Life has been busy which has been fantastic for reminding me of just how much I can handle when it's required of me. I've been in lazy student mode for far too long. Mainly I had just been trying to survive French but with graduation looming it was time to step up the game. I have been continually reminded of how God sews everything together for you when you're on the right path. Big changes seem to come all at once, and everything started with a simple text message from a friend a little over a month ago that launched everything into high gear. The text was from a friend who rents a great house in the Studio City hills and she wanted to know if I wanted to take over her lease as she was moving out of state. After a few miracles and some negotiation I decided that it was an offer too good to not accept. The house is amazingly spacious in a really nice neighborhood approximately one mile where I live now. It has everything I could have wished for and more including a huge fenced backyard where the dogs can finally run free. My gracious friends came over on Monday and got the majority of my stuff moved in 5 trips. Tomorrow we move the furniture. Let's cross our fingers we girls can get the couch out of the house without it plummeting to the first floor. It's a grown up house for a grown up life and it finally gave me the space I needed to invest in a grown up girl bed. I'm excited!
After that unexpected surprise I have been focusing on figuring out how I'm going to pay the bills once I graduate. My new title of 'writer' has been helping me figure out what I might enjoy doing in the entertainment industry since PAing is not something I have any inclination to do. Film develoment and producing just kind of started to shove themselves in my face since that mostly has to do with script finding, rewriting, enhancing, etc. I also realized that if I wanted a job in entertainment even as assistant to a CEO that I would need some experience to put on my resume. The best way to do that is to intern. After a total scheduling fluke (read: miracle) cleared my Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays next semester I decided to start applying all over town for an internship in that field. My wish list for an internship included somewhere close to home, where people were really friendly and not at all 'Ari Gold', and maybe, just maybe, we wouldn't have to dress up every single day. The very first response I got had all of these things and after a quick interview they offered me the job on Wednesday. I accepted it immediately as they have done some crazy good movies and have been doing it for a long time. I am trying my best not to be intimidated and nervous. There was a time I pretty much ran the world at my old job and had no problem balancing a dozen things at once, but it has been a long time since so much was required of me. It is also intimidating to know I'll have to write for my job and have everything I write, read by the founders. Somewhere inside I am fearful that I'll suck. I'm just trying to remind myself that this isn't brain surgery and that when I interviewed for my old job I had no idea what they were talking about when they interviewed me and explained the job. I just knew that I needed the job and that I would learn what I needed to know. I'm trying to keep that in mind for this new adventure. Mostly I am lazy and the longer you sit, sequestered on your couch, the easier it is to forget how productive you used to be. I need to reawaken the side of me that adores being crazy busy, and now doing something I really love should only make it more sweet.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Do you want to play a game?
Even though I was stuffy and a little delirious I had SO much fun yesterday. Well, after the heinous French Civilization midtermI had to take, I had fun. Matty texted me on my way home from school to come over and play video games. When I got to the house he was ridiculously excited and asked if I wanted to go on a treasure hunt. Of course I did! He had found some sort of Redbull hunt on Facebook where the company had hidden cases of their new shots all over the country. You follow the clues to various locations and you get to keep the cases you find. Easy right? Yeah, not so much. We drove over to Burbank and stopped for clue number one. The case was supposedly hidden behind the bus stop on Olive and Maple. I spent most of the entire time worrying that we were going to be arrested by studio security, while we both were very aware of how ridiculous we looked loitering near the bustop while Matty tramped through the shrubbery. There was no case to be found. We went to our next stop - the back of the WB. Us trying to look nonchalant went right out the window as we dove through the giant WB topiary on Riverside. Still no Redbull. A few gigantic man-eating spiders. No Redbull. We made one final stop at the Dimples parking lot but it wasn't in the cards for us. Still we had a great time, probably the most fun one can have during midterms.
Shannon just left me on Tuesday...AGAIN. Admittedly it was against her will but still. We had a nice low-key time while she was here. We had tickets to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios on Saturday and had a fantastic time. We managed to smuggle in some rum but I'll never tell how...however, there are photos. This year was themed after the SAW movies so there were plenty of actors in black wigs with pig masks running around. One managed to camp out right over my left shoulder. One of the best parts of the night was in the Halloween maze when a giant headless dummy jumped up from off the bed scaring the crap out of Matt. It was a fun night but we were all exhausted by 1am.
School is humming along but it's been like being dunked into a pool of cold water this week and next. I've hardly had any homework or projects so far so all of this preparation and work for midterms has been killer. 2 down, 4 to go... if I can just not fail I'll be excited, and that's saying something for me. My 300 level French courses have sucked out my desire to overachieve. I'm taking today off for the most part. I geniusly scheduled my upper division writing exam for tomorrow. Smack in the middle of midterms. It was obviously well thought out. No big deal really, I just have to be up at 6am on a Saturday to do an SAT style essay in 90 minutes or less. At least it'll be done with while I'm in battle mode. After that test and this semester I will only be 6 classes away from finally having my Bachelor's. Go me.
