Shoe drama

It's late, considering that I have to work another 8 hour shift in retail hell in about just as many hours. I haven't written in awhile though and I feel I must. I just got off the phone with zappos.com, from whom I bought a lovely pair of shoes for my next few trips. I checked the status because they upgraded my shipping for free and I wanted to know when to expect them. According to the site they were delivered, per UPS, this morning! Yay! No yay. I checked all 8 of my apartment building doors and no box. I then realize that they've shipped it to my old address because of a billing address snafu and an auto-check box mishap. SO IRRITATING! So it being only a mile away and all I get into my car and do a drive-by of my old house...the whole time praying that the new people are out of town. No such luck. Yes, I have no problem hopping in my car at midnight to stalk a pair of shoes at my old house. It's all been worked out but what a pain.

I leave for DC on Thursday morning. I'm looking forward to visiting Shannon. I've been rushed with all the holiday activities and now a solid work schedule. I was part of the Brown family Christmas activities this year since I couldn't go see my family. Julia and I went down for their Hanukkah celebration on Saturday. They moved it to that day just for me. I was disappointed that there were no bacon-wrapped little smokies this time. Yes, you read that right, Hanukkah and bacon-wrapped sausages...they're not very traditional. We did have latkes and brisket. After about my 25th latke I was near death...but I had...to...have...just...one...more. The argument over whether they were better with sour cream or apple sauce was fierce, but I was outvoted and the applesauce won. I graduated from child to adult and am now allowed to call Mr. Brown, Richard, but that freaks me out so I might just stick with Sir. I also spent Christmas down in the OC with them and we ate a lovely dinner at TGI Friday's with the worst server ever, and went to see the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It was a little long but I think that it is worth another viewing or two. It was beautifully dont but it made me panicky about the brevity of life, as if I needed any help with that. I was always the child who dreamed about it being the last day of camp on the first day of camp. My anxiety about my youth or beautiful moments being over never gives me much rest. I also have some sort of odd disbelief that I will ever be old. I somehow felt that if I simply will it to be so, I will never get old and wrinkly. This all changed when I started examining my hands and thought, "Wait, were those...those weren't there before!?!" Age spots! Light brown, hardly noticeable but age spots all the same. I've now started putting sunscreen on my exposed arms and hands. Sadly it's a battle I'll inevitably lose. Maybe by the time I'm old they'll have a treatment for excessive wrinkles that is a little less barbaric and disgusting than face lifts and botox. Or maybe we should spend less money on research for such shallow things and put all the time and energy towards a cure for childhood cancer, or asthma or whatever. I have asthma and nothing else matters when you can't breathe. Hmm, I think there's a commercial that used to say that. Either way, it's very true. And for those of you who have no concept of what having asthma is like. Try the demonstration I used for a speech I did once. Go fetch yourself a couple of those teeny tiny coffee straws. Now try to breathe strictly on the air that you can suck through them. Picture it even worse if you've walked fast or been jogging and your heart rate is up. No fun.

Anyway I am pms-y so everything is a little more dramatic and worse than it would be normally. In reality everything is fine, shoes and work aside. I didn't get financial aid for study abroad. But the amazing part is that after saying a few prayers of thanks for giving me what I needed not what I wanted (the financial aid lady was super helpful getting me lower cost loans), it wasn't one hour later that my friend Lauren called to tell me that a certain other bit of money was available for me and it will more than cover my study abroad and some debts that I have....for free. I was trying to get God to help me get a 6,000 dollar loan approved and 9,000 dollars was provided instead. It seems the older I get or the more in tune I am with myself and/or the universe, the easier it is to have faith and watch the pieces of life fall into place. This is of course when you're headed in the right direction. It's almost as if I can feel the cogs turns slowly into place so that not only what I need but also the things I most desire shift towards me and fall into my lap. I am incredibly grateful for how everything has been provided and not just my basic needs but the most amazing wishes are coming my way. I've always dreamed of living in Paris and now I get to for over a month. Time to wander by myself, to visit markets...I didn't NEED to go really. I could have somehow managed getting into graduate school without it, but it happened.
I doubt I will have time to write again before the New Year, so to anyone reading this I hope you make resolutions and remain resolute in fulfilling them. Your main resolution should be to live your most amazing life and I hope that everyone I love fulfills their greatest potential. Shannon and I are sending to each other a list of 'I wills.' It can be as long or as short as you want but I truly believe that words have power. Speak what you want, speak it often, write it down, doodle it on a notebook...just put it out into the universe because you will never get what you want without asking for it. My church has podcasts and I was listening to a story I'd heard plenty of times before from the Bible but Erwin's take on it was really interesting. It's the story of Jesus healing the blind man. In it the blind man comes up to Jesus and Jesus asks him, "What do you want?" Well, Him being God and all shouldn't he have already known? And God or not it's kind of obvious that the blind man isn't going to ask a known healer for a new cane or better hearing to make up for his lack of eyesight. NO! He's going to ask to see. The purpose of Jesus asking him what he wanted was because there is power in asking for what you desire. Because nothing can be given to you without you asking for it first. This is why we must be careful what we ask for and also not ask for so little that we shortchange ourselves. What if God wanted to make us an Olympic champion but we only pray, "God, it'd be really nice if I could get good enough to win the state championship." Dream big, ask big. My 'I will' list includes things that may or may not be in my control but that I want to see happen. 'I will' has more power than 'I wish' or 'I would like.' So go ahead, make your 'I will' list and share it with somebody. Go crazy.

I love Africa/Paris/Ireland in the Springtime...

Greetings from a rainy, freezing Los Angeles. It got really cold really fast and of course I procrastinated until it was impossible to get an appt to get my pilot light lit. Forget the gas company. My mamma didn't raise an idiot so I decided to do it myself. I had a healthy fear of blowing myself up but if I went at least it'd be quick right? So I did some research online, thank goodness for the internet, and I found complete instructions on quite a few different pages. Unfortunately it wasn't working so I looked some more. Some genius of a girl had filmed the gas guy turning hers on and her heater was exactly like mine! In a matter of 30 seconds I had mine lit and I'm now toasty and warm in my apartment. This is an improvement over sleeping in a hoodie with the hood up and tied tight, two pairs of socks, sweatpants, under three heavy blankets like I did last night.

