plate light is out. How nice. He then asks me to step back to his squad car. Immediately I think, "What the hell?" I had just heard on the news about women getting pulled over by fake officers and I got a little scared. I walked back there and he shows me which light is out...as if I'm too stupid to figure out that the 'light above the license plate', is INDEED the light above the license plate. As he's filling out the ticket/work order warning, these are the things he asks me. (I make none of these up.) -So what were you doing in Arizona? -Did you grow up there? -No, Alaska, huh? What town? - What did you get at Carl's Jr.? (where I just stopped) -How WAS your crispy chicken sandwich? - How do you like your Jeep? - How's the gas mileage? - What do you do for work in CA?
Seriously? Listen, Buster, you're giving me a lame-o ticket, we're not speed dating here.
I have no idea what Mr. Over-achiever was trying to accomplish, but I guess you get bored sitting on a highway in the middle of nowhere for hours at a time. Anyway, I got home in record time after figuring out I've been taking a lame way all the times before.

Wednesday I had the unfortunate need to get two tires replaced. I hate going to places like that as a girl. They're just so weird about it. I got told I smelled nice, which maybe is why I got a discount, so I guess there's that. I had to do an emergency run to the Getty Museum because I left an assignment until the very last minute. It's a really nice museum with an amazing view of all of Los Angeles. Although sadly enough I'm still museum-burnt-out from this summer's Europe excursion.

Today I got out of my lab super early and stopped by Target to get a few last minute things for our Christmas tree decorating party that we had tonight. Obviously, my tree at my house. No one else is nutty enough to already have there's up. I did promise pictures and I will do so next time I write. So I was on my way home, and I thought for a minute and decided that I was so looking forward to the get together and that I was feeling something close to super happy. After I got home I had to clean out the storage space that's mine in the carport area, in order to get to the Christmas decorations bin. I remembered that I had been worried about a large box of stuffed animals that I'd put in there in January. I should have checked ages ago but I wasn't really concerned until just recently. Turns out my worst fears were realized and that a rat had nested in there at some point. I'm still incredibly freaked out by the thought and am traumatized because I went through it animal by animal and had to throw away some things I've had since I was a baby. It was disgusting. I hate rats. I think it's the book 1984, at the end, where they threaten to put rats in a box on top of someones stomach as a means of torture... that ruined me. We didn't have rats in Alaska to my knowledge. Anyway, my good mood deflated, whether because of that or something else. But again...there IS nothing wrong, I just can't stop the niggling feeling that there is. Maybe it's the weather. It seems whenever I smell the cold winter air it takes me back to last year at exactly this time when I really didn't like myself all that much. It was such a dark time and the residue of all of that remains. I guess I'm not sure how to make it go away, maybe it will when we reach this time next year and I can smell winter in the air without being taken back to a dozen shameful or embarrassing memories.

Regardless of rats and not being deliriously happy, the decorating was really fun. Amy, Julia, and Joey came over and we ordered pizza and watched Love Actually, which is the perfect holiday film. I actually ended up with more ornaments than I needed. This is surprising since my tree is HUGE. I mean it's really really large. 7.5ft tall and 4.5ft at the base. The angel's head doesn't quite reach the ceiling but it's close. It is, however, so incredibly beautiful. I am a sucker for Christmas, and Christmas trees are my undoing. Ever since I was little my favorite thing to do was sit in the dark with the tree lights on, listening to Christmas music. That this tree is all my own...well, it sounds lame but it feels like a tiny step towards actually being a grownup...or something like that. There are just enough ornaments that my mom gave me from when we were growing up, to make it all come together as truly mine. Now as long as my puppies don't eat the fake icicles off the tree, or any of the ornaments, we'll be all set.