Shannon just left me on Tuesday...AGAIN. Admittedly it was against her will but still. We had a nice low-key time while she was here. We had tickets to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios on Saturday and had a fantastic time. We managed to smuggle in some rum but I'll never tell how...however, there are photos. This year was themed after the SAW movies so there were plenty of actors in black wigs with pig masks running around. One managed to camp out right over my left shoulder. One of the best parts of the night was in the Halloween maze when a giant headless dummy jumped up from off the bed scaring the crap out of Matt. It was a fun night but we were all exhausted by 1am.
School is humming along but it's been like being dunked into a pool of cold water this week and next. I've hardly had any homework or projects so far so all of this preparation and work for midterms has been killer. 2 down, 4 to go... if I can just not fail I'll be excited, and that's saying something for me. My 300 level French courses have sucked out my desire to overachieve. I'm taking today off for the most part. I geniusly scheduled my upper division writing exam for tomorrow. Smack in the middle of midterms. It was obviously well thought out. No big deal really, I just have to be up at 6am on a Saturday to do an SAT style essay in 90 minutes or less. At least it'll be done with while I'm in battle mode. After that test and this semester I will only be 6 classes away from finally having my Bachelor's. Go me.
Monday, October 5, 2009
"Everybody has to leave the darkness sometime"
I was reminded by Amy that I haven't been blogging lately. Things have been just busy and off for the last 6 weeks or so. Sort of a snowball effect of family visits, sickness, and just being off my normal routine in general. The universe has been pushing me into overdrive with this whole 'fixing myself' thing. Sometimes I'm honestly unsure if I will survive all of this becoming. I feel unstable and crazy one minute just to feel more solid and sure than I have ever been the next minute. I'm like one of those springy doorstops we had in our house when I was a kid. We'd flick them and they'd jerk back and forth like crazy until eventually they became still right in the middle. I'm hoping once the shaking stops that is where I find myself.
Shannon was here for a visit which was fantastic. It went way too fast. Mom came a couple weeks after that and that also went incredibly quick. Tam's Mom and Aunt are here now and this is how it's October 4th and I have no idea where the last two months have gone. Shannon is coming back on Thursday so it continues. I have kind of calmed down about school. It is what it is and however it ends up I'm sure it will be fine. I'm surprisingly calm about graduation looming and the giant black question marks that sit on the following months in my mind like unlocked levels in a video game. That's really the lesson though isn't it? Even the next moment has one of those giant question marks as we really only have moments to walk through. Anything can happen. The scariest and most wonderful part about life... I really must stop taking so long to update because all I can think of are broad life themes to write about when there have been plenty of laughs too.
One thing that's been popping up lately have been discussions of motivation, interpretation, and how that all ties in with acceptance of one's self. Accepting myself in all of my imperfection. It's the last piece of the puzzle, the master key that will open all of the other doors, fix all the other parts of myself I don't like, the coup d'etat or whatever. It sounds so simple, yet it has taken me 28 years, 5 months, and 20 hours to figure out it's the one thing holding me back from waking up one morning to find that the person in the mirror is everything I have ever wanted her to be. As someone who is completely emotional in how they interpret the people and world around them I spend alot of time doing my best to never ever ever make any mistakes in my interactions with others. This is of course inevitable in spite of my best intentions and when it happens it devastates me. I am the first person to punish myself harshly and endlessly for any careless word that hurts someone else, or to worry endlessly if someone misinterprets something I have said with the best of intentions. Forget the times I've really messed up! I can't seem to find a way to get over it and let myself off the hook. I can't let myself have a bad day, a crazy moment, a slip of the tongue, a judgemental thought, any sort of weakness...none of this is acceptable. The truly hilarious part is that I would never even think of judging anyone else for the same things.
My friends say stupid hurtful things from time to time, they get drunk and act like complete idiots, they do amazingly thoughtful things, they have great successes and great failures, we are always friends and no matter what kind of day it is I love them anyway. I am terrified of not being perfect because what if people figure it out and choose to walk away? News flash! They already know that I'm not perfect! (insert gasp of horror here) Apparently I'm the only one who was unaware that my 'imperfect' was showing. When I was more overweight I'd always keep my stomach sucked in so I was constantly tense. I couldn't allow myself to relax, and I always wondered how it would be to stop holding my breathe all the time. I finally stopped doing that, but I haven't quite figured out how to do the same thing with my soul. To release and just let myself be and not be afraid. I see other friendships and relationships where one or more people have some serious neurosis or lash out or do any number of annoying things and someone still loves them, someone deals with it and puts up with it anyway because they love them for who they are. And lets face it all of us have issues and neurosis. I love others unconditionally but yet I cannot do that for myself or truly believe that someone else will too. But that was yesterday you see, today is a new day. I hear everyone complain about everyone else as is inevitable with any group of friends but we are all still invited to the next get-together, we still can laugh together, love each other... I have to have faith in myself and in the people I've chosen to have in my life that we mean the best for each other, even when we jack it up. I have to accept that I too am talked about, that I will sometimes be in need of forgiveness, that sometimes I will sound snotty, that sometimes I will go too far, that I am flawed but not fatally so, and that people will love me anyway in spite of these flaws, or better yet, because of them.
PS. My friend Felix sent me pictures of himself in Istanbul and Rome and said that I inspired him. It made my week and I'm so happy for him. Go Fe!
PS.2 It's finally getting cold and I bought boots today. Whoohoo!! Sweater time.