I have fun news. I'm crazy (and no, that's not the news, you knew that already) but my goal has been to see all 6 (ice sheets don't count) continents by the time I was 30. I had mentioned visiting my Aunt and Uncle in Swaziland a few years back but it never seemed right. Shannon was due to come out to Los Angeles in May so I had a brainstorm and decided to check on airline tickets. They were super reasonable so after careful thought and planning we decided to go and booked tickets. Hurray for Africa! This means I only have South America, which is planned for early 2010, and Australia/New Zealand, which are yet to be scheduled. I will be going for a week and a half and then I tentatively ditch my flight in London, take the chunnel to Paris, and do 4 weeks there for study abroad. I'm crossing my fingers that I get into the program I'm applying to.

I bought a Ped Egg tonight! What is a Ped Egg you say? It's this egg shaped thing that's essentially a cheese-grater for your hooves. It magically turns them back into feet by shaving off all the nasty dead skin. I tried it the minute I got home because my feet get gross, I don't know why, and I haven't had a real pedicure in awhile. I didn't think it took off much until I opened it up and exclaimed, "Yuck!!" in horror at the half inch of dead skin inside. Ugh I'm still grossed out. My point though, is that it works, and it's fabulous, and for $10 everyone should get one. It could be your Christmas present from me this year so watch out!

Amy, Joey, and I got alcohol and pizza tonight for a No More School Party. I haven't had a night of drinking and Phase 10 in awhile. Keep in mine I'm now a total lightweight and three drinks was my max. So sad, in a good way.

Bad spellers of the world, untie!

Here's a sneak preview of the Christmas photo cards I'm sending out. Obviously the pictures on it will be different as this is a castoff. If you want one and haven't sent me your address yet, please do so. Thanks to Joey and myself for the fabulous photography. I forgot to post fun Thanksgiving photos, but I'll do that next time since they aren't uploaded yet.

I just recently heard someone say that guilt is a useless emotion. That is so true. I skipped classes today because I got sick last night and only slept for like 2 hours. I missed my alarm so I missed the one class I needed to be at. After that I just decided to stay home. Thank goodness my first class doesn't start until 12:30 next semester. Someone had left the E! channel on (Joey!) and I ended up watching episode after episode of E! True Hollywood Story. Luckily they were on Ellen and Reese Witherspoon. I was typing up pages of my screenplay while I watched so all was not lost. Oh, my point was that I feel so guilty about skipping. It's MY education and MY grades after all. I've got tentative A's in all my classes, or at worst, 2 are borderline B's. My guilt is why I never called into work or missed a day of high school. I only have one official day of classes left. I have alot to do for finals but I keep pushing it off. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get the bulk of reading out of the way. But seriously, say 'no' to guilt.

I had a 'come-to-Jesus' with myself yesterday...technically Wednesday, as it's now late. If you'll remember, my mood was in a terrible slump. I knew that the only cure for that was what I've been talking about doing since Shannon left...you know...actually getting off my ass and doing some activity that does not involve wearing a groove in the floor between the couch and the kitchen. Anyway, I woke up later than I'd set my alarm for and I kept going back and forth in my head about going to Laurel Canyon for a hike. I washed the dishes, I showered, I shaved my legs, I texted Amy to see if she wanted to go, I walked the dogs. Finally I got dressed in my tennis shoes and workout clothes and went. I thought the initial hill would kill me since it's been months since I've been active. My breathing has also been bad because I've run out of my normal inhalers. I was happily surprised that I only had to stop once to take my inhaler. It took me a bit longer than normal to go up and back but I did it. All by myself, for the first time ever. I felt amazing all day, and I was really productive. Of course today Granny needs two new hips and possibly a new shin or two but that will pass. I have never once kept up an exercise routine all on my own. I always had someone else wake me up and make me go for the most part. It's just once and my goal is 4 to 5 times a week, but it's a start.

I had a really great talk with Joey today. She stopped by unexpectedly and I was home unexpectedly but it was perfect. I've been stressing out about my writing because the story, although in fiction form, has very detailed conversations and events that actually happened. The story is very personal, as it's my own story, and I'm nervous to have people read it. She had alot of good things to say about being brave. I should be glad that it scares me, we don't grow by doing things that make us feel comfortable. We also discussed the topic of dreams/goals. Tam got a fortune cookie one time that said, "What if you COULD get everything you ever wanted?" or something like that. It's definitely something to think about. Which is more scary: getting all your wildest dreams or not getting them? I remember when I first moved to L.A. and I went on an interview to be Christina Aguilera's personal assistant on her tour. I was driving home when it hit me that all it would take is one 'yes' from the person hiring and all of a sudden I would be on the doorstep to everything I had ever wanted. I remember having to pull over because I was crying so hard. The funny part is, I wasn't crying out of happiness, or sadness that I might not get it, but out of sheer terror that it might actually happen. We all get so used to wanting, whatever it might be that we want, that the wanting almost becomes like a drug. If someone wanted to hand us all of our hearts desires would we turn and walk away? I don't want wanting to be enough. I want to get there and then see what's beyond. There are certain things I've wanted so long, such as being a healthy weight, having an amazing boyfriend, writing a book, finishing college, etc, etc, that they all feel almost so unattainable they're of mythic proportions. I know that they COULD happen but my faith that they will happen is more up there with the idea that Prince William will fall madly in love with me and I become a princess. Sure it's something you think about (at least I used to before Harry became the hot one), but what are the odds. Those things shouldn't be in that category. Most of those are up to me and how much self-discipline I have. Well...everything but the boyfriend, and I am actually in college finishing. However, I don't want to turn 28 this next year and still be self-medicating myself into complacency with TV, computer games, and everything else I let myself get distracted by because it's easier.
PS. Went to see Twilight finally. Julia and I giggled insanely through the whole mess as did the other 4 people in the theatre with us. Twilight is the least interesting of all four books so in a way I'm glad they're doing the other ones. I tell you, if I had to see one more tortured, struggling look from Edward or another awkward roll in the grass with both of them I might have poked my own eyes out. It WAS pretty funny because both Edward and Jasper looked less like they were struggling not to kill somone and more like they were trying desperately not to vomit. It didn't help that evertime it happened Julia kept whispering, "I'm going to be sick, I'm going to be SICK!" I think it would be awesome to have a silent showing where the audience just yells out their own dialogue. It would be high-larious!