Shannon was here for a visit which was fantastic. It went way too fast. Mom came a couple weeks after that and that also went incredibly quick. Tam's Mom and Aunt are here now and this is how it's October 4th and I have no idea where the last two months have gone. Shannon is coming back on Thursday so it continues. I have kind of calmed down about school. It is what it is and however it ends up I'm sure it will be fine. I'm surprisingly calm about graduation looming and the giant black question marks that sit on the following months in my mind like unlocked levels in a video game. That's really the lesson though isn't it? Even the next moment has one of those giant question marks as we really only have moments to walk through. Anything can happen. The scariest and most wonderful part about life... I really must stop taking so long to update because all I can think of are broad life themes to write about when there have been plenty of laughs too.
One thing that's been popping up lately have been discussions of motivation, interpretation, and how that all ties in with acceptance of one's self. Accepting myself in all of my imperfection. It's the last piece of the puzzle, the master key that will open all of the other doors, fix all the other parts of myself I don't like, the coup d'etat or whatever. It sounds so simple, yet it has taken me 28 years, 5 months, and 20 hours to figure out it's the one thing holding me back from waking up one morning to find that the person in the mirror is everything I have ever wanted her to be. As someone who is completely emotional in how they interpret the people and world around them I spend alot of time doing my best to never ever ever make any mistakes in my interactions with others. This is of course inevitable in spite of my best intentions and when it happens it devastates me. I am the first person to punish myself harshly and endlessly for any careless word that hurts someone else, or to worry endlessly if someone misinterprets something I have said with the best of intentions. Forget the times I've really messed up! I can't seem to find a way to get over it and let myself off the hook. I can't let myself have a bad day, a crazy moment, a slip of the tongue, a judgemental thought, any sort of weakness...none of this is acceptable. The truly hilarious part is that I would never even think of judging anyone else for the same things.
My friends say stupid hurtful things from time to time, they get drunk and act like complete idiots, they do amazingly thoughtful things, they have great successes and great failures, we are always friends and no matter what kind of day it is I love them anyway. I am terrified of not being perfect because what if people figure it out and choose to walk away? News flash! They already know that I'm not perfect! (insert gasp of horror here) Apparently I'm the only one who was unaware that my 'imperfect' was showing. When I was more overweight I'd always keep my stomach sucked in so I was constantly tense. I couldn't allow myself to relax, and I always wondered how it would be to stop holding my breathe all the time. I finally stopped doing that, but I haven't quite figured out how to do the same thing with my soul. To release and just let myself be and not be afraid. I see other friendships and relationships where one or more people have some serious neurosis or lash out or do any number of annoying things and someone still loves them, someone deals with it and puts up with it anyway because they love them for who they are. And lets face it all of us have issues and neurosis. I love others unconditionally but yet I cannot do that for myself or truly believe that someone else will too. But that was yesterday you see, today is a new day. I hear everyone complain about everyone else as is inevitable with any group of friends but we are all still invited to the next get-together, we still can laugh together, love each other... I have to have faith in myself and in the people I've chosen to have in my life that we mean the best for each other, even when we jack it up. I have to accept that I too am talked about, that I will sometimes be in need of forgiveness, that sometimes I will sound snotty, that sometimes I will go too far, that I am flawed but not fatally so, and that people will love me anyway in spite of these flaws, or better yet, because of them.
PS. My friend Felix sent me pictures of himself in Istanbul and Rome and said that I inspired him. It made my week and I'm so happy for him. Go Fe!
PS.2 It's finally getting cold and I bought boots today. Whoohoo!! Sweater time.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Have YOU seen this missing mini pony?
Now that I'm back to school hopefully these blogs will become more funny and informative and less introspective again. I suppose introspection is to be expected when one has alot of alone time.
I'm halfway through my first week and have experienced all of my classes except for Armenian Culture which is once a week on Fridays. My first day back was an okay start with Conversation French but I started to panic as our first assignment was an oral autobiography. I HATE speaking French in front of any sort of class. This sounds stupid coming from someone who is a French major. I don't mind one-on-one conversation where I can take my time and find the words, still sounding like a retard, but at least its only in front of one. In all of my classes it feels like I'm the worst one, although I'm sure quite a few others feel the same. Tuesday came and my next two classes were also French but upper-level this time. These are classes I shouldn't be in, but have to be in order to finish my major and graduate on time. I am only catching about 50% of the lecture in both classes, which is problematic since one of them is a lecture course on French Civilization. By the time I left school at 7pm after being there since 11am, I was ready to throw in the towel. My Pop Culture class is nearly 3 hours long and with the first class always being incredibly boring with administrative stuff I was bored into a headache. I don't mean to be snotty but if you can't figure out how to log onto a website per written instructions I suggest you ditch college because you're beyond help. I don't like to be bored, I don't like to go slow, and I don't like to be hand-fed simple information. It's always been hard for me to step back and realize that not everyone thinks like me. This is half the reason I picked a foreign language major, everything else arts, English, or humanities related would have been a cakewalk and I need to be challenged. This knowledge doesn't, however, stop me from being a baby about having to work harder.
Surprisingly enough today has been the most fantastic day. Not for any reason in particular, which is the best part. I got some sleep, did most of my ridiculously long to-do list, and after checking out the syllabii from my classes I readjusted my attitude. I may not get the grades I want necessarily but I will be fine. I even stopped being anxious and silly about the autobiography presentation, which I didn't even have to give this morning. I bought some new music on iTunes the other night and one song in particular was my anthem the entire time I was in the car....Bonfire by Third Eye Blind, off their new album. Also check out Ingrid Michaelson.
There's been some sort of shift in me about everything that I've been pondering this summer and now I know I've surpassed so many of my stumbling blocks. I was literally laughing in the car to myself...just happy. I think I've finally reached a new level of confidence and concreteness in myself. I wish I could articulate why but I just can't. Maybe it's simply because being absolutely concrete in who I am obliterates all worries and doubts when it comes to my relationships. It's been amazing to watch alot of my friends realize their lessons and come into their own. These are usually things I pinpointed ages ago as simple guesses with my perceptiveness. I think it's building my confidence in my intuition to finally be proven right over and over. My point is...I know what's going on!! Life is crazy, and weird, and always surprising, but if you can pay attention to the signs, the details, you can start to see the pattern. Shannon always says I read too much into things. Maybe that's true but practicing being aware makes perfect.
I'm halfway through my first week and have experienced all of my classes except for Armenian Culture which is once a week on Fridays. My first day back was an okay start with Conversation French but I started to panic as our first assignment was an oral autobiography. I HATE speaking French in front of any sort of class. This sounds stupid coming from someone who is a French major. I don't mind one-on-one conversation where I can take my time and find the words, still sounding like a retard, but at least its only in front of one. In all of my classes it feels like I'm the worst one, although I'm sure quite a few others feel the same. Tuesday came and my next two classes were also French but upper-level this time. These are classes I shouldn't be in, but have to be in order to finish my major and graduate on time. I am only catching about 50% of the lecture in both classes, which is problematic since one of them is a lecture course on French Civilization. By the time I left school at 7pm after being there since 11am, I was ready to throw in the towel. My Pop Culture class is nearly 3 hours long and with the first class always being incredibly boring with administrative stuff I was bored into a headache. I don't mean to be snotty but if you can't figure out how to log onto a website per written instructions I suggest you ditch college because you're beyond help. I don't like to be bored, I don't like to go slow, and I don't like to be hand-fed simple information. It's always been hard for me to step back and realize that not everyone thinks like me. This is half the reason I picked a foreign language major, everything else arts, English, or humanities related would have been a cakewalk and I need to be challenged. This knowledge doesn't, however, stop me from being a baby about having to work harder.
Surprisingly enough today has been the most fantastic day. Not for any reason in particular, which is the best part. I got some sleep, did most of my ridiculously long to-do list, and after checking out the syllabii from my classes I readjusted my attitude. I may not get the grades I want necessarily but I will be fine. I even stopped being anxious and silly about the autobiography presentation, which I didn't even have to give this morning. I bought some new music on iTunes the other night and one song in particular was my anthem the entire time I was in the car....Bonfire by Third Eye Blind, off their new album. Also check out Ingrid Michaelson.
There's been some sort of shift in me about everything that I've been pondering this summer and now I know I've surpassed so many of my stumbling blocks. I was literally laughing in the car to myself...just happy. I think I've finally reached a new level of confidence and concreteness in myself. I wish I could articulate why but I just can't. Maybe it's simply because being absolutely concrete in who I am obliterates all worries and doubts when it comes to my relationships. It's been amazing to watch alot of my friends realize their lessons and come into their own. These are usually things I pinpointed ages ago as simple guesses with my perceptiveness. I think it's building my confidence in my intuition to finally be proven right over and over. My point is...I know what's going on!! Life is crazy, and weird, and always surprising, but if you can pay attention to the signs, the details, you can start to see the pattern. Shannon always says I read too much into things. Maybe that's true but practicing being aware makes perfect.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Hurry up and wait OR Be Here Now
School starts Monday...darn! I am both excited to go back to classes and 'blah' about it at the same time. I didn't get the exact schedule I wanted, which means I have to take an extra class but at least it's one that's online. I'm enjoying the last week of freedom but mostly I'm just bored. Not exactly bored but right now I am struggling with patience and waiting. Everything I want is concreted into a process. It will all happen, it just has to happen eventually. I'm working on getting the discipline to stop wasting my time sitting around waiting for it but to live in the now and get stuff done. It's not that I don't have stuff to do so it's just a matter of shifting the focus. I'm very much the kind of person who will stay up all night to get something done that needs to be done and none of these things call for that kind of work ethic.