Death of a Bicycleman

Finally, the Christmas tree picture. Happy after-Thanksgiving! I hope everyone had as nice a one as we did here. Julia hosted our dinner for 10 in her swanky new downtown loft. The table was large enough for all of us AND all the food we cooked. We started the morning out with the usual Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf tradition courtesy of Amy and Joey. I got a 19lb turkey to cook, my biggest one ever. I was, of course, in my element acting as master of the kitchen. It's a delicious sort of symphony, putting dishes in the oven, pulling dishes out, while making gravy from scratch. I loved every minute. Not that I did everything, we had some great contributions from everybody that really rounded out the day. We also had some unexpected guests that I was so happy to see. It was a really great day.

Naturally my semi bi-polar self, after having such a lovely day, had to drop back down to the depths. The last two days have been shamefully sad and hopeless for no discernible reason. To top off the general angst, I have a traumatizing story to tell. Today as I was driving to work I had an incident with a bicycler. It had to happen someday, what with all the retards of L.A. either riding a bicycle or stepping without looking into a barely marked crosswalk. Those people must think they have some sort of force field surrounding them that makes them impervious to 2,000lb vehicles driving 50 miles an hour....they can stop them with sheer will power you see. Normally I take this into account and watch so carefully, but you can't see whats behind you. I don't really know what happened. All I heard was a bunch of cursing and shouting. I thought I'd run over a cone or something and the parking guy was yelling at me. Turns out there was a man down on a bicycle. He must have hit me or, I him, when I was turning right into the parking lot. And just in case the LAPD runs across this blog, I stopped, checked with him to make sure he was ok, offered to call someone, and he just continued to yell at me and then walked away. The last person I should call when something like this happens is my mother. Who, bless her heart (that was for you Shan), has the best of intentions towards helping me out, but usually just ends up making me more upset. I called Shannon first, and the douche didn't answer, of course. I was freaked out and upset so I called mom. By the time I got off the phone I fully expected that there was a Sheriff's Posse, air support, and most of LAPD out in force looking for the rogue bicycle maimer that left the scene of the crime. I stopped by our security office, they let me know that there was nothing to be done. However, by the time I got to my bosses office they simply had to ask me if I was okay before I proceeded to burst into hysterical tears. They were really nice about it but I hate crying at work. It's such a girl thing to do. Anyway, by the time I left tonight I was ready to crawl into a hole and never emerge again. Luckily today is Julia's birthday so I was required by the People-who-have-been-friends-for Over-10-Years Codebook to suck it up and go out. I'm very glad that I did because I feel moderately more sane. It's always good to be the one who's friends are almost all older than her.

In other news, I've been watching Alias non-stop. I HIGHLY recommend the show, against my wishes I totally love it. Amy has 4 seasons on DVD and I'm up to Season 3. And, if I haven't mentioned it yet. GO SEE ROCKNROLLA! I'm not kidding. It's been out awhile so it might be out of theatres near you but you can put it on your Netflix now. As for me, it's purchase-worthy, which says alot. FYI, 60 pages in on the screenplay. It's not like I haven't been doing stuff, like school, work, and writing, yet I still feel like a lazy-ass. Maybe I'm too hard on myself.

Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fuuuuuuuuur

I have a complaint. And since I'm not stick thin, I feel I have a right to say something. The current issue: skinny jeans. Regardless of the fact that they are a horrible fashion trend, it's made even worse by the people who choose to wear them and shouldn't: Namely guys and overweight girls. I couldn't help but notice the bombardment of pudgy females sporting skinny jeans that were at least 2 sizes smaller than they should have been even for jeans labeled 'skinny.' So I can't help but wonder if those girls were mislead into thinking that skinny jeans make your size 16 ass look like a size 6. Au contrare, mes amis. Skinny jeans mean 'for skinny people only.' You know, kind of like Apple Bottom jeans shouldn't be worn by the white chick in Adam Sandler's song 'I like small butts.' There is nothing sexy about handfuls of flab flowering out from over you waistband and below your too short shirt. Plus, they all look like some horrifying human version of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. I'm plenty aware that I'm not nice, but someone should tell them. Do they not have any friends? I'll also choose to not even mention that guys should never EVER put them on. Alright, I've had my say.

Good news. I'm hacking away at my screenplay. I have now run out of sample pages on the demo version of Final Draft. and I'm wishing that there was anyway around paying $150 or so for the full version. This is a great segway into my next topic. My friend Joey just joined SAG and they have these great seminars and 'conversations' that members and a guest can attend for free. For instance they just had the cast of ER. I believe you sign up, get to be in the audience while they are asked questions by the audience or by some sort of moderator. I'm not quite sure so don't sue me if I'm wrong. Anyway, she invited me to go to the 'Business Plan for Actors' seminar on Monday night. I agreed to go thinking that it might be nice to do something out of the ordinary and also that Joey's just fun to hang out with in general. We made it down to the SAG building on Wilshire right on time and grabbed a couple seats. It was a packed house. I had so many interesting thoughts. First of all I was surprised at how not intimidated I was. I thought it would be packed with gorgeous people who were impossibly thin and talented. This was not the case. They were all very...normal. The talk was led by a working actor who also has an MBA and teaches at UCLA extension. He had alot of really good things to say about being of service and how that should be the main goal of your life. I have thought this for years. It was very interesting to hear how he incorporated it into achieving your goals as an actor. I don't feel like boring anyone further but if you're interested in specifics just give me a heads up. Anyway, the business plan was also very useful for getting anything done, including writing and marketing my screenplay.
Somehow the motivation to write has also led to motivation for other things. I got homework done, correspondence written, Netflix watched, and tons of other stuff. Shoot, I promised Christmas tree pictures. I'll get them, I swear.

Currently watching - Into the Mouth of Madness - sort of recommended if you have low standards
Currently reading - Moliere plays for FLIT - Highly recommended

Speed-dating with a Highway Patrolman

I hope everyone had a lovely Veteran's Day. I myself spent most of the weekend working but on Sunday night I left for Arizona. My cousin Kim lives in Phoenix, as do my grandparents and Aunt and Uncle part time. She just had her second baby so I thought I'd go visit while she was still on maternity leave. Her kids are very cute and we had a good, although short, visit. I wasn't expecting to see them but my grandparents got into AZ the same day I did so we got to have a visit. My Grammy seems to be failing a little more every time I see her and it makes me so sad. She gets so upset when we go. I stayed until Tuesday night and then headed back home. Fun little incident on the way back...
I stopped in Quartzsite which is right before the Cali border, to get gas and food. As I was pulling back onto the highway I noticed a State Trooper just chilling by the side of the road. As I glance in my rear view mirror he turns on his lights and gets on the road. I glance around and think, "Oh crap, I'm the only one out here." Seeing that I wasn't speeding I figured it had to be a light out or something. The trooper comes up to the drivers window, asks for my license, insurance, and registration, and then tells me my license plate light is out. How nice. He then asks me to step back to his squad car. Immediately I think, "What the hell?" I had just heard on the news about women getting pulled over by fake officers and I got a little scared. I walked back there and he shows me which light is out...as if I'm too stupid to figure out that the 'light above the license plate', is INDEED the light above the license plate. As he's filling out the ticket/work order warning, these are the things he asks me. (I make none of these up.) -So what were you doing in Arizona? -Did you grow up there? -No, Alaska, huh? What town? - What did you get at Carl's Jr.? (where I just stopped) -How WAS your crispy chicken sandwich? - How do you like your Jeep? - How's the gas mileage? - What do you do for work in CA?
Seriously? Listen, Buster, you're giving me a lame-o ticket, we're not speed dating here.
I have no idea what Mr. Over-achiever was trying to accomplish, but I guess you get bored sitting on a highway in the middle of nowhere for hours at a time. Anyway, I got home in record time after figuring out I've been taking a lame way all the times before.

Wednesday I had the unfortunate need to get two tires replaced. I hate going to places like that as a girl. They're just so weird about it. I got told I smelled nice, which maybe is why I got a discount, so I guess there's that. I had to do an emergency run to the Getty Museum because I left an assignment until the very last minute. It's a really nice museum with an amazing view of all of Los Angeles. Although sadly enough I'm still museum-burnt-out from this summer's Europe excursion.

Today I got out of my lab super early and stopped by Target to get a few last minute things for our Christmas tree decorating party that we had tonight. Obviously, my tree at my house. No one else is nutty enough to already have there's up. I did promise pictures and I will do so next time I write. So I was on my way home, and I thought for a minute and decided that I was so looking forward to the get together and that I was feeling something close to super happy. After I got home I had to clean out the storage space that's mine in the carport area, in order to get to the Christmas decorations bin. I remembered that I had been worried about a large box of stuffed animals that I'd put in there in January. I should have checked ages ago but I wasn't really concerned until just recently. Turns out my worst fears were realized and that a rat had nested in there at some point. I'm still incredibly freaked out by the thought and am traumatized because I went through it animal by animal and had to throw away some things I've had since I was a baby. It was disgusting. I hate rats. I think it's the book 1984, at the end, where they threaten to put rats in a box on top of someones stomach as a means of torture... that ruined me. We didn't have rats in Alaska to my knowledge. Anyway, my good mood deflated, whether because of that or something else. But again...there IS nothing wrong, I just can't stop the niggling feeling that there is. Maybe it's the weather. It seems whenever I smell the cold winter air it takes me back to last year at exactly this time when I really didn't like myself all that much. It was such a dark time and the residue of all of that remains. I guess I'm not sure how to make it go away, maybe it will when we reach this time next year and I can smell winter in the air without being taken back to a dozen shameful or embarrassing memories.

Regardless of rats and not being deliriously happy, the decorating was really fun. Amy, Julia, and Joey came over and we ordered pizza and watched Love Actually, which is the perfect holiday film. I actually ended up with more ornaments than I needed. This is surprising since my tree is HUGE. I mean it's really really large. 7.5ft tall and 4.5ft at the base. The angel's head doesn't quite reach the ceiling but it's close. It is, however, so incredibly beautiful. I am a sucker for Christmas, and Christmas trees are my undoing. Ever since I was little my favorite thing to do was sit in the dark with the tree lights on, listening to Christmas music. That this tree is all my own...well, it sounds lame but it feels like a tiny step towards actually being a grownup...or something like that. There are just enough ornaments that my mom gave me from when we were growing up, to make it all come together as truly mine. Now as long as my puppies don't eat the fake icicles off the tree, or any of the ornaments, we'll be all set.

Joy is a choice OR Happiness is optional

You know you're watching too much Gossip Girl when you take a picture at Disneyland and something like this runs through your head.

"Gossip Girl here...Spotted - The Big M on Main Street looking all too friendly with an unidentified blonde fairy. He's looking scrumdiddlyuptious in a purple, 'Willy Wonka'-style suit. But we can't help but wonder if Miss M would find her man as attractive if she knew what was going on behind her ears while she's across the way in Toon Town greeting her adoring fans.

You know you love me,

XO XO,

Gossip Girl"

Yes I know, sometimes I even worry myself a little. I'm just going to say that I have an active imagination and I'm a writer...everyone knows writer's are a little crazy.

Lately I've been pondering a couple of things: happiness vs. joy, and change in regards to age.

I have quite a bit of time every week to think like during drives to school, classes I hate, etc. When I was living in Florida I remember having moments where I'd just bubble over with happiness for no particular reason and even at the worst times I was really happy. But is joy the same thing as happiness? I looked them up...turns out 'happy' can have some really not-so-good connotations as well...such as being 'trigger-happy,' 'a punch-happy boxer,' and so on, giving us a feeling of too much of a good thing. No matter what, this doesn't solve my problem for why, with all the great things going on in my life right now I don't feel that overwhelming happiness. Not that I'm unhappy, really most of the time, I'm just smack in the middle at just 'OK.'