There has been alot of relationship-type news this week from all fronts and most of it makes me want to scream, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE?" Are we so fundamentally opposed to being alone that we marry in haste, or deal with crazy people, or get married at 19, or any number of stupid things I've heard this week. What is so wrong with solitude?? Not saying I've got it all together or that I do everything right, but with the wealth of bad examples around me I don't see any reason not to be absolutely cautious before jumping into something with another human being who is just as flawed and full of issues as I am. And no matter what our emotions say, love is not enough. I've loved a number of people in my life that I would not be able to stand on a daily basis. Really LIKING someone is key, also getting to know them well enough that you figure out their flaws and decide whether or not they're flaws you want to deal with is helpful. Everyone has them, and we all have different things that we will and will not handle. I'd rather not do all this figuring out after the fact. More important is knowing myself. If I don't know myself and my good and bad points, what I like and don't like, how on earth will I be able to accurately assess a decent partner. It's like walking into a car dealership with no idea what you want or need. 5 hours later and you're walking out the door with something that may or may not have decent gas mileage or trunk space and then you spend the next however long realizing that something else would have fit you so much better. But at least it's pretty on the outside, right? And it seemed like a good idea at the time because of the adrenaline rush of actually purchasing something that's just yours. What kills me more is the people who have had failed major relationships including marriages and have no issue jumping right back in. Someone failed to learn their valuable lesson here. Maybe my standards are impossibly high. The fact that I've only met about 4 people in the last 10 years that even come close to good enough might evidence this but I dare you to tell me that I need to lower them. I've had enough experience to know exactly what I do and don't need in a partner and I'm not afraid to wait for it. I may not LIKE waiting for it, but I'll do it anyway. I grew up in a war zone and I refuse to reconstruct that for my future. Obviously I am slightly annoyed at this point but I just have trouble understanding what everyone else is thinking.
There has been alot of relationship-type news this week from all fronts and most of it makes me want to scream, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE?" Are we so fundamentally opposed to being alone that we marry in haste, or deal with crazy people, or get married at 19, or any number of stupid things I've heard this week. What is so wrong with solitude?? Not saying I've got it all together or that I do everything right, but with the wealth of bad examples around me I don't see any reason not to be absolutely cautious before jumping into something with another human being who is just as flawed and full of issues as I am. And no matter what our emotions say, love is not enough. I've loved a number of people in my life that I would not be able to stand on a daily basis. Really LIKING someone is key, also getting to know them well enough that you figure out their flaws and decide whether or not they're flaws you want to deal with is helpful. Everyone has them, and we all have different things that we will and will not handle. I'd rather not do all this figuring out after the fact. More important is knowing myself. If I don't know myself and my good and bad points, what I like and don't like, how on earth will I be able to accurately assess a decent partner. It's like walking into a car dealership with no idea what you want or need. 5 hours later and you're walking out the door with something that may or may not have decent gas mileage or trunk space and then you spend the next however long realizing that something else would have fit you so much better. But at least it's pretty on the outside, right? And it seemed like a good idea at the time because of the adrenaline rush of actually purchasing something that's just yours. What kills me more is the people who have had failed major relationships including marriages and have no issue jumping right back in. Someone failed to learn their valuable lesson here. Maybe my standards are impossibly high. The fact that I've only met about 4 people in the last 10 years that even come close to good enough might evidence this but I dare you to tell me that I need to lower them. I've had enough experience to know exactly what I do and don't need in a partner and I'm not afraid to wait for it. I may not LIKE waiting for it, but I'll do it anyway. I grew up in a war zone and I refuse to reconstruct that for my future. Obviously I am slightly annoyed at this point but I just have trouble understanding what everyone else is thinking.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
'This time next year you will wonder what on earth you'd been so worried about'
I have been home from Paris for about 6 weeks now. The summer is flying by and before I can even blink I will be back to the daily class grind. Maybe because I was in Paris I didn't notice the warning signs of the coming avalanche that is now my life. I'm sure there were little trickles of shale, a golf ball sized rock or two, along with a couple of tremors but no inkling of the massive build up of just life that has swept me off my feet. I've done alot of life experimenting now that I'm back to my real life. I wanted to keep up the momentum of experiences that was set in motion in Paris. There was no reason to just sit on my couch and do nothing just because I'm at home. I think I've managed fairly well. Los Angeles has so much to offer if you just venture out into it. I've had some amazing random nights out in West Hollywood where it's a normal evening for people to be standing on the street corner handing out free hugs, and you never know who you might run into. In addition there has been alot of Pool Party USA time with my girls. The making of essential new friends. A hilarious night of shooting music videos with puppets. BBQs and Taco Tuesdays. A first Ethiopian food experience. Drinks and music and dancing. Visits from long lost friends that will always be near and dear no matter how long it's been. The most amazing kiss of my life to date. A much needed mystical encounter. Nights of insomnia where, for once, it was me making the 2am phone call to someone else. Plenty of nights where I was receiving the 2am hysterical phone call. And there have been sunsets...exquisite moments of stillness and beauty. There is just so much going on and everything has such a momentum to it that I feel like one of the kids when Rob or Walker would take their hands and spin them around in the backyard. I am suspended in the air, secured only by the grip of those around me, and the world is rushing past me. Of course I am laughing, loving every minute, but I am dizzy all the same. Dizzy, and overwhelmed. There seems like too much all at once and I'm trying my best not to be afraid.