Once a long time ago when I was going through a really bad break-up I was seeing a counselor. And for those who know me, you know it was bad because normally I'd rather saw my own arm off that go anywhere near a counselor. (This is due to my parents scarring me for life. Note to future parents - when in counseling for your marriage, leave your kids out of it. You need the counseling, they don't.) Anyway, this guy was exactly what I needed at the time. When I explained to him that I just couldn't find my way out of the darkness, that there was no part of the me left who normally bounced back from any disappointment, any hurt, after just a couple of hours. My elastic was broken and I didn't see how I was ever going to be okay again. I explained a little about the relationship and he summed it up in one sentence what the problem was. Through all of it I had somehow let them steal my joy. I stopped crying and rambling, and sat to ponder what that meant exactly, and then I had a breakthrough. He was exactly right. Somehow I had wrapped myself up so completely in this other person that I forgot to keep all of who I was and just share. Everything I said or did was tied to their mood or their happiness. I spent all of me building them up only to find myself depleted and empty at the end of it. He promised me that now that I was aware after some time, it would come back to me again.

I would like to say that it was a short road, that it happened, like magic, when I moved away but it took a couple of years and alot of work. Until one day, I realized I was through it and that my joy was once again my own. Joy, happiness, contentment...what do they mean for us? No eye rolls, but the Bible talks about how when Paul, one of the disciples, was in prison and still managed to be 'joyful in all things.' You're in prison, dude, how in the world do you remain joyful during that. After much pondering I realized that joy has very little to do with our circumstances or we'd have very few times of real joy in our life what with traffic, gas prices, Bush, and so on. Joy is a choice, a state of mind that we choose to exist in even when things kind of suck. Joy is choosing to believe that whatever it is that this too shall pass, and to be one of those people that remains greatly unaffected by the 'weather' of everyday life. I have faith that in having held onto my joy that happiness will tag along behind it like an annoying little brother. Hmmmm...am I boring you yet?

Second topic - Change in regards to age.

In three more semesters I will finally have graduated with my BA but in less than two I will need to decide whether to get a job or fill out grad school applications. Most of the best schools for the programs I am interested in happen to be in Washington D.C., and luckily for me, Shannon lives there now so that's a huge draw. The problem is that the older I get the less pliable I am. Like playdough that's started to harden, I have a harder and harder time wanting to find a new comfort zone. I have taken a survey and I am not the only one that this is happening to!!! I used to feel that if I started running into people at the local grocery store it was time to move onto a new place. I have been in LA for over 5 years now and the idea of leaving a place I truly love doesn't excite me at all. Who is this person that I've become? Where is the girl that used to leave for the sake of leaving? Of course I have friends here that I love but I have just as many friends that live elsewhere, and school is temporary, I'm not particularly tied to my apartment, and on and on. Who knows...maybe I'll finish my screenplay or novel sooner than later and that will decide for me...you never know. In the meantime I'm going to visit Shannon in January. Actually visiting the place to see whether I like it or not might be helpful in making a decision.

PS. Christmas tree came! I'll post pictures once it's up and decorated.

Christmas Trees are people too

Shannon got a job offer last week...yay! I hadn't expected her to leave so soon but a little over a week later and she drives out tomorrow. I've been okay, then not okay, then okay again. She's been pretty much the same. It'll be good for both of us. As you can see, I'm kind of avoiding talking about it.

For those not suffering here in California, I'd just like to let you all know that it's still hot. Still summer. It's not fair! I'm ready for comfy sweatshirts and jeans on a chilly night. I'm ready to not use my air-conditioner anymore. I'm ready for rain, and marginally cleaner air. I am sneezing my head off worse than usual. Dear Mr. Weather, I hate your stinking guts....
In spite of the weather outside it's starting to feel very holidayish. We went to Disneyland for Shannon's last hurrah on Wednesday and they were all decorated for Halloween, and the Haunted Mansion was already switched over to the Nightmare Before Christmas settings, which run from now into the new year. I've decided I'm a real grown-up (sort of) and decided to buy a Christmas tree this year. I just purchased it via walmart.com and the free 'ship to store.' I am SO excited. I have a big front window to put it in and if you didn't know, there isn't anything I love more than Christmas...except for maybe my birthday. I don't normally get into all that sappy, cutesy housewares and decoration stuff but here comes Christmas and all of a sudden I find myself seriously contemplating that $35 baking pan for 8 mini bread loafs that have Christmas shaped indentations on the bottom for shaped bread. Adorable little christmas gift-shaped napkin rings, cake platters, punch bowls...it's bad news bears. Luckily a lack of funds has me restraining myself for the most part, but since I plan on spending quite a bit of time by myself I figure a nice tree of my very own will be just the thing to accompany a cup of hot coffee, and my 'N Sync Christmas album. YES, I just said 'N Sync....I LOVE that album. Shut it.
Also, none of this real tree crap. I bought a good old-fashioned fake tree, like the kind I grew up with. I have serious problems seeing all the poor little abandoned, DEAD trees, laying like carcasses all over the city once the holidays are done. They used to be loved, they used to be the beautiful centerpieces of people's time of joyful giving, now just forgotten about and dead. I would feel guilt, more guilt than I could handle. I have a real problem with giving inanimate objects thoughts and feelings. Imagine me with my dolls and stuffed animals as a child. I could never throw them around or leave them on the floor because what if it hurt their feelings? Needless to say, Toy Story did nothing to help me get over these issues. I have a huge amount of guilt this very minute over the fact that my old Cabbage Patch dolls are currently stuffed in a Von Dutch bag in the top of my closet. Oh! Shouldn't have thought of that...oh no...what if they can't breathe? I try to push it out of my head but alas, knowing me I'd have an old dead tree sitting in my living room for the next 5 years or I'd have to transport it to a faraway location to drop it off. It would feel too much like commiting murder and dumping the body.

Welcome to the zoo...literally

I consider it some kind of accomplishment that I seem to
be managing to post once a week. For me, the ultimate procrastinator, that's an achievement. I survived my first weekend back at work, and at a part-time job surrounded by 19 year olds no less. Funny story...

We were sitting in training talking about ourselves. The two girls I was training with are 18 and 19 and they asked how old I was. I said, "Well I'm old, I'm 27." Immediately they squealed, "OH MY GOSH, YOU DON'T LOOK THAT OLD AT ALL." It took all I had not to roll my eyes and hit them with my cane.

>

Anyway, my first shift certainly brought back memories - having to cash out and hope you're not too short or too over, having to explain to a pissed off woman why we can't take her husbands credit card without her husband being present, etc. Some things were new to me. My first real day was Saturday, the busiest day of the week and I had the unfortunate luck to be assigned the cash register next to the big fluff wagon. That's what I call it anyway. It's a giant machine that swirls around the cotton we use to stuff the animal skins we sell....essentially a Build-a-Bear station but with more than just bears. I managed like a pro on my first one and the rest of the ones that day, but on Sunday I totally forgot to take my foot off the pedal before removing the lion skin I was stuffing and POOF! I had white cotton from head to toe. It was pretty hilarious and I totally had it coming for laughing at my fellow newby for doing the same thing the day before. The kids of course think it's hilarious, and it really was. I forgot how exhausting it is to smile and smile and smile some more while trying to squash the three required things I have to say into a conversation with a parent who is trying to yell at their child, wrangle a stroller, and find their money all at the same time. Two hours in and I had an easy flow. I am a retail pro after all. I was waiting to actually make it through my two 8 hour shifts before tentatively saying this...but...I think I love it. As much as one can love a part-time job in retail. The people I work with are really nice, the guests are mostly great, and it's fabulous being outside in the fresh air near meerkats and otters. It's also nice being part of something. I was reminded of this as I was getting our lunch and she gave me an oversized slice of sandwich because I was staff. Did I mention they feed you for free? Only averaging 10 hours a week or so will keep me loving it too.

Someone walked by us while we were training and said, Welcome to the zoo! I totally laughed because normally when people say that they're totally kidding.

Chickens with Chainsaws

This week (obviously my idea of 'week' doesn't run from weekend to weekend) ended up getting super hectic. I finally went to sign papers for my job on Friday. I start this coming Friday....finally. Hopefully this heat wave will be done by then because I'm more than ready for fall.

Saturday brought Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios. Shannon and I went by ourselves this year and had so much fun! For those who might not know what that is, it's a special night event at the park throughout October where they turn alot of attractions into scary mazes and there are all kinds of live characters running around on the streets trying to scare you. The best maze is usually the walk through the Backlot where they actually have Norman Bates and a bunch of dead folks hanging out at the Bates Motel and Pyscho house. They also had some large people in bloody chicken suits walking around with chainsaws. I have to say that those made me giggle insanely more than they made me shiver in horror. At one point Shan and I stopped for some ice cream and made the mistake of sitting near a 'scare zone' on a low wall. All of a sudden I look up and these two creepy girls in masks with pigtails have positioned themselves way too close and are just staring. This went on for almost 5 minutes and all you can do is laugh nervously and whisper, "Should we go?" "No, I refuse to lose this battle of wills." Needless to say the whole scene was quite amusing for the passersby. Eventually they went away to chase some girl who yelled in their ears but I have to say it creeped me out just a little.

In other news I actually caught the vice-presidential and last nights presidential debates. I am ashamed to say that I haven't heard either candidate speak very much at all but after listening to both I am now completely comfortable voting for Obama. He is direct and competent and hopefully bulletproof. I also really like Biden so go democrats go! I recant earlier statements about needing more experience and so on. The more I think about it the more I feel like a fresh look at things is exactly what we need. Besides, look at the idiot that's been in office for the last 8 years, surely a whole family's worth of experience didn't save him from being a complete moron. The president has hundreds of people in his employ who each have a field of expertise to give advise in and pure common sense can take you far. What we need is someone who can lead people, someone people can get behind and have confidence in, and most importantly, someone who can at least give the illusion that he knows what's going on.

One is the Loneliest Number aka Insomnia - Episode 382

I seem to have some sort of mental block or something that refuses to let me actually fall asleep the night before classes. The other 5 nights a week I can pass out no problem, but come Monday or Wednesday night and I am wide awake wishing for sleep until it's practically time for me to get up and stumble to my car. It's hot tonight and I can't even sleep in my bedroom so I'm out here on the couch with the AC running. One of the dogs has taken over 75% of my pillow but it's so cute I don't mind sharing because it's not like I can actually sleep anyway!

Shannon's been gone for just a few days and is coming back Wednesday but it's been a disturbing glimpse into what life might be like once she leaves here for good. She's flying to DC for an interview next week, so she's leaving me to my own devices again. I suppose I should get used to it but let's just say it hasn't gone that well. Without adult supervision I have a tendency to wonder around the apartment, periodically checking my empty fridge, obsessively checking my email, watching random documentaries on TV, and generally feeling sorry for my poor lonely self. Not that when she's here much of that changes, since I have hit an extremely low point on the self-discipline/motivation chart, but it's the company part that counts. I have never lived alone with the exception of my last year in Florida when I went to school 18 hours a week and worked two jobs totaling 60 hours a week. When I was home it was to fall, exhausted, onto my mattress for the 2 to 4 hours of time I had between things. I do enjoy the no compromises factor of living alone, and when she's gone I'll have the entire closet to myself. But at this juncture that is no substitute for losing my bestest friend to the other side of the country.

Most of me knows that this is good for me...kind of like being well enough to be taken off the painkillers or released from the hospital, I am now well enough to lose my last crutch. She's held me up through all of the insanity of the last year and it is her time to move forward with what life holds for her. She's going to get this stupid job, I just know it, because I don't think it's any random coincidence that Amy and Joey moved out here and Julia is also moving back just at the time when she might go. I know it helps her out to know that her disgustingly pathetic sister won't be left without good friends around to keep her from going nuts. I apologize for the self-indulgent whining but right now I'm so sad and I can't help it. I know there are plenty of people who live alone and it doesn't kill them, but I don't care for it. I've always had a rotating door of roomates, friends, etc. It's no comfort to know that I need for it to be this way when most of my friends return home to boyfriends, girlfriends or roomates. Without someone to kick my butt into gear I have a bad tendancy to find any excuse not to leave my house, but maybe that's what I need. To be totally left to myself to find it in me to push myself into doing all the things I need to do such as exercise, write, and whatever else I push off because I have a distraction. I can only spend so much time reading the same news on Yahoo before I will settle down and get my crap together.