Last summer on my birthday I had a vision of the woman I wanted to be. She was confident, secure, classy, with perfect hair, and a really fantastic pair of shoes. At that point I had no idea how I would ever get there because it doesn't take a genius to realize that you can dress up every single day and that doesn't buy you class or sophistication. It's like there was this giant black abyss between who I was and who I saw myself becoming, and what's worse is that I had no idea how to even go about getting there. Little did I know that a little time and faith, and life will lead you where you need to go, it provides the way. I am not there yet, but I feel like that dark divide is getting smaller and smaller until one day I will just be there. I correct myself, because I don't feel that it is smaller, I KNOW that it is. I had no idea the 'becoming' would be so painful. It's crazy the people who end up teaching you things and even crazier when a 9 year old and a 4 year old can bring your past and your future crashing together without even being aware of what's happening. I feel like I am on the brink of getting everything I ever wanted in life and that adds a new scary dimension of "well now what?" It's easy to want, you know where you stand, it doesn't require much of you, and more than anything it's safe. I like being safe, but I like expanding more. If you aren't living most of your moments scared out of your mind then you're not living up to your potential. Leaving room for possibilities leaves room for the universe/God to bring in more amazing things than we were even able to imagine existed.
I have been struggling because my heart is a willful child who does what it wants without consulting me. It doesn't listen when I tell it to stop running so fast or to put down the scissors or to stop talking to strangers. But the point is that it doesn't need to listen to my silly head. A head filled with doubts and the opinions of those around me. It only amplifies the fears that are collected from a lifetime of heartbreaks and disappointments and the little voice on your shoulder that tells you to be careful, you don't want to be stupid AGAIN, you don't want to be heartbroken AGAIN, you can't trust that ridiculous child, give it any leeway and it'll jump you off a cliff. I finally realized this morning that I'd been listening to my head too much and I've been angry with my heart for all the times I feel it's led me astray. Angry that it could even consider doing the same thing to me again. All the times I've loved someone and it didn't work out or was unrequited, or felt secure in some circumstance and it changed. What it's taken me all this time to realize is that my heart is the only thing that I can trust, the only thing that makes any sense when there are so many words and details I can get bogged down analyzing. The people I have loved in my life have all led me to where I am now. I've been thinking I need to battle myself and my emotions, squash them, manage them, put them in a box so they can't torture me at night. I have been thinking so wrong. Perfect love is freeing for both the party doing the loving and the object of that love, whether it be a friend, or whoever. It means that you love them enough to want them to be happy, even if its not with you, or them not doing what you think they should. This love creates a fullness and a healing for the person doing the loving. Obsession is the antithesis of this, it's selfish and restricting and usually mistaken for love. The right kind of love allows for a release in both parties and whether that love comes around to meet yours or not it won't even matter because of what's been gained by simply allowing it to just be. I have been instructed by so many to figure out how I feel, to put a label on it, and up until this point I have been at a loss and I couldn't understand why. I realize now that it's because I've been cripplingly obsessed out of fear for myself and the outcome. I can now accept that what I feel is love because I've risen above all that and truly let go. Release of the stranglehold on something that refuses to be held brings such peace. There is no need to be afraid, as Rilke says, "life is in the right, always." It may bring us what we want, but if it doesn't it will bring us more, and it will be sweeter than our sweetest dream.
This life is difficult and rocky, but that's why we have people around us to hold our hands and break our fall...to pick us up, crying, off the floor when putting a beautiful little boy to bed touches a soft spot of emotion so deep we didn't even realize we had it in us. Life demolishes and rebuilds, and yes, it hurts, but the end result will be truly amazing. It's all about faith after-all. Faith that life knows what it's doing. Because it does.
Last summer on my birthday I had a vision of the woman I wanted to be. She was confident, secure, classy, with perfect hair, and a really fantastic pair of shoes. At that point I had no idea how I would ever get there because it doesn't take a genius to realize that you can dress up every single day and that doesn't buy you class or sophistication. It's like there was this giant black abyss between who I was and who I saw myself becoming, and what's worse is that I had no idea how to even go about getting there. Little did I know that a little time and faith, and life will lead you where you need to go, it provides the way. I am not there yet, but I feel like that dark divide is getting smaller and smaller until one day I will just be there. I correct myself, because I don't feel that it is smaller, I KNOW that it is. I had no idea the 'becoming' would be so painful. It's crazy the people who end up teaching you things and even crazier when a 9 year old and a 4 year old can bring your past and your future crashing together without even being aware of what's happening. I feel like I am on the brink of getting everything I ever wanted in life and that adds a new scary dimension of "well now what?" It's easy to want, you know where you stand, it doesn't require much of you, and more than anything it's safe. I like being safe, but I like expanding more. If you aren't living most of your moments scared out of your mind then you're not living up to your potential. Leaving room for possibilities leaves room for the universe/God to bring in more amazing things than we were even able to imagine existed.