One of my friends told me recently that she thinks that out of everyone that I'm doing it right. That I left relationships that I knew weren't right for me and have been making choices to become the person I need to be to find the person that IS right. She may be correct but that doesn't make the process and the nights I sit by myself unable to sleep, crying (which luckily have become fewer and farther between, the crying ones anyway) any less painful. Blah, stupid crying, stupid headache. I took two blue-green Advil in the medicine cabinet that I hope represents the sleepy kind. Hurray for being up in 4 hours.

P.S. Just to disclaimer in case my sarcasm is missed - I am SO incredibly excited that she might actually have a job in the city she wants (and needs) to move to...but she knows that, so I get to revel in my selfishness unchecked.

Death makes me think too much

I was laughing on the phone with Jillian about nothing very consequential when Shannon interrupts me with the news that her best friend Melanie called to tell her that her Mom passed away suddenly. In a minute life turned very serious. There, on the right, is Shannon and Mels at Shan's graduation in April. Mels is a 3rd year law student, her mom was barely 50 and there were no signs before the massive heart attack occured. They were Shannon's second family while she was in undergrad since she was so far from home. It was sobering, as death always is. My Mom has had her parents around for 60 years. Mels is 24. Death is a necessity as everything has it's opposite, but the manner and timing are all so weird and funky. Needed there ASAP, Shannon found a great ticket on priceline.com yesterday for $330 bucks and flew out to Atlanta this morning.

In other news I still haven't started working yet, which is totally fine with me. I finally got a very non-specific message that orientation will probably be sometime next week. Great. I got all my student loan funding and so I am set until next September. Life is slowly shifting into another 'era.' My friend Julia got laid off this week from her failing company and it was just another kick in the pants, courtesy of life, sending her in the correct direction. Luckily for me that direction is L.A....not that Santa Barbara is far, but it's certainly not convenient for going out to dinner on a whim. Los Feliz is much closer and that's where she's looking to move. I'm trying to reign in the excitement to be a good friend as she's not as 100% excited to be leaving her fabulous apartment and what was her life for the last 4 years. This I understand all too well. But... *whispering loudly* I'M STILL SO EXCITED. Jillian is about to murder someone out of sheer loneliness and I told her that if she didn't live in BOCA that maybe we would drift in that direction. I keep holding out that our presence will pull on her like a magnetic force and she'll eventually move out here too.

Fat little Mii

We finally got a Wii Fit because Tam 'knew a guy.' Luckily it wasn't as shady as it sounded. It is SO much fun but also one of the harshest pieces of electronics out there. You start out with your choice of Mii figure that you've probably already designed to look like you. Once your Mii is chosen you go through a few balance tests and they weigh you and calculate your BMI. As your weight goes up your skinny Mii body balloons up to match your weight. See pink figure above. It's mortifying for us overweight folks.*L I guess its good for motivation though. You can weigh yourself whenever and they give you a little weight loss plan if necessary. There are fun games (see Mii as penguin above) that disguise activity for good fun. It's pretty easy to get an hour a day in and in addition to games there are aerobic, strength training, and yoga exercises. Everyone should get one. I need to get my fat little Mii shrunk down to a normal size.

In other news I did actually get the job at the zoo. One of the gorillas got sick and they needed a replacement...just kidding, although there have been plenty of unmerciful jokes made by my friends. Jerks. I was supposed to hear by Monday if I got the job but apparently there had been some sort of personal emergency and she couldn't call anyone until 4 days later. So, yay, and they do have an elephant so that'll suffice for no penguins. I figure that I can use the extra money towards a summer study abroad program in France. Besides the obvious bonus of being in the south of France it'll be very good for my floundering listening skills in French.

Run little hamster, run

To the left you'll see my friend Bethany in Santa Monica. I was particularly proud of the photo so I'm sharing it.

I have had a headache for days. When I say headache I mean that it feels like I could have a 1lb brain tumor pushing on my skull. It's possible that the hamster in the wheel in my head is trying to make a break for it through my ear...hmmmm...that could be a problem. At any rate, I'm dropping smoking and these diet pill things I've been on. I need to do both of those anyway so keep your fingers crossed. It's hard to jog when you're gasping for breath.

Things have quieted down at my house, sort of. I've been keeping busy with visiting friends and I've started working for my two friends Kerstin and Tami to construct their website. They've got a fabulous business selling unique baby gifts and once I'm done with the website I'll post the link here so you can go look. I'm trying not to be totally annoyed that I did not get the job with the zoo. I'm not entirely sure why I didn't get a call but it didn't bode well when she said, "I wanted to give a wide range of people a chance but after looking at your resume, well, I just couldn't help but wonder why you'd want to work here?" I thought I made it very clear that I needed something very part-time, something VERY simple. It reminded me of that scene from American Beauty:

Mr. Smiley's Manager: I don't think you'd fit in here.
Lester: I have fast food experience.
Mr. Smiley's Manager: Yeah, like twenty years ago!
Lester: Well, I'm sure there have been amazing technological advances in the industry, but surely you must have some sort of training program. It seems unfair to presume I won't be able to learn.

She also made comments about how I've always moved up to management and I certainly hope she wasn't in fear for her job. I couldn't even begin to guess. Julia was mistaken and they don't have penguins there anyway, so whatever. It must be God's way of telling me to get my butt in gear and write my book, that I have actually started, by the way. Maybe by telling everyone I'll be pressured into finishing it. Speaking of which, I got a compliment on my writing from an unexpected source today. And considering that this person does not hand out compliments like candy, especially to a former foe, I took it very seriously.

My hometown, Bitches!

It's been bizarre to watch this whole circus with Sarah Palin and I'm a little sad not to be in AK to watch the fray. Sarah is from my hometown, went to Wasilla High that I attended my freshman year, went to the church that I grew up in, her aunt was my mom's boss for years...it's all just weird. It's not normal to know the person who is running for such an important office...2nd in command of the free world. That's big. We all know the same people, ran in the same circles, because the community in the Mat-su Valley is small and it's weird to think that people actually know where it is on the map now.
Frankly, all of this Alaska talk makes me very very homesick and I know I'm going to get crap for this but I have to say I really like her. And when McCain kicks the bucket I'm not even that nervous about her being president simply because the woman has a brain and hasn't been tainted by being the Old-White-Boys-Club. For that reason I'm pretty okay with Obama too. Either way, it will be an interesting race and I'm okay saying she's my hometown girl and I'm kind of rooting for her. But then again I'm rooting for anyone that will actually be able to string together words that form complete sentences. I'm tired of being embarassed by the person who represents us on the world stage.