I have been struggling because my heart is a willful child who does what it wants without consulting me. It doesn't listen when I tell it to stop running so fast or to put down the scissors or to stop talking to strangers. But the point is that it doesn't need to listen to my silly head. A head filled with doubts and the opinions of those around me. It only amplifies the fears that are collected from a lifetime of heartbreaks and disappointments and the little voice on your shoulder that tells you to be careful, you don't want to be stupid AGAIN, you don't want to be heartbroken AGAIN, you can't trust that ridiculous child, give it any leeway and it'll jump you off a cliff. I finally realized this morning that I'd been listening to my head too much and I've been angry with my heart for all the times I feel it's led me astray. Angry that it could even consider doing the same thing to me again. All the times I've loved someone and it didn't work out or was unrequited, or felt secure in some circumstance and it changed. What it's taken me all this time to realize is that my heart is the only thing that I can trust, the only thing that makes any sense when there are so many words and details I can get bogged down analyzing. The people I have loved in my life have all led me to where I am now. I've been thinking I need to battle myself and my emotions, squash them, manage them, put them in a box so they can't torture me at night. I have been thinking so wrong. Perfect love is freeing for both the party doing the loving and the object of that love, whether it be a friend, or whoever. It means that you love them enough to want them to be happy, even if its not with you, or them not doing what you think they should. This love creates a fullness and a healing for the person doing the loving. Obsession is the antithesis of this, it's selfish and restricting and usually mistaken for love. The right kind of love allows for a release in both parties and whether that love comes around to meet yours or not it won't even matter because of what's been gained by simply allowing it to just be. I have been instructed by so many to figure out how I feel, to put a label on it, and up until this point I have been at a loss and I couldn't understand why. I realize now that it's because I've been cripplingly obsessed out of fear for myself and the outcome. I can now accept that what I feel is love because I've risen above all that and truly let go. Release of the stranglehold on something that refuses to be held brings such peace. There is no need to be afraid, as Rilke says, "life is in the right, always." It may bring us what we want, but if it doesn't it will bring us more, and it will be sweeter than our sweetest dream.
This life is difficult and rocky, but that's why we have people around us to hold our hands and break our fall...to pick us up, crying, off the floor when putting a beautiful little boy to bed touches a soft spot of emotion so deep we didn't even realize we had it in us. Life demolishes and rebuilds, and yes, it hurts, but the end result will be truly amazing. It's all about faith after-all. Faith that life knows what it's doing. Because it does.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
2 Euro Rhum with a Monoprix Cider Chaser. Yuck.
Since I'm writing these after the fact its hard to be linear so I'm going by the pictures in my camera, which can be limited.
The next day was spent in recovery. I don't believe I made it to school, which is great since I only missed 2 classes the whole time I was there anyway. That night we had a group activity in the form of the Musee D'Orsay, my favorite museum in Paris. This one houses all of the Van Gogh, Monet, Maney, Renoir stuff. I wandered around with Lauren and Emma for a bit and then lost them as I took the express escalators up to the best rooms at the top. I managed to find the outdoor balcony where I had an even better time taking a hysterical call from Shannon while feeling really bad that I was having a fantastic time. Even worse I was observing the Left Bank on a gloriously sunshiney day from the roof of an old train station where there are quadruple-life-sized statues looking out over the city. Paris is so beautiful it could heal anyone's soul. I listened to her freak out as I gazed over at Sacre Coeur, the highest point in Paris, as my eyes wandered down the streets of the Marais, as I watched the water of the Seine rush under the ornate bridges. I felt like a terrible person. Anyway, I got the summons that the girls were ready to go so I met them at the exit.
Our next fun excursion was more Seine! Of course. Julie and I got ready for another night out and met Emma and Lauren over in the Latin Quarter for dinner. We chose Le Menhir, which I'd eaten at on another trip to Paris. The guy was super sketchy because he enticed us in with a 10 euro set price menu but didn't want to give it to us when we sat down. Jerk. I ended up striking up a conversation with the couple sitting practically in our laps next to us because every time he said the word 'Yankee' I wanted to strangle him. They ended up being a very nice couple from Georgia or something. We decided not to go back to the house to get wine but ran into the small issue of not having a corkscrew and not wanting to pay for a new one. Oh, we of little faith in how easy the French make it to laze on the Seine with an open bottle. We stopped in at the Monoprix on St. Michel Blvd and found carafe shaped bottles with pull tab tops much to our delight. They also had Monoprix brand cider for under 2 euro, and better yet, something called Rhum for 2 euro that looked like the kind of bottle that usually comes with a brown bag and a bum attached to it. We bought it of course, and then briefly stopped in next door to beg some plastic cups at Starbucks as we were trying for a classier sort of evening. Pleased with our purchases AND our free cups, we head down to a different part of the Seine, possibly on the Ile St. Louis...I'm not entirely sure. The draw of this spot is that its smack in the middle of the Seine on an island point that juts out into the water. We plopped ourselves down in the crowd and immediately Lauren knocks our cups down the embankment onto a ledge by the water. Curses! Back to swigging out of the bottle. As is the norm now some guy comes up to us and tries to speak French with us. Lauren is more than happy to accommodate but when the conversation goes silent and awkward he just wouldn't go away. We finally had to have Julie tell him that 'NO, our alcohol is for us, he has to go get his own,' and that got rid of him. She's pleasantly mean like that...we like it. It was rather cold out so we opted to move up the steps and into the grassy park. Small problem...grassy park was gated off. Clearly that hadn't stopped the hundred other people who'd hopped over the fence to get in so, as they say, when in Rome...err...Paris... We hopped the fence and plopped on the grass. Another two random boys came up to us who spoke decent english. They were very charming and invited us to go hang out with their group. We might have but once again I had to pee so we made our exit. Finding bathrooms in Paris is REALLY hard, hence this problem that keeps popping up. Funny, but we find ourselves at peeing boy bathroom again. Emma and Lauren decide to head home but Julie and I aren't ready to call it a night. We head towards Rue de la Huchette stopping on the way for the most delicious pizza ever. The crust was like biting into a cloud....really. We decide to try a bar on the left that looks promising. There are alot of fun lights, random conga lines, and 'No-stripper' signs posted on the walls. Great! Drinks are expensive so we only get one and then head out. Randomly these two younger people come up to us and start talking to us. They recommend the bar across the street from where we've been because of the salsa dancing. We're tired but we decide to check it out anyway. As we're walking in they tell us that they'll be closing in 20 minutes so we say okay and continue to look around. Another bouncer tells us that we need to buy a drink or leave so we say okay, we'll leave. As we're walking out the door Julie gets shoved from behind right out of the place by security. We couldn't believe it. Needless to say, although I love staying on Huchette, I will never frequent a bar there again since 3 out of the 3 that we've visited have been terrible. Tired we start the walk home only to be stopped by another weirdo. This is no surprise since Paris has an endless supply and in my weariness I could have sworn he was the exact same fellow who wouldn't leave us alone on the island.