With this ring, I thee shed...

So a few times a month I get a boy or two who contacts me on Myspace with usually a nice compliment to which I say thank you and leave it at that. Occasionally they'll continue the conversation and this time I got a nice note from a decent looking guy named Daron. It was a compliment about my eyes, to which I said thanks. I checked out his profile and noted how he went on about really wanting someone who was classy and the quote by his picture said, "They say chivalry is dead...or is it?" His next message to me? "So, how big are those tits?" Well, let me see, they're definitely bigger than your brain and smaller than the balls it took to ask the question. I also think you answered the chivalry question all on your own buster. I mean GEEZ. I don't keep my profile private because I do hold out the hope that someone normal might see my profile and think, "Hmm, this girl is pretty cool..." but I think it's an impossible dream.

Also this week Shannon shared the story of a professor of hers who was dragged to a divorce ceremony where you do actual vows that go something like, "With this ring, I thee shed..." I laughed...and then laughed some more.

Shamefully enough this is being written in my FLIT class during an exhilarating video on the 12th century. I can do two things at once so we're golden. I'm happy to report I got a job interview for Saturday. It's for the international marketplace at the Los Angeles Zoo. Retail...simple, normal, low-key, and hopefully on my breaks I'll allowed to go walk around and look at the animals. I hear they have penguins and that excites me. I already went on one interview for a receptionist position at a day spa-type place. Because nothing in LA is ever just normal, they mentioned that the pilot for a reality show was in the works. I'm a little relieved that I haven't gotten a second interview. I'm a huge reality fan but whats the point of being on a show where you don't win anything?

This weekend was super busy. My friends Amy and Joey ended their long trek from Florida saturday night at my front door and are now officially moved here. This also excites me. It's so nice to have part of my 'family' here and they live about one mile from me. Their new place is nice and they got a great deal. Their neighbor is totally cute and has an adorable little boy so needless to say I will be visiting often...obviously not for that reason alone...they are very calm and have good energy.
Also my friend Bethany came in from Chicago on short notice for a short visit. We are all old friends from Florida so it was like a little reunion which has been very good for the soul. We tried some totally LA things like breakfast at The Griddle, which, I have to say, is HIGHLY recommended. The wait was like 45 minutes but so worth it. The food is delicious with menu items ranging from raspberry lemon pancakes to pumpkin pancakes to an egg white scramble. We all shared the nutella french toast and got our own egg dishes that were so big we're fairly certain they scrambled up a dozen eggs or so per plate. Also, every single guy waiter was stunning. Baby Brad Pitt was my favorite but they were all spectacularly beautiful...this is LA I guess, but still. The group visit culminated in Amy, Joey, Shannon, Bethany, Julia and I all having an outstanding meal at There's No Place Like Home in Los Feliz. Also, highly recommended as the outdoor seating is expansive and cozy and the menu is superb. There was alot of laughter and alot of old story-telling.

Now it's back to school this week and I'm already exhausted, and Bethany is leaving me tomorrow. Damn her.

Panic, it's the new calm

Welcome to my new blog. Since not even I know what I'm doing on a daily basis anymore I thought we could all keep it together if I write things down in one place. It's also fun to read about someone who is crazy enough to go back to school and try to graduate 8 full years after she should have graduated in the first place.
You'll be relieved to know that I survived my first full week at school. There have been ups, there have been downs, actually there have been full fledged mental breakdowns involving screaming, crying, and cursing of the LAPD...but I survived. I have to say that I really like my school. I do NOT like the $324 I had to pay for a parking permit, but at least they have ample parking and you don't have to get there an hour before class and car-stalk people so that you can find a space like I had to at my last school. So far I've been able to blend in and pass for well under 25 so score one for me and one for my expensive eye cream that keeps me looking young and fresh.
I am taking Logic, European Lit, Geography and lab (barf), French, and Humanities. Oh and for those who don't know, I'm majoring in Languages and Cultures with a French Emphasis. That just means I get to pick from a larger selection of lit and hum courses than if I were a strict french major and that's how I like it. So for the fun stuff, some interesting anecdotes from my first week...
First off my Hum professor is crazy and/or on drugs. He spent 45 minutes of our first class playing with a teeny, color-coded child's piano and muttering about pot, beer bongs, and the girls he dated in 1962. He also spoke of random fantasies involving Michelle Obama and Cindy McCain....*shudder* His mad ramblings had the whole class giggling and wide-eyed in horror. We are all now fast friends.
I did happen to miss the 2nd session of my 8am class because LAPD couldn't direct their way out of a paper bag. Traffic's been a little sketchy being that everyone is actually attending the first weeks of class but I allotted for that and left over an hour early to make a drive that normally takes 25 minutes door to door. This was not enough as I was forced to sit in my car for 35 minutes just looking at the parking garage that was 50 feet away. Bastards! The 8am professor's kind of a dick and locks the door at 8:05 so I was stuck outside at 8:10 when I finally made it inside the building. Oh well, more time to read for FLIT 295a.
My first week ended with a near brain aneurism as I muddled my way through 2 hours and 45 minutes of a science lab. I now know all about latitude and longitude and have calculated the airmiles in between Memphis, TN, and Tokyo. My career as a pirate is off to a great start now that I've got the whole navigation thing in the bag. Take THAT Jack Sparrow, screw you AND your magic compass.

Mostly I'm very glad to be back in school. If I get all the classes I need I've only got 1 and a half years to go (i'm ignoring that this one just started.) I've met some really nice people and am doing my best to re-enter the land of the living. I do have to say, though, that if there were some way to make money sitting on my couch watching Stargate episodes I'd take it. Since there isn't, I guess this education thing will do. I'm panicked and stressed because I have no more income coming to me, period, and my loans are MIA. With Shannon always a half step and a strong breeze away from 'the bad place' it doesn't do for me to be up in the tower with her. I keep holding onto my faith that everything will turn out, but that thin veil of sanity is slowing slipping away as my rent is due and my savings account is now completely depleted after I pay it. I just remembered about my 401k tonight but has it really come to this??? Talk about last resorts and bottom of the barrel...