The next day was spent in recovery. I don't believe I made it to school, which is great since I only missed 2 classes the whole time I was there anyway. That night we had a group activity in the form of the Musee D'Orsay, my favorite museum in Paris. This one houses all of the Van Gogh, Monet, Maney, Renoir stuff. I wandered around with Lauren and Emma for a bit and then lost them as I took the express escalators up to the best rooms at the top. I managed to find the outdoor balcony where I had an even better time taking a hysterical call from Shannon while feeling really bad that I was having a fantastic time. Even worse I was observing the Left Bank on a gloriously sunshiney day from the roof of an old train station where there are quadruple-life-sized statues looking out over the city. Paris is so beautiful it could heal anyone's soul. I listened to her freak out as I gazed over at Sacre Coeur, the highest point in Paris, as my eyes wandered down the streets of the Marais, as I watched the water of the Seine rush under the ornate bridges. I felt like a terrible person. Anyway, I got the summons that the girls were ready to go so I met them at the exit.
Our next fun excursion was more Seine! Of course. Julie and I got ready for another night out and met Emma and Lauren over in the Latin Quarter for dinner. We chose Le Menhir, which I'd eaten at on another trip to Paris. The guy was super sketchy because he enticed us in with a 10 euro set price menu but didn't want to give it to us when we sat down. Jerk. I ended up striking up a conversation with the couple sitting practically in our laps next to us because every time he said the word 'Yankee' I wanted to strangle him. They ended up being a very nice couple from Georgia or something. We decided not to go back to the house to get wine but ran into the small issue of not having a corkscrew and not wanting to pay for a new one. Oh, we of little faith in how easy the French make it to laze on the Seine with an open bottle. We stopped in at the Monoprix on St. Michel Blvd and found carafe shaped bottles with pull tab tops much to our delight. They also had Monoprix brand cider for under 2 euro, and better yet, something called Rhum for 2 euro that looked like the kind of bottle that usually comes with a brown bag and a bum attached to it. We bought it of course, and then briefly stopped in next door to beg some plastic cups at Starbucks as we were trying for a classier sort of evening. Pleased with our purchases AND our free cups, we head down to a different part of the Seine, possibly on the Ile St. Louis...I'm not entirely sure. The draw of this spot is that its smack in the middle of the Seine on an island point that juts out into the water. We plopped ourselves down in the crowd and immediately Lauren knocks our cups down the embankment onto a ledge by the water. Curses! Back to swigging out of the bottle. As is the norm now some guy comes up to us and tries to speak French with us. Lauren is more than happy to accommodate but when the conversation goes silent and awkward he just wouldn't go away. We finally had to have Julie tell him that 'NO, our alcohol is for us, he has to go get his own,' and that got rid of him. She's pleasantly mean like that...we like it. It was rather cold out so we opted to move up the steps and into the grassy park. Small problem...grassy park was gated off. Clearly that hadn't stopped the hundred other people who'd hopped over the fence to get in so, as they say, when in Rome...err...Paris... We hopped the fence and plopped on the grass. Another two random boys came up to us who spoke decent english. They were very charming and invited us to go hang out with their group. We might have but once again I had to pee so we made our exit. Finding bathrooms in Paris is REALLY hard, hence this problem that keeps popping up. Funny, but we find ourselves at peeing boy bathroom again. Emma and Lauren decide to head home but Julie and I aren't ready to call it a night. We head towards Rue de la Huchette stopping on the way for the most delicious pizza ever. The crust was like biting into a cloud....really. We decide to try a bar on the left that looks promising. There are alot of fun lights, random conga lines, and 'No-stripper' signs posted on the walls. Great! Drinks are expensive so we only get one and then head out. Randomly these two younger people come up to us and start talking to us. They recommend the bar across the street from where we've been because of the salsa dancing. We're tired but we decide to check it out anyway. As we're walking in they tell us that they'll be closing in 20 minutes so we say okay and continue to look around. Another bouncer tells us that we need to buy a drink or leave so we say okay, we'll leave. As we're walking out the door Julie gets shoved from behind right out of the place by security. We couldn't believe it. Needless to say, although I love staying on Huchette, I will never frequent a bar there again since 3 out of the 3 that we've visited have been terrible. Tired we start the walk home only to be stopped by another weirdo. This is no surprise since Paris has an endless supply and in my weariness I could have sworn he was the exact same fellow who wouldn't leave us alone on the island.
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